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I Will Keep Fighting

April 30, 2011

‘Sup guys?

So things around here have been just sorta bleh. ED is everywhere! Not that I listen to a word of that bullshit, but still, it’s so hard to deal with.

Apparently I am not “allowed” to have more than one serving (2 tablespoons; I don’t measure, I eyeball) of nut butter a day, chips,  ice cream,  milk, or more than 2 Hershey’s kisses in a day. Of course, I go ahead and eat those foods anyway, but then a mental battle ensues. I refuse, absolutely refuse to regress, to slip, or to fall. This is tiring…ED is tiring.

But I will keep fighting.

I have not yet found the balance that is right for my body. I went from eating so little to eating so much in a span of 2 weeks. I never learned the middle ground – I only know starving and stuffing. I try to remind myself that during the 14 years before my anorexia, I ate intuitively and was not overweight at all. So I know that it is possible. I have done it before, and I will learn to do it again.

I will keep fighting.

I was looking at myself a lot in the mirror at ballet today. And  you know what? I loved the way I look. I thought my body was beautiful; I felt so happy and incredibly proud. I have fought so hard to accomplish all that I have. That is exactly why I will not allow myself to walk back into ED’s poisonous embrace. I’ve worked too hard and come too far to lose what I have gained. I will do all that is within my power to maintain everything, both the physical and mental aspects.

I will keep fighting.

And I will win.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. April 30, 2011 11:20 pm

    good for you girl, keep at it!!!

  2. May 1, 2011 12:02 am

    Hey Bryana sorry I haven’t commented in a while but I’ve still been reading so I know about your current struggles with ED. In one of your past comments to me, you reminded me that ED is an ass so I’m going to use your words to remind you too (even though I know you already know that!) I’m just really glad you aren’t giving in because you are so much stronger than this. It sucks dealing with ED thoughts but I think the more and more you push then out of your life, the less and less they’ll be there. So just keep doing what you’re doing; I think you are so amazing!

  3. May 1, 2011 3:59 am

    BEAUTIFUL post- i believe you in you! 🙂

  4. May 1, 2011 7:29 am

    WOW! What an inspiring post! I really admire that you are working so hard to fight each day. it really is a tough battle but like you say, you’re happier now. Good for you loving how your body looks, so you should! ^_^

  5. May 1, 2011 7:32 am

    Bryana I KNOW you can fight ED. And I believe that you will win!
    I’m struggling to find a balence as well and it’s extremely hard. It truly does feel as if ED is everywehre. But the truth is, we are stronger than ED. And, one step at a time, ED is on the way out of out lives.
    Keep going! xoxxo

  6. May 1, 2011 11:52 am

    So sorry that things have been difficult, but you’re right – you’ve made so much progress in such a short time that it will take some time to adjust. I’m sooo proud of you for not giving in to ED thoughts. You are truly amazing and a fighter. I KNOW you can do this!

  7. Hedda permalink
    May 1, 2011 1:49 pm

    You are at a very vulnerable place right now, but you will win.

    As you say – all you know is restricting and ” stuffing “. You’re now finding yourself in a new phase of recovery, one where you have to figure out what to eat to maintain your health and life. I can’t give you the answer to that, but what I can tell you is that being dictated about what we are “allowed” / ” not allowed ” to eat does not have a place in a healthy diet and life. That has nothing to do with balance and is the voice of destructive forces. I know it’s hard, but fight your hardest to disobey them. They want to take you back, to destroy everything you’ve fought so hard for.

    You are absolutely right to be proud of your body, it is amazing. So is your soul, your incredible courage and great heart. You are to be proud of the one YOU are.
    With help from a professional you will learn to interpret and trust the signals your body is sending you, honoring them and continue to walk through the day in a healthy and strong body.

    Allways here for you. ❤

  8. Sarah permalink
    May 1, 2011 6:06 pm

    Hey girl,

    I’m sorry to have been absent for your last few posts.

    Keep your chin up during this hard time. I think we all go through phases where it feels GREAT to feed our body and nourish ourselves as needed but then at other times it feels like an impossible chore. I promise, each of these phases of impossibility will pass and you will find that balance between eating for weight loss and eating for gain.

    Do you have a loose meal plan in place? At times like these it can help just to have something to reference throughout the day to make sure you’re having enough. Of course you can have more than what is on the mp, but sometimes ed can be so tricky convincing us that we’ve eaten enough when really we haven’t…it might be good just to have a baseline for what your body needs.

    I’m thinking of you girl! I’m always here for you!

  9. time for happiness permalink
    May 2, 2011 7:16 am

    hey bryana
    I’m kinda going through the same thing, and it sucks big time. Like once your at your weight, its like… what now? But you’re fighting and being so aware, and I am so proud of you for that. It’d be so easy to just say “eh… i’ll get back on track tomorrow” but you are nottt doing that, your being the little trooper that you are and doing what you gotta do dont give ed back the control, bryanas so much more worth it 🙂

  10. May 3, 2011 12:38 am

    Yes you will, you will wind this battle Bryana 🙂 I am here now too, ED yelling at me all day long and I am just trying to shut it out, it sucks :/ But you are amazing Bryana, you really are, and you are fighting so strong, and I am so happy for you 🙂 ED will fall, and he will fall hard ❤


  11. May 4, 2011 2:23 pm

    Hey Bry, sorry I haven’t commented in a while!
    But I also hate the way we’re not “allowed” to have certain foods in our society.. It’s so stupid. We’re judged for eating chocolate? What if we want it and we’ve eaten relatively healthy the rest of the day prior?
    It’s so great that you are loving your body right now. I’m dealing with self-image issues, and ED is screaming that I am fat. But I’m trying to do what you’re doing and eat intuitively. I am also struggling between starvation and being overly stuffed. I have faith it will all balance out in the end, though. We just have to keep trusting our bodies!
    You are SUCH an inspiration to me girly! Keep it up ❤

  12. May 24, 2011 6:25 am

    you can! work that out with me!

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