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100 Things: Part 7

June 29, 2011

¡Buenos días mis amores!

¿Cómo están? Espero que están bien.

 

The bloating hasn’t gone down; as a matter of fact, it’s gotten worse. And on top of that, the actual fat between my skin and abdominal muscles seems to have increased. It forms real fat folds when I sit, and it’s disgusting. Ballet started yesterday and I restricted to about 1,800 calories (I need about 2,100 to maintain while dancing). I’ve already eaten dinner, but so far today I’m at about 1,225. Uh-oh…I guess? 

I plan on eating a snack, but it probably won’t be more than 400. So what is that, 1,625 for the day? Oops. Well, whatever. I don’t know how much I weigh thanks to my shit scale, but I really wish I did. If a reliable scale said I was 112, then I’d know that restricting is unnecessary. But I feel like I’m 115, maybe more, and I want to lose weight – just a little. (Wow, how anorexic does that sound?!?) I keep pinching  my fat and reminding myself, “this is why you have your period,” but I don’t recall having this much when I got it back in April. And I guess that’s why I feel like I could stand to lose a few. I got my period back at a lower weight, so now I can lose until I’m back at that weight.

Ugh, this is exactly what happened last year. I was 107 pounds when ballet started for the summer, and I took it as an opportunity to lose 7 pounds. I don’t want that happening again, but it’s so tempting to use ballet as a weight loss tool.

Anyway…enough negativity from me. It is Wednesday, which means another installment of 100 Things That Make Me Happy.

Part 7, here we go.

 

61.) Home videos

 

62.) Singing along to the radio in the car

 

63.) Over-sized, snuggly sweaters 

 

64. Waking up hungry

 

65.) Things that are purple

 

 

66.) Playing outside in the rain

 

67.) PB&J’s

 

68.) Baking

 

69.) Riding roller-coasters

 

70.) New York City

 

Qs~

Do you like roller coasters?

What’s your favorite sandwich?

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. June 29, 2011 9:24 am

    Girl, you are beautiful! Lots of love and prayers your way. 🙂 ❤

  2. June 29, 2011 12:04 pm

    It makes me so sad to read that you’re starting to restrict. 😥 I know it’s hard but do you really only want recovery if you stay at the same weight forever? Recovery shouldn’t be conditional… You don’t deserve an eating disorder! ❤

  3. June 29, 2011 3:01 pm

    I love ALL the things you mentioned this time haha. Please don’t restrict, i have been doing this lately and now my metabolism is completely screwed up 😦 I used to maintain on 2500, and yesterday i gained on 1200! :/ It sucks, and i know i’ll have to gain a bit of weight for it to go back to normal now. Also now that I am eating more again I’m back to a big pregnant belly that had only just started to go away.

    Stupid anorexic thoughts, don’t listen to them! Not worth it *shake head lots*. You are such a strong girl, an inspiration and i know you can get through this moment. Lots of love ❤

  4. June 29, 2011 5:22 pm

    Hey girl, I’m gonna echo what everyone else has been saying: Don’t go there. What happiness has restriction and listening to ED ever brought you? Maybe it was a temporary good feeling, but I know that it didn’t last. It’s not worth giving up your health and beauty for a few pounds. You have always been such an inspiration to me in how you’ve been so determined to get rid of ED, and I know we all struggle and slip, but it isn’t worth it. You are gorgeous, inside and out, and you deserve happiness, not the crap that ED brings.

  5. June 29, 2011 9:54 pm

    Bryana, you don’t have to lose weight to make you “beautiful.” You are absolutely BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! You are gorgeous inside and out and I know that to be true.

  6. June 29, 2011 11:23 pm

    It’s only “disgusting” because you’re not used to it. Hun, bear in mind that you are a growing woman and you are going through changes – your body isn’t going to stay the same throughout your teenage years. Just because you got your period back at a lower weight doesn’t mean that your body is healthy at that weight. It just means that it was the bare minimum that your body needed in order to start menstruating again. If you want to be at your healthiest, you could probably stand to be at least 5 pounds higher than that weight. I know that when I get my period back, I know that I’m going to want some lee-way between the weight that I got it back at and where I will comfortably sit. Hun, having tummy flab is actually completely normal. In fact, it’s NOT normal when people *don’t* have tummy flab. I most certainly have it and I wasn’t a fan at first but I got used to it over time and have grown to accept that it’s just a part of being a woman. I like to think of it as where my future baby is going to live and I like to think that it will be what will protect it.

    You are strong, Bryana, and you KNOW that any amount of weight you lose will not be enough and then you’ll end up with the same mentality as before. Your life doesn’t revolve around your weight or appearance, honey. I know that you are going through some stress with your studies at the moment so couldn’t you be trying to take your mind off of that by concentrating on your body as a means of control?

    If you need to talk I’m here for you. Just FB or email me any time 🙂

    xxx

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