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Some Random Things and a (Gross?) Story

July 16, 2011

Hi there! It’s been a while since I’ve done a proper post, huh?

I’m not sure why, but I’ve just not had any desire whatsoever to blog. The only reason I blogged Wednesday was because I’m determined to complete my 100 Things challenge. But otherwise…bleh, I did not feel like blogging. Until today.

Since this post, so much has been going on with me. And what better way to sum it all up than with some bullet points?

  • Remember these brownies I mentioned? Yeah, I still don’t feel like posting the recipe, but I have a picture! 🙂

So dense and fudgy – delicious!


  • I had a therapy appointment this past Wednesday. It’s been two weeks since I last saw her; during the summer, we are trying this “one appointment every two weeks” thing to see how I can cope with/handle anxiety (and just life in general) on my own. This is just fine by me, since I hate going and I let her know almost every time. Anyhow, I hadn’t seen her in 2 weeks, and I had a lot to tell her. I actually felt much better after I left. She said what I and all of you had suspected: that I was using food to feel in control (cope) with stress about school. We talked about why, and what I was actually stressed about, and I left feeling a lot less stressed.
  • After therapy, my mom and I got fro-yo at TCBY. The verdict? Mediocre yogurt that was hella expensive. I’m talking $6.50 for a small!!! Insanity! I’ve had yogurt before from both Pinkberry and tasti-D-lite, and and in my opinion, they are much better tasting than TCBY. But hey, it was cold and refreshing on a hot summer’s day, so it was worth it.

1/2 chocolate and 1/2 cheesecake. My dear friend Hedda, thank you so much for encouraging me to eat this and to enjoy it (which I sure did). As I ordered it, I though of you!

  • My period hasn’t come this month. And I’m not sure what my reaction should be. It has never in my life been regular, and it used to be completely normal for me to skip a month or two. So I don’t know if it’s that, or if it’s because of my weight. I have actually lost weight…and too much of it. I weighed myself this morning, not because of ED-fueled obsession, but because of Bryana-fueled worry. And I had reason to be: 110.8. I got my period back at 111, so the fact that I’m now under that weight is a very bad thing. I’ve got to start eating much more…
  • …And I have. ED has finally left the builing my head. Or at least shut up a little. I’m quite hungry these days, and I’m pretty sure it’s because my body has dropped below its comfy weight. And that, combined with ED’s quiet has allowed me to pick myself up and out of this slump and eat! Nut butter, large bowls of oats, cheese, chocolate, nuts: they’re all back. Whoo!

On a random (and slightly gross) topic, I had quite a fiasco yesterday morning. I woke up as usual at 6:50 for ballet. We leave at 8, and it was about 7:20 or so as I sat and ate breakfast. I’d seen The Deathly Hallows, Part 2 at the midnight showing, and got home about 2:30 am.

By the way, I loved it. There were so many things that I would love to have changed: the color of Lily’s and Aberforth’s eyes, the way Neville killed Nagini, Fred’s death, Voldemort’s and Bellatrix’s deaths, The Prince’s Tale scene, the fact that the items in Bella’s vault didn’t burn them…and why the hell wasn’t Crabbe there? But there were also sooo many things that I LOVED; Alan Rickman’s performance? Flawless perfection! In the end, it was a perfect ending to this epic, incredible, wonderful series. 

I had a huge snack when I got home, then went off to bed. I think it was because I ate late that night (early that morning?) but when I woke up, I wasn’t the least bit hungry. I figured that I had to eat something, because I’d be eating lunch at about 1:30, so I settled with a small banana and some cottage cheese. Halfway through the banana, I started feeling extremely grossed out, and after a few more bites, its smell, taste, and texture were making me gag. Literally.

