Happy

I think…

I think I’m happy.

It’s a weird feeling. It’s something I hadn’t felt in 2 years. Sure, things had made me happy. A high grade on a test or a good role in a performance temporarily put a smile on my face. But it was never true happiness that came from within. I used to be a very happy person, with a bright outlook on life. I’m noticing day by day that the old happy me is creeping back.

In general, my life has been going really well. I’m doing well with my school work. I love the roles in Coppelia that I’ve been cast for this year. I’m happy with my blogging. I know I’m probably not the best blogger in town; I don’t post every night, often don’t show pictures, and lately haven’t been talking about many ED themes.  But I am growing as a writer.  Most nights I sit down at my computer with a very specific theme in mind, but as I start to type, my mind wanders and I  just  let my thoughts and fingers run wild. I end up with a totally different post than what I had in mind when I started. It’s theraputic in a way, getting it all out, especially when sometimes I don’t even realize it’s in.

And of course, I loving knowing all of you beautiful people. I’m so honored that you support me and the things that I do. Every single one of you is so special, and you mean so much to me. 🙂  

ED has been silent (not just quiet, silent) when I eat my meals. I still count and measure, but I’m getting so damn tired of it, and I have a feeling I’ll stop really soon. But I eat what I’m craving, not what I “have to,” and for the most part, I eat when I’m hungry, not when it’s “time to.” I don’t restrict fats (read: 5-7 tbs nut butter a day. Yum!) or any other food/food group. The only time ED speaks up is when I’m in a leotard, and I am getting really good at blocking it out. I am 3 pounds away from my goal weight, and I feel physically better in everything that I do.

This is the criteria to be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. I am proud to say that 3 out of 4 are no longer applicable to me:

Diagnostic Criteria for Anorexia Nervosa:

• Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height: Weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight <85% of that expected or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth, leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected.
• Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though under weight.
• Disturbance in the way one’s body weight or shape are experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
• Amenorrhea (at least three consecutive cycles) in postmenarchal girls and women. Amenorrhea is defined as periods occurring only following hormone (e.g., estrogen) administration

 http://www.clevelandclinicmeded.com/medicalpubs/diseasemanagement/psychiatry-psychology/eating-disorders/

Refusal to maintain healthy body weight? Not at all. I am so close to Bryana’s healthy, and several pounds above chart healthy. Intense fear of becoming fat even though underweight? Nope. I’m not underweight, and I’m not scared of gaining weight either. I love my size right now and wouldn’t even mind getting a bit bigger.

I also have no disturbances in the way I view my body. I see that I am no longer skinny. I am not even “very thin.” I am not fat either. Or anywhere near overweight. I am slim and slender, but I always was. I don’t have much negative criticism for my body anymore.

Unfortunately, the period is a no show. It is not unusual for ballerinas and other athletes to lose their period. So I’m not too worried. I know this problem will be fixed 3 pounds from now. I’m sure of that.

So is it safe to say I am no longer “anorexic?” Yes, yes I think so. By no means am I saying that I don’t have food issues. Believe me, I do. But not anorexia.

Maybe EDNOS? If I really push it, I could say I don’t have an eating disorder, but disordered eating. 

All I know is my typical “anorexic” behaviors and symptoms are no more. I don’t know where they went and I don’t care. I am truly honoring my body and embracing food. And I am happy.

A few yummy foods I’ve been embracing:

Another rice bowl. I used canned tuna and peas instead of chicken and sweet potato. It was really delicious. There’s a Hungarian dish called rizi-bizi my mom used to make for me, which is pretty much just rice + peas. This brought back happy memories! 🙂

 

Banana’s + nut butter. I’ve had 2 per day for the past 3 days. I used to be a nanner-nutter fiend, but for some reason, about 2 months ago I stopped eating them. Carrie darling, thank you so much for reminding me how delicious this is!

 

Qs~

What has made you happy recently?

Bananas + nut butter. Yes or no?