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It Hurts

October 9, 2011

Hey guys. I know I haven’t blogged in a long time. My life has just been crazy with school and ballet and homework.

I’m only a bit over a month in, but I can definitely say that I love my school; going back was the best decision I’ve made in a while. I wake up every single day wanting to go. As for ballet, I’ve been having so much fun. I can actually feel myself improving after each class, and I just love every minute of being there.

All is well in terms of those things, which is good. Unfortunately, I’ve been  struggling so much with something. Lately, I’ve been having a really hard time dealing with thoughts and feeling about missing Aj. I talk to him almost daily on facebook, and I try to video call with him at least once a week. But for whatever reason, this week has been especially hard in terms of dealing with the sadness and feelings of missing him.

I see pictures he’s put on facebook of him out and about in London, and I’m so happy for him. But I feel this sicking sadness that he’s in a city across an ocean, not right here in my town, 5 minutes away. I look at the pictures and burst into tears. It doesn’t take much in a FB chat conversation with him for me to begin to cry. And when we video call? Within 5 minutes I start sobbing. The last time I cried this hard over him was the day he left. Then I toned it down and only cried occasionally, because I realized I couldn’t do anything to bring him back.

Starting about a week ago though, any picture of him, any conversation with him, sometimes even just the mention of him by other people breaks me down. Maybe it’s a bad thing that I put so much love and trust into one person, a person so far away. Maybe it’s a bad thing that I spend so much time thinking about him, and relating certain real-life situations to him. “Hey, if Aj were here, he would have picked this one; Oh, Aj hates when people do that; Aw, that flavor is his favorite!”

Yeah, it probably is a bad thing, but I can’t stop.

You know what it is? I saw him on a Thursday, and he was leaving the next Tuesday. We had plans to hang out Sunday too, so when he left Thursday, I just gave him a small hug and said, “See you Sunday.”

Then Sunday, Hurricane Irene hit, so obviously, our plans were cancelled. Then Tuesday, before he left for the airport, he invited a ton of people over to say bye, and I wasn’t among them – I was at fucking ballet rehearsal instead of saying goodbye to my best friend! What the hell was I thinking? Clearly, I wasn’t thinking at all.

The last time I saw him was one random fucking Thursday when I didn’t even say a proper goodbye. I kick myself in the ass, hard, every time I think of that day.

That’s why it hurts so badly now, I think. I never got closure, I never got a goodbye. So now he’s there, and I’m here, and there’s not a thing I can do about it but sit here and cry.

Sorry for the shitty ending to a shitty post, but I’m tired, and I have an AP Bio test to study for.

I hope you all are well.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. October 9, 2011 11:05 pm

    I’m so sorry. 😦 I wish I had something to tell you that would help, but honestly I have no idea what it’s like for you. I’ve never gotten that close to anybody, ever. My problem is that I never let my walls down and I never become truly close to people.
    Is the time you had with him close not worth it because of the pain you feel now? I hope it gets better for you…

  2. October 10, 2011 2:18 am

    i’m so so sooo sorry 😦 i just want to give you a big, virtual hug!

  3. October 10, 2011 4:45 am

    im so sorry bryana. i can relate when my best friend moved to australia a few years ago.. the first few months are TOUGH. so so tough.. but it does get easier. i d recommend trying to find some new faces and get more friendly with them so that you have close relationships where you are now too!

  4. October 10, 2011 7:19 am

    Hang in there!! 😦 Sending hugs!

  5. October 10, 2011 10:23 pm

    😦 So sorry. Just know that you will see him again sometime, and the goodbye not being perfect is NOT your fault! How could you have predicted a hurricane!?

    Don’t be too hard on yourself ❤ Stay strong and have a great week ❤


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