I threw out what was left of the banana and took one more bite of cottage cheese before I started retching. My mom came into the kitchen at that moment and opened the sliding door out to the deck so I could get some fresh air. Leaning over the banister, the gagging continued until it became vomit. Ew. I stood there, hunched over the railing, puking, the taste of banana and acid lingering in my mouth. I really don’t know what – or why – that happened. Afterward, I felt a bit nauseous but otherwise fine. I called my school and told them I wasn’t coming to class; throwing up first thing in the morning is usually a good reason to stay home. 😉

I’m actually pretty upset that I threw up. Since my little bulimic period, I’ve been downright scared of vomiting. I’ve lost so much enamel on the bottom half of my top front teeth, and all my teeth are sensitive and kind of yellow. The last thing they needed was stomach acid. I rinsed my mouth thoroughly with baking soda + water and hoped for the best. Now that I think about it, the 18th of July marks the 6 month anniversary that I consciously gave up purging for good. Wow, it’s been a while. I’ll never understand why I forced myself to puke for almost 2 years. What happened yesterday morning was disgusting; I don’t understand why I willingly did it for so long.

Anyway, after all that, I ate a bowl of plain oatmeal to soothe my stomach and felt fine. Strangely enough, despite what happened in the morning, I was an eating machine for the rest of the day; I kept eating huge amounts of food every few hours. I guess my body was making up for the crap I put it through over the past 3 weeks. Sorry body.

Unfortunately, algebra is calling my name, so I’m off to get it over with. I hope you all have a great Sunday!



Favorite fro-yo place? Favorite fro-yo flavor?

For all my fellow Harry Potter lovers, what did you think of  The Deathly Hallows, Part 2?

Also, would you guys mind if my next post is about things I loved and disliked in the Hp7-2 movie? I’m so excited about it, but I wouldn’t want to bore you.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. July 16, 2011 4:56 pm

    Sorry about your throwing up episode! I’m also terrified of throwing up but thankfully I haven’t in several years. I’m actually glad to be scared of it because I can’t use it as an ED behavior.

    My city got several froyo places this summer, but my favorite so far is Pinkberry. It’s a little pricy but so worth it. My favorite flavor is actually a swirl I got at another place–coffee and cookies & cream!

  2. Sarah permalink
    July 16, 2011 6:26 pm

    This post made me smile (except for the throwing up part!). I am so happy to hear that your stress is down a bit and you’re back to eating all of the foods you had been and that you love. I can totally relate to what you experienced being so hungry. I have gone through the same thing so many times if I have been restricting. One of the lies ed tells me is that I should only be hungry if I am underweight, but that is not true. Weight has nothing to do with it…you can look physically well but your body can still be in desperate need of food! No guilt for the hunger okay?? Just listen to your body’s signals again and follow where it leads you! It knows what it’s needs are!
    I’m also really proud of you for not letting this episode of throwing up trigger you. I’m one of those weird people who never throw up…even if I have the stomach flu or something. From the time I was about 6 until 19 I didn’t throw up once 0_0. But when I did get the flu at 19 and threw up it was triggering. Purging had always been something I was afraid of because I totally couldn’t remember what it even felt like to throw up, but once I went through it again it took some of that fear away. I haven’t purged, though. But it takes a lot of strength to resist the urge. Given your history with purging I think you’re doing SO well!
    Keep fighting, girl! You’re winning!!

  3. July 16, 2011 6:54 pm

    I have a huuuuuuuuuuuuge fear of throwing up because it’s just so unnatural!

    It’s so friggen awesome that you’re getting back on the right track! It’s taken me weeks to get back on the right track from my slip over a month ago! I didn’t lose weight but the mental aspects of it have been haunting me for weeks on end. Hopefully you’ve learned from this slip, sweetie, and you can move on and be stronger for it!

    We don’t get fro-yo here, unfortunately 😦 I haven’t yet seen Harry Potter part 2 but I am SO excited to go see it next weekend with my Dad!

