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So Close I Can Taste It!

March 19, 2011

Good evening peanut butter cups!

Boy, what a day I’ve had. I woke up at 8:30 for brekkie and to get ready for ballet. I left at 10 to get there by 11, and ended at 6. I got home at 6:45, ate dinner, then caught up on your beautiful blogs and comments. Now I’m here, typing away. I am utterly exhausted, but it’s in a good way, like I’ve accomplished a lot today. And I have.

We finished learning both of the group dances I’m in for Coppelia, and they’re a lot of fun. I’m still lovin’ my pointe shoes, and got 3 compliments on them today. Yay! I love compliments.

I haven’t mentioned this on le bloggie before, but there is another girl at my ballet who is anorexic. But she is much, much worse than I ever was. For this purpose, we’ll call her K. She’s about 1 inch taller than me but about 10 pounds less than me at my lowest. I am so scared she’ll drop dead in the middle of class from cardiac arrest or something. I will elaborate some more about this in a later post. My friend and I spoke to a teacher of ours today about our concern. She has a degree in psychology, so I thought she might understand about it, but she didn’t seem to say as much as I’d hoped. She did however say that K’s weight had not gone unnoticed by the teachers. They had spoken to her about it, my teacher said, but she didn’t see that any improvements have been made to K’s health status.

Again, I’ll do a more detailed post on K and my thoughts, but for now I’m just bringing it up to emphasize how damn lucky I am. I weighed myself yesterday – which isn’t saying much with the inaccurate scale I have.  But, even with possible inaccuracies, it read that I was 109 pounds.

Not 107 like I thought in my last post. 109!!!! That’s 1 freaking pound away from 110. And 110=goal weight! I am one pound away!

Honestly, it’s surreal. Seeing K in class makes me appreciate how hard I’ve work and how much I’ve accomplished. Seeing her struggle so much disturbs me more than I can describe, and it’s all the incentive I need to never, ever lose weight again. 109.  I can imagine going pee one day really soon, looking down, and seeing blood. I can imagine breasts and hips growing back properly. I can feel the calcium depositing in my bones and I can feel the threat of osteopenia fading away. I can feel all the health and continued happiness that comes with 110 pounds. I am so close, I can taste it. 

And check out what I tasted for dinner:

We had lobster for dinner yesterday. My dad left for Chicago this morning (he’s gone to visit his sister – my aunt – who is dying and will probably pass away in a few days) and this was sort of a “goodbye dinner.” I had leftovers today: 2 tails, 4 claws. Yum, yum, yum. I love lobster. I also had some mixed veggies that I tossed in cumin, salt, cayenne pepper and lime juice. Such a great flavor combination. This meal was high in protein and fiber, though very lacking in fat. But not to worry, I’ll make up for it. I’m thinking a nanner+nutter and a few Hershey’s special dark kisses. Mmmm!


Do you speak up when you see something is wrong?

Do you like lobster? Seafood in general?

I have always prefered fish/shellfish over any other meat. I do eat chicken and occasionally pork, but I can’t stand beef or lamb. Fish is by far my favorite.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. March 19, 2011 9:52 pm

    this isn’t a comment on this post — but i was just reading through your previous posts, and DANG GIRL! we have SO MUCH in common! it’s kind of ridiculous! i also hoard nut butter, my favorite peanut butter is Smucker’s Natural, we love whole foods to infinity and beyond, idk — i can’t think of many specifics at the moment but just everything you wrote i just thought, “omg ME TO!”

    just saying.

    ps, i love you!


    • March 21, 2011 11:26 am

      Alex, before I started this blog, I read yours and thought you were my twin or something. When I read your posts, after every sentence I say, “Wow, she is so like me!” So thank you, and I totally agree!

  2. Inês permalink
    March 19, 2011 10:06 pm

    reading you makes me feel so proud for everything I’ve done to myself. I acctualy reached today the bmi of 20. I felt the strangest thing..i was happy and then got sad for “being happy” because I realized how unhappy I was before getting here. My life has changed so much..I feel so happy right now, I feel like I can achieve everything I want to right now.. I love reading you. I LOVE, LOVE LOVE reading that you’re ok, that you’re deserve it so much. I look at your photos from now and compare it to the old ones in which you looked so sick and I get so are such a wonderful person, you’re going to ACHIEVE everything you want in your life. CONGRATULATIONS Bryanna. You’re an inspiration.

  3. March 19, 2011 11:01 pm

    Bryana I cannot thank you enough for how much you have inspired and pushed me, both through your wonderful posts and your encouraging comments. I love that you not only accept your weight gain but also really appreciate it. You are beautiful and healthy and more than ready to get rid of ED forever, it sounds like. Keep it up, you are amazing 🙂

    Oh and btw, I am the exact same with seafood, it is by far my favorite meat, especially shrimp, scallops and real crab!

  4. March 20, 2011 6:23 am

    Oh wow, I am so proud of you for pretty much being at your goal weight!! You sound like you are in such a good place mentally as well (although we still have our inner battles to fight), it’s just great!

    I’ve never ever had lobster before. It’s not such a big thing in New Zealand. Here it’s all about lamb and bacon. I’m only really a fan of simple fish. The most exotic fish I’ll eat is salmon and that’s ONLY if it’s been smoked. Other than that I won’t touch it. Not even with a stick 😛


  5. March 20, 2011 9:47 am

    AHH! This makes me so happy and proud of you! Like the others have said, you really are an inspiration. You have such a wonderful, positive attitude and you work HARD, girl! 🙂

    I’ve only had lobster once and I really don’t remember what it tasted like. I love other fish though – salmon, mahi-mahi, tuna, cod, shrimp. But no shellfish – too slimy for me, hehe.

    Anyway, have an absolutely amazing week!

  6. March 20, 2011 1:07 pm

    Yay Bryana!
    I’m so proud of you and all of the progress you have made!
    I’m also sorry to hear about your friend. I know it’s hard to see others struggling. I’m also dealing with that with my roommate.
    But you are WELL on your way to full recovery! You’re doing so awesome, and you should definitely take pride in that fact.

    I also JUST reached my goal weight, so I know what you mean about it being surreal! ha
    And my favorite meat is fish/seafood, too! I like chicken, but I tend to stay away from pork and beef. Chicken is good, too.
    Keep it up love 🙂

  7. March 20, 2011 2:08 pm

    You should be SO PROUD of yourself and how far you’ve come in recovery. Really you such an inspiration to me, I mean it.

    And I LOVE seafood. I’m not a red meat fan at all, chicken is ok from time to time. But seafood – always, anytime :P. Ok, so I don’t eat it very often, but I would if I could.

  8. March 22, 2011 6:16 pm

    YAYAYAYAYA!! I am so so proud of you Bryana 🙂

    I know a couple of people who I think are struggling with ED’s, but I don’t have the courage to say anything a lot of times :/ You are such a wonderful person 🙂

    And seafood? YES! I love it!

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