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An Update

July 11, 2011

Hi guys. I just wanted to pop in for a quick lil’ update.

First of all, thank you so much for all your comments, Facebook messages, and texts of support. I really appreciate it more than I can properly describe.

I’ve not been doing much better actually. I feel huge, and I’m still obsessing about when and what to eat. Case in point: I spent this morning’s 2 hour ballet class trying to decide what to eat for lunch. I was so distracted the entire class – I had no  idea what any of the combinations were because I was so preoccupied with trying to calculate calories and measurements of different foods in my head.

 That is soooo not ok, I know.

I also know I need to gain weight, that I need to stop calorie-counting, and that I really need to get my fucking shit together. Logically, I know it. But I haven’t been able to do it.

I feel huge right now. I feel fat and guilty and helpless. This isn’t me. This wasn’t who I was supposed to turn out to be. I was supposed to be Bryana, pretty, smart, talented, unstoppable. Now look at me. Who the fuck have I become? Bryana, struggling, eating disordered, sad, helpless, nothing. I was supposed to be somebody. I was ready to rule the world. Now it’s a fight just to get through the day. Who they hell am I? Why is this happening to me???

Sigh, sorry guys. Obviously, things are reeeally rough right now. And that last paragraph up there? Yeah, that wasn’t the direction I wanted to take this post, but as I started typing it, that’s what came out. I don’t mean to complain, and I don’t want to bring any of you down with my negativity. Sorry.

 

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. July 12, 2011 2:24 pm

    You ARE Bryana- pretty, smart, talented, unstoppable!
    Believe in yourself.
    You can turn this around anytime you want.
    Love you!

  2. Claire permalink
    July 12, 2011 3:01 pm

    youve been a huge inspirational figure for me. try to stay strong.

  3. July 12, 2011 4:54 pm

    Don’t loose your hope, Bryana!
    Recovery is a long process and there will be times when it all feels lost and that we’re reduced to an ED. But we are not. You ARE Bryana. You are not ED. You have proven that by gaining weight and life, by eating food ED hates, by allowing yourself to give life a try. All of that shows that you are present within you, there is so many healthy forces dancing around within you who wants to be expressed through action.
    ED is supressing them at the moment, but that does not mean they don’t exist. You exist, the happy, bright and strong Bryana with so many opportunities in life.

    Take another moment now to breathe. To try to connect with Bryana. She is there, reach out to her. See everything she has accomplished in the past couple of months. Find strength in this. You will have to steps so hard now, but they will be worth it. You can do it. You are stronger than you think, my friend. It is a hard fight, but you are never weak.

    Tomorrow you got my 100% support in taking that first step to change. Take it step by step now, Bryana. By doing so you’ll get your life back. If you want / need to you can send me a mail or FB message to get a confirmation that your healthy decision was RIGHT.

    Allways here for you.

  4. July 12, 2011 7:47 pm

    I know it can be so so hard, but you can become the Bryana you want up be–strong, fearless, inspirational. In fact, you already are. Just don’t let it get covered up by stupid ED–let your light shine!

  5. July 12, 2011 9:01 pm

    don’t apologize Bryana, you haven’t done anything wrong. And don’t be hard on yourself for struggling. having trouble doesn’t mean you are a failure, and it doesn’t define you! I absolutely know you can do this, and you deserve nothing less than a ballet class without thoughts of calories okay love? ❤

    You will get through this! ❤

    Scott

  6. July 12, 2011 9:15 pm

    stay strong girl, you are more beautiful than you can ever imagine. ❤ things WILL get better, trust me. xoxox

  7. July 12, 2011 11:26 pm

    You are still yourself- pretty, smart, talented, unstoppable Bryana!! And you WILL rule the world, I have no doubt of it! I know you can overcome this, girl. You’ve got it in you- you are stronger than you think. Do you think that you can channel this frustration with not feeling like yourself to help you fight back against the ED? Instead of feeling angry with yourself, maybe you can use it as motivation to move forward in your recovery? For me personally, losing my personality and passion for life when I’m restricting is what reminds me that resorting to the ED just isn’t worth it. I tell myself that the worst day in recovery is better than the best day in relapse.

    I believe in you 110%, but I am really worried about you because I care about you and I don’t want you to have to pull yourself back up from this slip alone- I know how hard that is. Are you seeing a therapist and nutritionist regularly? Does your family/personal support system know how rough things are right now? You deserve all the love and support you can get right now, so I hope you are seeking it out.

    Also, keep in mind that the more you restrict, the stronger the ED thoughts get. While it sucks to eat enough and deal with the negative emotions, eventually it gets to be second nature, because your brain is nourished enough to think clearly and help with emotion regulation.

    Text me if you need anything, and please try to take care of yourself. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!! *hugs*

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