    Post away about anything, my dear 🙂


  4. July 16, 2011 7:49 pm

    I’m so glad to hear that you are doing better. I was really worried from your last few posts! The throwing up part stinks, I have had issues with that and the same kind of experience after so I get where your coming from.
    but the Harry Potter movie- I loved it! I too would have changed some things but it was soooo good. I loved how there were some funny parts, and of course the ending. Overall a really good movie!
    Take care ❤

  5. July 16, 2011 7:52 pm

    It’s so good to hear that you’re feeling a lot less stressed and better about everything! I’m glad you managed to pull through it – I’m still stuck in a bit of a rut, but you’re just inspiration to work harder and turn this around for good. I would absolutely love it if you did a post on the film – I already have : ) I’ve actually seen it twice already – the midnight screening on the 13th (woo! Australia!) and I went again with my Ma yesterday.It is so so so stunning and incredible and beautiful. I wept so much…. I can’t believe it’s all finished…

    • July 16, 2011 8:20 pm

      Lauren, I know! It’s hard for me to imagine it’s all over. Now I have PPD: Post-Potter depression! I too saw the midnight showing here. I don’t remember which scene it was that got me started, but I cried through about the entire 2nd half of the film. I can’t wait for the DVD, I’m too imapatient – I’ve gotta see it again in the theater.

      • July 17, 2011 5:17 am

        I just saw your comment on my blog (I don’t get too many comments, so your long comment was great!), but thought it was best to reply here. I would most definately love to talk more about HP (there’s so much to say). So yes, send me a link at

  6. July 17, 2011 12:45 am

    I am SO glad to hear that you’re feeling and doing better, Bryana!!!! That’s wonderful. I was really worried, but knew you’d be able to pull yourself back up from this slip; you’re so strong. 🙂 I can empathize the missed period possibly due to weight loss, but the good news is that you’ve been here before so you know what to do: listen to your body and eat to your heart’s content! Try to hold onto this motivation, though, because it seemed to me (and if I’m wrong I apologize- you know yourself better than anyone else! Just trying to throw my observations out there b/c I care) that you started to slip shortly after you became fully weight restored, b/c the higher number was messing w/ your body image (among other stressors like school, of course). So keep in mind as you gain weight that the ED may become loud again, but that you just have to keep fighting it b/c losing weight did not make you feel better or calm the awful thoughts. I just wrote a post about this- that a number will never make you happy even if the ED says it will.

    Anyway, sorry for the ramble, and I hope I did not overstep my boundaries by giving you my advice/observations. I haven’t had the chance to see the last HP movie yet b/c I’m on vacation with my family, but you should feel free to go ahead and write about it (I’ll just wait to read it til after I see it)!!! I’m glad you enjoyed it!


  7. July 17, 2011 2:20 am

    Would you believe I’ve never tried fro-yo. It’s almost a crime, I know, and I will jump at the first chance I get.

    And I have a throw up phobia as well, happy you feel better now!

  8. July 17, 2011 12:22 pm

    I am so glad that you have increased your intake again, and you are feeling better about it 🙂 That is such a great move, and I am so proud of you!!

    The banana cottage cheese episode sounds so scary 😦 I hope you are feeling better now ❤

    stay strong love, this battle is worth it!

  9. July 17, 2011 1:00 pm

    I HATED deathly hallows 😦 SORRY I just thought it was terrible but I’m a bit anti Harry Potter lol. I keep TRYING to like the books (ive read most) and ive seen all the movies. I Just dont like them. lol Ive tried SO HARD to get into them but :::SIGH::: I’ve accepted that Harry Potter and I were just not meant for eachother!

    I’m glad your back on track with your eating. I’ve been reading a lot of studies lately how unhealthy it is to drop and gain weight all the time. Maybe you should look into some of the complications it causes and what it does to your body (not pretty things). It might give you some motivation to find your set point and stay there, instead of being UP AND DOWN. It’s REALLY not good for you! On top of that, we all know how bad it is to miss your period 😦 but i DO have faith in you! Sometimes recovery gets bumpy, you’ll get through it!


  10. Jessica permalink
    July 17, 2011 2:08 pm

    I’m glad you have increased your intake again, you’ll feel better for it, I’m sure. I’m sorry to hear about the vomiting incident but it’s really great to see you writing about it with disgust rather than any sense of achievement etc. It shows how far you have come since you struggled with it in the past. You should be proud of yourself for that, don’t just focus on the negatives. 🙂 x

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