Skip to content

Everything’s Been Perfect

October 25, 2011

Hey Guys! Sorry for my irregular blogging and super-boring topics. Life is still as crazy as always, but I will try to make the time to post a bit more frequently.

In terms of a past ED, things have been alright. I think I’ve gained a bunch of weight, and I now have a layer of fat on my stomach that’s actually grab-able (is that a word? :-)), but I try not to think on it too much. Yes, it does bother me to no end, but I distract myself with my amazing friends, my interesting school work, and my wonderful ballet. Because I don’t allow myself to think about it constantly, I can’t obsess. And get this: last Friday, I ate pizza! 2.5 slices of real, fatty, cheesy pizza. It was the first time in over 2 years, and it felt amazing.

Everything else is wonderful. I LOVE my life. That is no exaggeration – I am the happiest I’ve ever been. I adore school, and I seriously don’t mind waking up at 5:30 every morning to go. My classes are so fascinating!

And I’m not gonna lie, I love when random guys wave at me in the hallways or say “Hey, beautiful!” as I pass them. What can I say? It’s semi-flattering and completely hilarious.

I’ve made so many new friends, and they, along with some of my old friends, are incredible. Aj and I have been talking a little more frequently and I still plan on visiting him for spring break. And guess what else? My friend Jv asked me out, and I definitely said yes. I like him so  much – that child makes me so happy. He was actually the one I ate the pizza with. 🙂

Applebee’s with my friends C and D!

D and I dressed up for mis-match day at school for Spirit Week.

 

 

After ballet class with my friend E. 🙂

 

Me with my sister-friends K and Sh, just foolin’ around!

 

I got Aj that frog key chain when I went to Puerto Rico back in April. Last week, I asked if he still had it, and turns out he actually uses it for his keys. It made me ecstatic. He connected it to the other key chain, the one with “Aj” engraved on it, which was from D for his birthday. So he’s got both of ours in his pocket at all times! I was so happy, it make me cry!

 

I was really upset in school one day, and after a Bio lab, I went back to my desk to find this note stuck in my binder. I’d been crying all day, and it was the first thing to put a smile on my face. No one owned up to it at first, but in the end, I did find out who wrote it.

 

This was me and my boyfriend Jv today, in the school library. This kid never, ever fails to brighten my day and make me smile!!!

 

So that’s it for now; I’m off to bed, seeing as I have to wake up at 5:30 again. I hope all of you are doing amazingly well, kicking ED’s ass, and living your lives.

What’s (or who’s) got you smiling?

Advertisements

It Hurts

October 9, 2011

Hey guys. I know I haven’t blogged in a long time. My life has just been crazy with school and ballet and homework.

I’m only a bit over a month in, but I can definitely say that I love my school; going back was the best decision I’ve made in a while. I wake up every single day wanting to go. As for ballet, I’ve been having so much fun. I can actually feel myself improving after each class, and I just love every minute of being there.

All is well in terms of those things, which is good. Unfortunately, I’ve been  struggling so much with something. Lately, I’ve been having a really hard time dealing with thoughts and feeling about missing Aj. I talk to him almost daily on facebook, and I try to video call with him at least once a week. But for whatever reason, this week has been especially hard in terms of dealing with the sadness and feelings of missing him.

I see pictures he’s put on facebook of him out and about in London, and I’m so happy for him. But I feel this sicking sadness that he’s in a city across an ocean, not right here in my town, 5 minutes away. I look at the pictures and burst into tears. It doesn’t take much in a FB chat conversation with him for me to begin to cry. And when we video call? Within 5 minutes I start sobbing. The last time I cried this hard over him was the day he left. Then I toned it down and only cried occasionally, because I realized I couldn’t do anything to bring him back.

Starting about a week ago though, any picture of him, any conversation with him, sometimes even just the mention of him by other people breaks me down. Maybe it’s a bad thing that I put so much love and trust into one person, a person so far away. Maybe it’s a bad thing that I spend so much time thinking about him, and relating certain real-life situations to him. “Hey, if Aj were here, he would have picked this one; Oh, Aj hates when people do that; Aw, that flavor is his favorite!”

