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March 17, 2011

I think…

I think I’m happy.

It’s a weird feeling. It’s something I hadn’t felt in 2 years. Sure, things had made me happy. A high grade on a test or a good role in a performance temporarily put a smile on my face. But it was never true happiness that came from within. I used to be a very happy person, with a bright outlook on life. I’m noticing day by day that the old happy me is creeping back.

In general, my life has been going really well. I’m doing well with my school work. I love the roles in Coppelia that I’ve been cast for this year. I’m happy with my blogging. I know I’m probably not the best blogger in town; I don’t post every night, often don’t show pictures, and lately haven’t been talking about many ED themes.  But I am growing as a writer.  Most nights I sit down at my computer with a very specific theme in mind, but as I start to type, my mind wanders and I  just  let my thoughts and fingers run wild. I end up with a totally different post than what I had in mind when I started. It’s theraputic in a way, getting it all out, especially when sometimes I don’t even realize it’s in.

And of course, I loving knowing all of you beautiful people. I’m so honored that you support me and the things that I do. Every single one of you is so special, and you mean so much to me. 🙂  

ED has been silent (not just quiet, silent) when I eat my meals. I still count and measure, but I’m getting so damn tired of it, and I have a feeling I’ll stop really soon. But I eat what I’m craving, not what I “have to,” and for the most part, I eat when I’m hungry, not when it’s “time to.” I don’t restrict fats (read: 5-7 tbs nut butter a day. Yum!) or any other food/food group. The only time ED speaks up is when I’m in a leotard, and I am getting really good at blocking it out. I am 3 pounds away from my goal weight, and I feel physically better in everything that I do.

This is the criteria to be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. I am proud to say that 3 out of 4 are no longer applicable to me:

Diagnostic Criteria for Anorexia Nervosa:

  • Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height: Weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight <85% of that expected or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth, leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected.
  • Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though under weight.
  • Disturbance in the way one’s body weight or shape are experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
  • Amenorrhea (at least three consecutive cycles) in postmenarchal girls and women. Amenorrhea is defined as periods occurring only following hormone (e.g., estrogen) administration

Refusal to maintain healthy body weight? Not at all. I am so close to Bryana’s healthy, and several pounds above chart healthy. Intense fear of becoming fat even though underweight? Nope. I’m not underweight, and I’m not scared of gaining weight either. I love my size right now and wouldn’t even mind getting a bit bigger.

I also have no disturbances in the way I view my body. I see that I am no longer skinny. I am not even “very thin.” I am not fat either. Or anywhere near overweight. I am slim and slender, but I always was. I don’t have much negative criticism for my body anymore.

Unfortunately, the period is a no show. It is not unusual for ballerinas and other athletes to lose their period. So I’m not too worried. I know this problem will be fixed 3 pounds from now. I’m sure of that.

So is it safe to say I am no longer “anorexic?” Yes, yes I think so. By no means am I saying that I don’t have food issues. Believe me, I do. But not anorexia.

Maybe EDNOS? If I really push it, I could say I don’t have an eating disorder, but disordered eating

All I know is my typical “anorexic” behaviors and symptoms are no more. I don’t know where they went and I don’t care. I am truly honoring my body and embracing food. And I am happy.

A few yummy foods I’ve been embracing:

Another rice bowl. I used canned tuna and peas instead of chicken and sweet potato. It was really delicious. There’s a Hungarian dish called rizi-bizi my mom used to make for me, which is pretty much just rice + peas. This brought back happy memories! 🙂


Banana’s + nut butter. I’ve had 2 per day for the past 3 days. I used to be a nanner-nutter fiend, but for some reason, about 2 months ago I stopped eating them. Carrie darling, thank you so much for reminding me how delicious this is!



What has made you happy recently?

Bananas + nut butter. Yes or no?

14 Comments leave one →
  1. March 17, 2011 10:48 pm

    I. Love. This. Seriously you are such an inspiration to me! You have grown so so much since I first started reading your blog and I really enjoy all your insights.

    It’s so amazing that you aren’t even really considered “anorexic” any more–thats really huge and I’m sure you’re really proud of yourself! I’m so glad you’re also truly happy now and it’s probably somewhat related to you letting go of your ED. I find that when my ED voice is quieter, I am so much happier. Someday I want to be at the point where my ED voice is nonexistent and I can just live my life. It sounds like you’re able to do this which is so great!

    Oh and I love bananas and almond butter…so yum 😀

  2. March 18, 2011 3:29 am

    I loved this post, Bryana! Recovery is one of the most hardest but rewarding things you’ll ever experience. You learn to be okay with your body and not just be okay with it, but grow to love it! The period is still a no show for me as well but it takes a while for your body’s hormones to settle and realise that you are no longer in a famine. Just give it time 🙂


    • March 21, 2011 10:22 am

      Thanks Katy. The desire to get my period back is a HUGE motivation to keep eating. But it’ll come when it’s ready and I just have to wait.

  3. March 18, 2011 4:50 am

    im so happy for you!!! Especially because you’ve been eating nanners + nut butter WHICH ARE AMAZING!! I eat at least one a day.. it is a necessity! 😀

  4. March 18, 2011 12:17 pm

    I’m really excited for you! It’s wonderful that you’re are happy and basically recovered from anorexia. Honestly, I love whatever you write about – whether it’s ED related of not. You’re ED doesn’t define you, so you should write about whatever you want! =)

    I really like rice bowls too. Usually I make them Asian-inspired due to my Japanese heritage, but I love experiencing new flavors, too! Maybe I’ll have to find a Hungarian recipe. =)

    • March 21, 2011 10:24 am

      Thank you! I always get anxious that you guys don’t like non-ED posts, but I’m happy & relieved to know you do!

  5. March 18, 2011 2:01 pm

    Banana’s and nut butter = amazing! I’ve only just discovered the combination and I am loooooving it 🙂

    And I’m so happy to hear you’re feeling happy. There’s nothing quite like letting go of ED and enjoying life, is there?

  6. March 19, 2011 3:59 pm

    You are so amazing!

    ED silent = VICTORY! I am so so so SO happy for you Bryana 🙂 Really, truly, I am so proud of how much work you have put into this, and your relationship with food is so much the better for it 🙂

    Oh, and nut butters with bananas? HECK YA! Love it 🙂

    • March 21, 2011 10:25 am

      Thank you so much Scott. It means a lot to me to have your support. And nanner+nutters=love!

  7. Sarah permalink
    March 19, 2011 6:05 pm

    This post made me happy!! : )
    Congratulations girly, all of your hard work is paying off. You deserve nothing but happiness and it is so good to hear things like body acceptance are coming along with this. You’re amazing : )


  8. March 20, 2011 1:18 pm

    I’m SO happy you’re happy!
    Looking at that list made me realize that I still exhibit some of the traits of anorexia :/
    But I am well on my way to recovery, just like you!
    Also bananas+nut butter= a fear food of mine.
    For some reason bananas in general are scary for me.. Ever since I found out they were one of the higher-cal fruits, I’ve stayed away. I also don’t like that I feel like I’m eating more when I eat an apple or something compared to bananas.

    Keep posting girlyy! 🙂

    • March 21, 2011 10:26 am

      When you feel strong enough to tackle bananas, you MUST try them with PB. It is the best thing EVER! I promise!

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