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Why Life is Better Without Anorexia

September 10, 2011

Hello there. Wow, it’s been a loooong time since I last blogged, and man, there’s been a lot going on.

First of all, I must say, thank you, thank you, thank you for your support, encouragement, input, and acceptance on my post about atheism. Really, I was nervous about publishing it, but your comments just made my worries disappear.

So, what I have been up to?

Well, since my last post (way back on August 26th), so much has happened. Aj moved, first of all. Are you guys annoyed that that’s the first thing I bring up? Sorry.

But I have talked to him a ton over Facebook chat and I even bought a webcam, so now I can “see” him too. My mom said I could go visit him during spring break, and his parents also said it’s okay. So come April, I’ll hopefully be able to go to London for a week.

This was the very last time I saw him. He came over to my house to hang out, and we were just up in my bedroom, talking. Apparently he hates pictures, because when he saw I had the camera in my hand, he grabbed my Total Pillow so I couldn’t get his face. It’s ok, I have 3 others with his face in full view. 🙂

 

I guess I never really talked about Hungary much either, huh? It was amazing. Being in Europe with my best friend was an experience I’ll never forget. We became closer in those two weeks then we have in 15 years, and our friendship grew stronger than we ever thought it could. We walked around in downtown Budapest, got facials, visited tons of family, and may or may not have gone clubbing with my cousins and gotten a wee bit completely drunk. During this vacation, and for the first time since the start of my eating disorder, I acted like a normal teenager without a care in the world.

Speaking of the devil, I think this trip helped me so much to seal my ED up and put it away. I was forced to eat whenever others were eating (not on a schedule), where they wanted to, and what they wanted to (bye-bye safe foods.) And hey, I lived. I ate fried food, salami, pasties, ice cream, fries, and full-fat cheese. I did feel guilty some of the time, but not guilty enough to worry too much about it. Eating those foods and finding that I didn’t gain weight made me realize all over again that “junk” food does have a place in my diet. A very happy place indeed.

Lángos, which is deep-fried potato dough. Ours was topped with garlic-infused oil, sour cream, and cheese, the most traditional group of toppings.

 

First day – and first ice cream: vanilla ice cream with peanuts and chocolate swirl.

 

The best ice cream of the trip! They’re both the same color, so it’s hard to tell, but there’s one scoop of hazelnut, and one scoop of cinnamon.

 

The plum I’m eating is one I’d just picked freshly off a tree just minutes before. And no, my belly is not flat. It does have some jiggle, but that is normal; that is ok.

 

I drank in public 3 times, and not once did someone card me. That’s Europe for you. But I’m not complaining, because my mom let me have a delicious glass of Tokaji wine. I prefer white wines, and the sweeter, the better. Tokaji, a Hungarian dessert wine, is about as sweet and delicious as they come.

 

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been eating what I want, when I want, without a thought or worry about it. My relationship with food has become natural and normal once again. I don’t deny myself the food I want (hello last night’s cannolis), but I don’t force myself to finish my meal either. I’ve somehow learned to find the perfect balance for me. I eat a lot, but not too much. I move a lot, but not too much. I eat when I’m hungry and don’t eat if I’m not, even if the times are a little odd. These days, food in my life is something I thoroughly enjoy whilst I’m eating, then I finish and move on to something else; I don’t obsess. And if you ask me, that’s the way it should be, because when you’re not busy obsessing about calories or meal schedules, you have time to:

Get your sweat on,

 

Appreciate the true beauty and real purpose of food,

Get a second piercing,

Hang out with a dear friend for the last time,

Or just stop and smell the flowers.

There is so much to experience in the world, and anorexia steals it. She stole it from me for two years, and that’s time I’ll never get back. I can, however, move on and make sure that I waste no more time trapped in a personal hell. I have the choice and the power to make my life as happy as I want it to be, and I’m doing just that. I am happy – so, so very happy. My life, as far I’m concerned, is as close to perfect as it’ll ever be, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Have a great Sunday everyone!