Yeah, it probably is a bad thing, but I can’t stop.

You know what it is? I saw him on a Thursday, and he was leaving the next Tuesday. We had plans to hang out Sunday too, so when he left Thursday, I just gave him a small hug and said, “See you Sunday.”

Then Sunday, Hurricane Irene hit, so obviously, our plans were cancelled. Then Tuesday, before he left for the airport, he invited a ton of people over to say bye, and I wasn’t among them – I was at fucking ballet rehearsal instead of saying goodbye to my best friend! What the hell was I thinking? Clearly, I wasn’t thinking at all.

The last time I saw him was one random fucking Thursday when I didn’t even say a proper goodbye. I kick myself in the ass, hard, every time I think of that day.

That’s why it hurts so badly now, I think. I never got closure, I never got a goodbye. So now he’s there, and I’m here, and there’s not a thing I can do about it but sit here and cry.

Sorry for the shitty ending to a shitty post, but I’m tired, and I have an AP Bio test to study for.

I hope you all are well.

Updated

September 13, 2011

¡Hola mis amigos! Hice algunas actualizaciones a la página “Sobre.” También, cambié la segunda parte y añadí la tercera parte a mi página de “Mi Cuento.” ¿Si? ¡Bien!

 

Hey guys! I just love Spanish. I’m getting much better at speaking it, and I can understand so much when others talk. I already speak English and Hungarian fluently, and would love to master Spanish (then move on to French, German, and Italian). Languages are amazing.

Anyway, if you don’t know what I just said, here’s the gist: I updated my About page. I also made a few changes to My Story, Part 2, and added a Part 3 (though part three is somewhat similar to my last post, so if it seems familiar or repetitive, I apologize.

Also, please let me know if there are problems with any of the links. I will fix them as soon as possible.

Well, that’s all really for tonight, since I spent most of my afternoon updating these pages.

Later, gators! 🙂

 

The Happily Ever After

September 13, 2011

It’s been five months since I’ve been weight restored, and in all seriousness, my life has never been better.

 

As far as ED’s go, my anorexia (or any aspect of it) is no more. I do not measure my food or count calories. I eat what I want, when I want, without a thought or worry about it; my relationship with food has become natural and normal once again. I don’t deny myself the food I want, but I don’t force myself to eat something because “I should,” nor do I force myself to finish my meal. I’ve somehow learned to find the perfect balance for me. I eat a lot, but not too much. I move a lot, but not too much. I eat when I’m hungry and don’t eat if I’m not, even if the times are a little odd. These days, food in my life is something I thoroughly enjoy whilst I’m eating, then I finish and move on to something else; I don’t obsess.

 

If you ask me, that’s the way it should be, because when you’re not busy obsessing about weight or calories, you have plenty of extra time to just live your life – because my life is no longer about my past ED. My life is about so much more.

 

I now have the energy and desire to be 16 and to live it up. I’ve had sleepovers, eaten in restaurants, been on dates, gone shopping, hung out for hours at a time with friends, gone on vacation, and gone back to school – all things I never would have (or even could have) done while sick.

 

For the first time in two years, I am happy. It’s a deep, honest happiness that emanates from my very core, one that I wake up and go to sleep with every single day.

 

Sure, sometimes school stresses me out, dance tires me, and friends annoy me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. When I think about it, my life won’t ever be completely “perfect,”  but what it is now is perfect enough for me.

 

I’ll only be a teenager once, and I plan on making it the it the best time of my life.  And so far, I have been.

 

Click here for:

Why Life is Better Without Anorexia

September 10, 2011

Hello there. Wow, it’s been a loooong time since I last blogged, and man, there’s been a lot going on.

First of all, I must say, thank you, thank you, thank you for your support, encouragement, input, and acceptance on my post about atheism. Really, I was nervous about publishing it, but your comments just made my worries disappear.

