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I’m Not Sure What To Think

July 3, 2011

Ok, so I had today’s post all planned out. I had the title and the topic (which was going to be all about how I feel so much better about myself and my body since the last time I posted) Matter of fact, I even had the first paragraph written and everything. Then I stopped, because I really wanted to bake some brownies (pictures and recipe in my next post, :-)), and after I finished baking, I ate dinner, then came back to wordpress to finish my post.

When I got back, I saw that I had 1 comment up for moderation. I read it, and I was…well, confused. I’ve gotten spam comments before. For those of you on wordpress, you know that there’s that spam detector/protector thingy. So spam comments go in my spam que and I can either decide they’re not spam, or delete them.

Anyway, I couldn’t decide if this comment I got was spam or not, so I just went with the assumption that it’s not spam, but just a rude, thoughtless comment. I debated whether or not to approve it, how to reply, and what to actually say. But, before I go any further, let me actually show you all this comment:

   alyss    BMI 20 = fat ???? seriously go get HELP friend, that is disturbing!

Well!

So acting under the assumption that this is in fact an actual comment, there are a few things I’d like to say to Alyss.

First of all, you must not have been reading my blog for long – if you had, you’d have known that I gained 17 pounds in 3 months and I’m in a perfectly healthy frame of mind to know what “underweight” is. You’d have known that I am completely, totally physically recovered, with my period, my shiny hair, big leg muscles, and tons of energy. You’d know that since I hit my goal weight back in APRIL, (3 months ago), I’ve not lost weight, but have in fact gained a bit.

I’d also venture to guess that you haven’t suffered from anorexia, because if you had, you’d know that when people say “I feel fat,” they don’t literally mean, “When I look in the mirror, I see the world’s fattest man looking back at me.” They simply mean, “My body dysmorphia is causing me too see myself as larger than I am, and larger than I’d like to be, but I do full well know that I am not literally as huge as the world’s fattest man.” 

Any recovered anorexic would tell you that a BMI of 20 is not fat, but it’s not too small either. People who have not yet begun recovery might say that 20 is huuuge. But no one would say 20 is too little. Many anorexics are at a BMI of 17 or less. For example, the lowest mine ever was was 15.6. Considering I lost my period at 19.5, my current status of 20 is in fact not disturbingly small at all!

Alyss, I’d also like to point out that I have gotten help. And I’ve been doing so well, that I don’t need much of it anymore. If you’d read more than this one post of my blog, you’d have known that I got help pretty much from the start. I started seeing an ED-specializing psychologist, an ED-specializing doctor of adolescent medicine, and an ED-specializing dietician almost immediately after my parents realized what was going on. I’ve also seen a psychiatrist and have had blood-tests and bone density scans. If you’d taken the time to read a couple other of my posts, or at least the About page before you decided to leave me such a careless comment, you’d have known that I have in fact “gotten help.”

So let’s review, shall we? A BMI of 20 does not = fat, because when I say “fat” I don’t mean “fat” in the 100% literal sense. I have gotten help, and I’m healthy enough that I don’t need much of it anymore. And no, a BMI of 20 is not disturbing. Oh, and lastly, you are not my friend. Please. My actual friends know who I am and how I’m doing, and they know not to make baseless accusations such as what you’ve done in this comment that I am just going to delete. 

This probably sounds reeeally offensive, and I’m most likely going to read this later and regret what I wrote, but right now, I’m so annoyed and feel this strong urge to defend myself. So if you actually do come back and read this Alyss, please know that it’s nothing against you personally; I’m just upset with the actual content of your comment.

Oh, and if this is a spam comment, then oops. I guess I just wasted my breath (finger energy?) on nothing.

So everybody else, what do you think about this comment? I’d really like to know.

Also, if you have a blog, have you ever received comments of this nature?

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. proudpatriot07 permalink
    July 3, 2011 9:10 pm

    I’ve never gotten things like this, but I also don’t talk about my ED on my blog at all. In fact, I don’t talk about it in real life very much. It’s like the elephant in the room. People know it’s there, just that none of us discuss it.

    I hope you’re feeling better today though… even if it was a spam comment, if it helped you to get all that out, I guess it’s worth it in that sense.

    A.L.

  2. July 3, 2011 9:26 pm

    I think she meant the fact that you “thought 20 bmi was fat” was disturbing, not that the actual number itself was disturbingly low.

