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So, um…I Feel Like Crap…

July 1, 2011

*Possible trigger. This entire post is about my weight. Read with caution.*

You know how I’m always bitching and moaning about my shit scale?

Well, I was (and still am) feeling like an obese fat-ass cow today, so even though I know the scale’s a complete piece of crap,  I decided to weigh myself just to get an estimate. I walked into my parents’ bathroom, (where the scale is) and did a double-take. Where the scale used to sit was this brand new, shiny, accurate, digital scale. Whoa! Where’d that come from?

But I just figured, hey, at least it’ll actually give me a correct number. So I took my shoes off and got on. Bam: 114.4!!! The first thought through my head thing ED said was “oh fuck!” followed by “how could you let this happen?” followed by, “you ought to be ashamed of yourself you slob-ish, fat-ass, no-good piece of crap.”

Then a thought occurred to me. “Man, I have to pee. Hey, maybe I’ll weigh less afterwards.” So I peed. Got on the scale. 113.6.

“That’s better. Not good. Nowhere near good, you fat fuck, but better.”

Ugh, shut up you bastard. Anyhow.

So now I’m 113.6 motha-fuckin’ pounds. And I feel like shit. And my BMI is now officially 20. Granted, it was 7pm and I’d just finished dinner when I weighed myself (maybe not the best time?). I’ll try again tomorrow on an empty stomach. Maybe it’ll be less. I ED sure as hell hopes so.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. Laura permalink
    July 1, 2011 7:49 pm

    7 pm is possibly the worst time to weigh yourself. There have been times I’ve been 5 lbs heavier at that time of night (I now only weigh in the morning because it’s too upsetting). But try to think about what that number actually means to you anyway. For so many people with EDs, a number was a measure of self-worth, determination and self-esteem when they were in their EDs. But you’re recovering. You need to be healthy so that you can have energy, be free from the obsession and live life to the fullest. Being unhealthy and too thin will only bring you back to the misery of your ED. Not to mention, your self-worth should not be determined by a number on a scale, and recovery takes determination.

  2. July 1, 2011 8:23 pm

    Awh, Bryana, I’m really sorry you feel like shit! I’ve seriously decided to stop weighing myself because it always makes me feel horrible. If I’m going to do it, I’ll only do it first thing in the morning without heavy clothes on so the number won’t freak me out. Trust me, you probably weigh at least 3 lbs less than what the scale said because you just ate. And honestly, a BMI of 20 is pretty thin for someone who is very active and muscular like you are. Don’t let the stupid scale stress you out. You are still gorgeous inside and out and always will be!

  3. July 1, 2011 9:09 pm

    Umm Bryana, I weigh 4 pounds heavier just after breakfast alone. After 3 meals and 3 snacks who knows how much more I weigh. Seriously, you just weighed yourself along with the food you ate that day. And you SHOULD be a BMI of 20. That’s what a healthy BMI is. Not 18. Not 19 (although we’d like to convince ourselves of that.) If you’ve had an eating disorder, a BMI of 20 is what you should aim for. Sweetie, I know you’re having a hard time. I mean, I am too! But I am a BMI of 20-21 and I feel like a “fat fuck” some days but I know it’s not true. It’s just because you’re not used to your new weight. My question is, why can’t you accept that your body wants to weigh a little more than your mind wants you too? Think beyond the “because I don’t wanna be fat” answer. It’s more than that.

    Love you sweetie ❤

  4. proudpatriot07 permalink
    July 1, 2011 9:57 pm

    I’m sorry you feel this way *hugs*. Unfortunately, I can’t offer much help because I feel the same way most of the time. Don’t worry about BMI and numbers so much, I would honestly say try not to weigh at all, maybe once a week or something or if you have to go to the doctor? I went like 3 weeks without weighing and felt so liberated, I want to do it again, it really helps just not to step on the scale at all because if the number is up, the ED won’t be happy, if the number is down, it still won’t be low enough for the ED… it’s a lose lose situation every time we weigh, really.

  5. July 1, 2011 10:43 pm

    Bryana! people gain up to 8 pounds in a day from food and fluid! honestly.. worst time ever to weigh yourself.. weigh yourself in the morning..cuz seriously dont fret over that.. its normal!!