So, what I have been up to?

Well, since my last post (way back on August 26th), so much has happened. Aj moved, first of all. Are you guys annoyed that that’s the first thing I bring up? Sorry.

But I have talked to him a ton over Facebook chat and I even bought a webcam, so now I can “see” him too. My mom said I could go visit him during spring break, and his parents also said it’s okay. So come April, I’ll hopefully be able to go to London for a week.

This was the very last time I saw him. He came over to my house to hang out, and we were just up in my bedroom, talking. Apparently he hates pictures, because when he saw I had the camera in my hand, he grabbed my Total Pillow so I couldn’t get his face. It’s ok, I have 3 others with his face in full view. 🙂

 

I guess I never really talked about Hungary much either, huh? It was amazing. Being in Europe with my best friend was an experience I’ll never forget. We became closer in those two weeks then we have in 15 years, and our friendship grew stronger than we ever thought it could. We walked around in downtown Budapest, got facials, visited tons of family, and may or may not have gone clubbing with my cousins and gotten a wee bit completely drunk. During this vacation, and for the first time since the start of my eating disorder, I acted like a normal teenager without a care in the world.

Speaking of the devil, I think this trip helped me so much to seal my ED up and put it away. I was forced to eat whenever others were eating (not on a schedule), where they wanted to, and what they wanted to (bye-bye safe foods.) And hey, I lived. I ate fried food, salami, pasties, ice cream, fries, and full-fat cheese. I did feel guilty some of the time, but not guilty enough to worry too much about it. Eating those foods and finding that I didn’t gain weight made me realize all over again that “junk” food does have a place in my diet. A very happy place indeed.

Lángos, which is deep-fried potato dough. Ours was topped with garlic-infused oil, sour cream, and cheese, the most traditional group of toppings.

 

First day – and first ice cream: vanilla ice cream with peanuts and chocolate swirl.

 

The best ice cream of the trip! They’re both the same color, so it’s hard to tell, but there’s one scoop of hazelnut, and one scoop of cinnamon.

 

The plum I’m eating is one I’d just picked freshly off a tree just minutes before. And no, my belly is not flat. It does have some jiggle, but that is normal; that is ok.

 

I drank in public 3 times, and not once did someone card me. That’s Europe for you. But I’m not complaining, because my mom let me have a delicious glass of Tokaji wine. I prefer white wines, and the sweeter, the better. Tokaji, a Hungarian dessert wine, is about as sweet and delicious as they come.

 

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been eating what I want, when I want, without a thought or worry about it. My relationship with food has become natural and normal once again. I don’t deny myself the food I want (hello last night’s cannolis), but I don’t force myself to finish my meal either. I’ve somehow learned to find the perfect balance for me. I eat a lot, but not too much. I move a lot, but not too much. I eat when I’m hungry and don’t eat if I’m not, even if the times are a little odd. These days, food in my life is something I thoroughly enjoy whilst I’m eating, then I finish and move on to something else; I don’t obsess. And if you ask me, that’s the way it should be, because when you’re not busy obsessing about calories or meal schedules, you have time to:

Get your sweat on,

 

Appreciate the true beauty and real purpose of food,

Get a second piercing,

Hang out with a dear friend for the last time,

Or just stop and smell the flowers.

There is so much to experience in the world, and anorexia steals it. She stole it from me for two years, and that’s time I’ll never get back. I can, however, move on and make sure that I waste no more time trapped in a personal hell. I have the choice and the power to make my life as happy as I want it to be, and I’m doing just that. I am happy – so, so very happy. My life, as far I’m concerned, is as close to perfect as it’ll ever be, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Have a great Sunday everyone!

I’m Back!

August 26, 2011

Hey guys. I got back from Hungary over a week ago now.

Up until today, I’ve had no desire to blog. Actually….I don’t have much of a desire to blog right now, but I really need to write some things out.