    Anyway I can understand why you’re upset, there are a lot better ways to express concern, if that’s what it was. I mean, I could say that I would love to be at your weight and that it’s not fat whatsoever, but I know that EDs aren’t about that at all! It’s not so much about weight and it’s definitely not about comparisons or other peoples opinions. I just think if people don’t have knowledge about what it’s like to HAVE an eating disorder, they shouldn’t comment. At least not rudely.

  3. Laura permalink
    July 3, 2011 9:56 pm

    Bryana,
    Personally, I don’t think it was a spam comment. I think it was someone who didn’t know how to express their concern and ended up with a comment that was offensive to you, just as many people kind of put their foot in thier mouth when it comes to EDs because people usually just say the “wrong” thing. I think that they really meant that perceiving a 20 BMI as fat was a disturbing concept, and if you really think about it, I’m sure there are many people reading your blog who have a BMI of 20+ and have a hard time thinking that your BMI is fat (because it’s not, obviously). But EDs aren’t about the weight, as you said.

  4. July 3, 2011 10:36 pm

    I don’t think your post was offensive at all! You have every right to express your feelings. I’m totally with you on the ED not being about weight thing. I know rationally that I’m not fat but that doesn’t mean I don’t ever see myself as fat. The numbers thing is scary for me, too. I would consider myself pretty far along in my recovery because I rarely restrict and I don’t see outside help anymore, but my BMI is still technically underweight and I still see myself as fat. But I know that I’m miles away from my lowest BMI which was in the low 14s, so I think if someone said my current BMI is too thin, I would beg to differ, just like you did. I really think the commenter was trying to be helpful, but they honestly know nothing about EDs so they shouldn’t have commented.

  5. July 3, 2011 11:22 pm

    I agree with everyone else. It sounds like this person just didn’t know how to express their concern, but I think you have every right to be upset. Or at least to express your feelings in anyway you see fit on your blog. And that includes having a “fat day”, even if you logically know that you aren’t fat.

    I’ve never had any negative comments on my blog (knock on wood), but then I have a fairly small amount of followers – whom I LOVE, btw!

    Don’t let this ruin your weekend, dear. Have a happy 4’th!

  6. July 4, 2011 12:25 am

    OMG BRYANA THAT GIRL HAS BEEN BITCHING ON MY BLOG TOO!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY… PARDON MY FRENCH BUT PLEASE FUCK ON ALYSS OR ‘A’…u ASS HOLE

  7. July 4, 2011 12:25 am

    and yes that was harsh but the fact that shes been saying things on BOTH our blogs and probs more.. its just RUDE

  8. July 4, 2011 12:31 am

    I love how you addressed this! Whether that comment was genuine or not I’m really EFFING pissed off. But hey, haters gon’ hate. I want you to re-read what you wrote and truly truly believe it. You’re gorgeous, lovely, and don’t ever forget that 🙂

    xxx

  9. July 4, 2011 7:58 am

    Some people have no idea how to express themselves… But I have to agree that the comment you received was on the harsh side… and rude. I guess we all can expect that from time to time if we put ourselves out there in the blog world. The secret is to just stand proud and tall throughout it and to not let the comments influence who we are. Because they’re just that… Comments. I think you handled it the right way. 🙂

  10. July 4, 2011 6:56 pm

    I agree with everyone above- you handled this very well!!! I’m proud of you for defending yourself and the progress you’ve made in your recovery!

  11. July 4, 2011 8:23 pm

    I haven’t gotten these types of comments, but my blog is blocked from search engines… I don’t know if that changes anything…

    I am so sorry you had to get this comment, especially after putting yourself out there, and letting us know you were struggling, because I KNOW that takes a lot of courage. And hearing this must be disheartening, but I really do know that the people out there that care for you, in the blog world and in real life, are WAY more important than anyone who leaves a comment like that!

  12. July 6, 2011 12:01 pm

    No need to leave mean comments “Alyss”! Bryana, you’re amazing! Don’t forget it! ❤

  13. July 6, 2011 8:38 pm

    I’ve never gotten anything like that, but I’m pretty sure you’re right that she just doesn’t understand recovery. Otherwise, she would know that you are nowhere near being actually overweight, but it’s hard to see that when anorexia has plagued your mind for so long.
    I don’t think your reaction is too strong at all. I am glad you received this comment, actually, because it gave you a reason to look back over all of the progress you have made and how far you have come since starting recovery!
    You are so beautiful Bryana, inside and out. Don’t ever doubt that.
    ❤ Haley

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