  6. July 2, 2011 4:22 am

    I guess I can’t be of much help – because I feel pretty much exactly the same. So without being too hypocritical (hopefully): I know how hard it is deal with the numbers you see on the scale, but really, it’s no way to live a life. Just think of how much happier you are now. Those numbers don’t mean anything – don’t let them dictate your happiness, don’t let them take away your health. Katy made the good point that a BMI is 20 is completely healthy – and with all your muscle from ballet, a BMI really doesn’t mean too much anyway. I really hope you’re feeling better about it all soon, but, again, I know how hard it is. I’m sorry I can’t be of too much help. Your comments on my last post were absolutely gorgeous and wonderful. Thankyou so so much. xxx

  7. July 2, 2011 4:32 am

    Bryana – remember that scales are full of BS and they always lie. Seriously, they have been the most triggering thing in my recovery.
    And yes, weighing in after dinner definitely doesn’t sound like it’ll give you an accurate number. I’ve had simular scares as well, only to weigh in the next day and feel really silly about it. Another thing to remember is that every scale weighs differently, and just because this one is “new and digital” doesn’t at all mean it’s more accurate then the old one. So please don’t try to let that number get to you, no matter how hard it is
    I know letting go of the scale is scary, but I can safely say it’s one of the best things I’ve done in recovery up till now. I feel so much freeer, happier and more confident in my body then every before.

    Hang in there Bryana – I hope you feel better soon.

  8. July 2, 2011 3:03 pm

    I am so sorry you are feeling so bad 😦 Just remember that the number on the scale= Load of shit! Really, nothing good comes from it, don’t let it bother you love. I have had the same thing happen when I weigh at night, but it is just so inaccurate and it varies so much, you don’t need to worry about it one bit.

    And the BMI thing, I have said before, is just so bad. BMI is NOT a good way to measure athletes, because muscle weighs more than fat! It is just another stupid number anyhow…

    Don’t get down on yourself, it is all good okay? You are amazingly beautiful, and healthy, and it is worth every pound.

    Sending positive vibes and love your way ❤


  9. Sarah permalink
    July 3, 2011 3:16 pm

    Hey girl,
    I have been reading but not commenting lately. It hurts to see you struggling so much. I can so relate to your insecurities about your tummy, it is the absolute WORST place on my body of self-criticism and hatred too. I check it constantly, it has become a habit for me to check it every single time I walk past a mirror because I’m always hoping it will be as flat as I want it to be.
    I think it’s so hard to allow the appearance of our stomach to hold so much power in our lives though. The stomach is without a doubt the part of the body that changes the MOST. One day it’s puffed out, the next it sunken in…and it has nothing to do with fat!! Bloating, digestive issues, the time of month, the time of day….any and all of it impacts the appearance of our tummies!
    If it helps at all, mine is extremely bloated right now too…and driving me CRAZY. But there are so many reasons for it that rationally I know have nothing to do with over eating, even though ed tells me that is the reason for it. The same goes for you girl. Let’s both try to simply let our bodies be…if they need to hold water for a few days that’s okay, if they need to digest food more slowly sometimes that’s okay. We need to just trust that our bodies can handle things when we feed them properly. It’s a LONG process but so worth it. We will get there, keep fighting!!!

  10. Claire permalink
    July 3, 2011 6:59 pm

    Hey Bryana! I’ve gone on vacation so I hadn’t been reading your blog lately. I just came back and am so sorry to hear that! You were doing so well a month ago. Keep in mind that ED is definitely not somebody you want to listen to! He never had your best interests in mind. It’s not what Bryana wants – it’s all about ED! Have a good summer and I’ll keep reading. You have been one of my inspiring blog reads, so I hope you shake off this feeling soon!

  11. Teresa permalink
    July 9, 2011 1:24 am

    I always try to remind myself that studies have shown women in recovery who maintain higher (healthy) BMIs–ie 20, 21 rather than 19–are MUCH less likely to relapse. So just think of it as insurance against going back to the hell of the Ed again.

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