I’ve been having a rough few days. Well, weeks, actually. Since summer intensive, my relationship with food has been really screwy. I’ve been restricting and despite that, I’m still gaining weight. Maybe it’s water weight, or maybe I’ve destroyed my metabolism. I’m thinking my period should come soon, so maybe it’s that. Either way, my weight’s up, my mood’s down, and I feel very helpless.

Ballet starts on Monday (unless Irene gets in the way…) and I know that will make me feel better. And the week after that, school starts, and that’ll be amazing!!!!

But for right now, I sit at home all day doing schoolwork, trying to ignore my hunger, and going crazy in my own head.

It’s also not helping that Aj’s leaving on Tuesday, which is making me really depressed.

I guess with time this will all get better, but in the moment, I feel like a huge damn mess.

Q~

How’s you August been?

The “A” Word

July 30, 2011

Hey guys!

Wow, it’s been almost a week since I last blogged, huh?

Firstly, check out my new 100 Things page. I added all 10 weeks, all 100 things. I invite any and all of you to take the 100 Things challenge as well!  🙂

This past week has been full of ups and downs for me. I’ve still not gained back the weight I lost at the beginning of this month, but I haven’t lost any more either. I leave for Hungary on Monday, and I’m kind of anticipating the inevitable weight gain. I mean, I’ll be eating full-fat ice cream, lángos (deep-fried potato dough topped with garlic oil and cheese), creamy stews, french fries, tons of white bread, pastries. I’d have to try really hard to not gain weight. Since I need to gain weight anyway and I figure it’ll just happen once I’m there, I’ve not been actively trying to gain anything. I just think to myself, “it’s better if you start out a pound underweight, that way you can gain 2 or 3 while you’re there and not worry.” Maybe that is a problem. Maybe it’s an ED thought. But really, if I eat a ton on vacation, I think it’s ok that I haven’t been eating a ton here.

So tomorrow I’ll post a little more about Hungary, but for now there was something else that’s been on my mind.

Oooookay, well this is a really, really erm…avoided subject, to say the least. It’s about a topic people don’t like to talk about. But I’ve noticed that a couple other of you bloggers have talked about it, and since this is my blog after all, why not?

What am I even talking about? I’m talking about the taboo subject of religion. Even more specifically, the A word: atheism. You see, I’m an atheist. There. I said it.

Yes, I know I’ve kind of touched on this subject here, but I never went into more detail. Why not? Because according to a study done by the University of Minnesota, a poll of 2,000 households found that atheists are the most distrusted group of minorities, even more so than Muslims, “illegal immigrants,” gays and lesbians, and any other group.

I think, because of the disrespect, distrust, and just general dislike of atheism in this country (and the world) coming out as an atheist is comparable to coming out as gay. There’s so much stigma, so much fear of rejection, that we just keep it in. But there’s my problem. I have been keeping it in. With the exception of K and AJ (neither of whom are bothered the least bit by it) I’ve not told anybody. And with each passing day, the urge to get it off my chest grows stronger and stronger.  Neither of my parents are atheists, nor is anyone else in my family. Which, I’m sure you can imagine, makes it extra hard for me to say anything. (So typing it on my blog for anyone on internet-land to read is the solution, clearly.)

I’m not at all ashamed of this (lack of) belief. So many people I look up to are atheists: Daniel Radcliffe, Seth MacFarlane, Bill Maher, Hugh Laurie. If they proudly admit it, I can too! More than anything, I’m just scared my friends or others in my life might possibly stop liking me. I guess if they stop liking my because of this, then they weren’t true friends after all. But still, it’d hurt.

Ah well, I shall tell everyone in my life eventually. All in good time. 

Anyway, I decided that this was a start. Blogging about it was an easy, more impersonal way to declare the true me. You don’t have to respect it, just accept it.

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”

~Epicurus

Qs~

So, uh…any thoughts on my atheism? (Read: will you guys still be my friends?)

Any fun plans for August?