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. Haley N permalink
    September 10, 2011 11:40 pm

    this is an absolutely beautiful post. i am trying to overcome my ED and it is hard but it is people like you that i look up to because i see how much you enjoy life now. thanks for the great post and i’m glad you had a fun, ED-free trip 🙂

  2. September 10, 2011 11:47 pm

    Oh my goodness, this is sooooo great to hear!!! This post makes me so happy! You are so beautiful and it’s just so great to hear that you’re pretty well free and now and can move on and live life properly. And Hungary just sounds perfect, and I love that you sound so optimistic about being able to see Aj and keeping in contact with him. SO incredibly happy for you!!! ❤
    [Also super excited that you're blogging again. I missed you 😦 ]

  3. Hannah permalink
    September 11, 2011 12:22 am

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I just had to comment on this post! It sounds like you are doing so much better!
    It’s funny, because I was in BP at the same time as you…I love Hungary…

    Thanks for sharing your optimism 🙂
    -Hannah

  4. September 11, 2011 3:06 am

    So happy to hear you’re alive and doing well Bryana. Tokaji is my favorite wine as well.

    And I’m sorry, but stomach jiggle – what?!?! You have skin folded over there, nothing more. You have a smoking body, don’t ever forget that, ok!

    Take care!

  5. September 11, 2011 3:48 am

    This post has made me so happy! I am so so so so so so happy for you Bryana! I was wondering how you were since you haven’t blogged in a while but I figured that no news was good news and that’s absolutely wonderful 🙂 I am so glad you had an amazing time in Hungary! I can’t believe you went clubbing at your age. That’s hilarious!!!

    You’re so beautiful, my dear, I hope you know. Absolutely shining 🙂
    xxx

  6. September 11, 2011 5:08 am

    SO HAPPY FOR YOU! SO HAPPY FOR YOU! SO HAPPY FOR YOU! you are awesome! ive seen you grow SO MUCH over the past few months! YA Y for second piercings!

  7. Alexandra permalink
    September 11, 2011 10:37 am

    oh my gosh, this is such a happy post — seriously! you know what? i can see the happiness beaming through your pictures. you look so beautiful bryana, and without the plague of an eating disorder, — oh my gosh, everything looks just perfect, and it feels that way too, doesn’t it? i especially love the “first ice cream” picture — you look amazing. you’re beautiful, you look happy, you’re being normal, eating ice cream which is delicious, and you’re just being NORMAL. It’s perfect, and i’m so proud of you.

    i am getting closer and closer to being perfectly happy and ED free and it feels so amazing. it falters a little bit sometimes, but i’m practicing and it’s working! i feel the same way you do right now.

    Listen to me, Bryana, and listen to me well:
    NEVER let this feeling falter. do you know how you feel right now? it’s amazing, right? remember it. keep it. hold on to it. things will try to interfere with your happiness but you CAN’T let it. you’re strong, inside and out, and you know it. your body is giving you a second chance at life, and you’re making the most of it. never let go, okay?

    love you, and i am so proud of you,
    alexandra

  8. September 11, 2011 12:13 pm

    I loved reading this! You are amazing, Bryana, and I’m so glad you’re not letting ED take that away from you anymore. You look absolutely gorgeous and glowing in all your pictures 😀

  9. September 13, 2011 8:45 am

    Bryana! I am SO happy you are feeling this way. Please let it stick! I so want a normal life for you. You deserve it, you are so smart, kind, and beautiful! Dont ever let anorexia back into your life….PLEASE…Just say no! LOL

  10. kayteeb permalink
    September 13, 2011 8:01 pm

    This is beautiful.. I love this post..

    I hope you don’t mind me commenting, I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now and have finally just started up my own and I thought I’d stop lurking within the shadows and actually comment 😛 Well done though, I am so proud of your progress… it is so inspiring reading your blog. Keep fighting and don’t back down to the ed again 🙂 You are so beautiful 🙂 And amazing x

  11. September 14, 2011 1:26 am

    I am so glad to have you back and hear you had a great time!! And I love the reasons life is better without ED, they are all so true, and it is sometimes these simple things that make life worth it ❤

    Have a wonderful day!

    Scott

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