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I Want It So Badly!

April 6, 2011

Hey guys. So I have been extremely anxious today, though the reason is very stupid, since there is nothing I can do about it. But I just cannot take it any more. Gah!!!

(And for any male readers, sorry. You may just want to skip this one.)

I weighed myself this morning, and I was 113 pounds. No, I do not care that my weight was 3 pounds above the “goal weight.” This was after breakfast, so I did have about 2 pounds of food and water in my belly. So really I am somewhere between 110-111 pounds. Nope, that’s still not the problem.

The problem is this: 

I want my f**king period already!!!!

I want some sign that it’s coming. I want some whisper telling me when I can expect it. Yesterday while I was cooking breakfast, I felt a twinge of pain where my left ovary is. I don’t know if that was ovulation pain or just a muscle spasm near that area. And it kills me that I can’t know for sure. I want proof. I want a set time frame. I want someone to tell me when I can expect it, whether that’s 3 weeks, or 3 months.

Two years ago in April I had my last period. I was about 110 pounds. Now it’s April again, and I weigh more that 110. I want it to come back. It has no freakin’ reason not to. I have all this jiggly belly flub on my tummy, which is plenty of extra fat and nutrition. It seems like enough to get my organs up and running again.

Ugh!!! The anxiety surrounding this is making me a complete wreck. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and hopefully many of my questions will be answered. But really, I don’t want answers. I want my period.

I eat soooo much food these days. Since this post, I’ve just been eating non-stop. I eat nut butters with reckless abandon. I eat fried, not baked potato chips, as well as a ton of ice cream, cheese, clif bars, and chocolate. And I weigh 111 pounds. Hello estrogen? Wakie-wakie! It’s definitely time to get up now! Seriously.

Wow, this post is a mess, huh? Sorry. I’m just very stressed and anxious about this. I feel so helpless. So out of control!!!! And I really, really hate that.

Ladies, I could really use some advice on this. I know every single body is different, but it would help just to know what might happen. If any of you have lost a period and gotten it back naturally (sans birth control) would you mind sharing your story? How long did it take for you to get it back once you re-gained the weight? It would help me so much to know what I could possibly expect.  I am an anxious mess, and I really just need the help right now.

Oh, and two more things:

1) I’d still love to hear more of your questions for my Q&A. So please don’t be shy. So long as they are appropriate, (and all of them have been) ask me anything!!!  🙂

2) I updated my About page. Now it more accurately describes me and what I am all about!

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16 Comments leave one →
  1. April 6, 2011 1:49 pm

    ah do not worry! sometimes it takes a while for the body to respond after being so underweight.. it kinda goes woah! and wnts to make sure you will be at this weight forveer so it waits a bit.. its very smart!!
    it sounds like your hormones are kicking in though! esp since you are hungrier- yay- it will come soon!!!

  2. shauna permalink
    April 6, 2011 2:00 pm

    I lost my period for two years after getting really emaciated and I wasn’t able to gain it back until I hit a BMI of 24 (which is definitely still healthy, just on the high side). And to get to that BMI I was eating a LOT, around 6000 calories a day. That was back in 2006. This year I had a semi-relapse and am down to a BMI of 18 and I lost my period again which is proof that after an ED our bodies become really, really sensitive and don’t put up with being even a little bit underweight. You may just need to give it time! Be patient, keep nourishing your body and trust yourself, it will come back eventually!! Promise. You are doing great.

    • April 10, 2011 9:16 pm

      Wow, Shauna! Thank you so much for this comment, and the two links. I read through them, and they did ease my mind a bit. I really appreciate the support!!!

  3. April 6, 2011 2:03 pm

    hey bryana — it really takes a while. I lost mine at the end of 2008 and i was “weight restored” again by May — and i didn’t get it until september! be patient, it will happen. you are not alone!

    xoxo
    Alexandra

  4. April 6, 2011 2:11 pm

    I know how hard it is to want your period back so much! If you look back on my blog you can see the first 6 months of my posts were fully dedicated to me complaining about my period. haha…. It never came back until my body was at it’s “happy weight” for me! That’s all the advice I have to give. Keep eating and LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! If your body is still hungry and you are cutting it off it could be trying to tell you that it wants more food so you can gain an extra pound or two. THat’s what was happening to me and I ignored it for a long, long time! So yeah, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY and be patient!!

    XOXO

  5. April 6, 2011 3:35 pm

    Bryana you will get your period back! I would try not to get too anxious about it because stress can send your horomones out of whack. I got my period before hitting my goal weight, but I had never had a high percentage of body fat before my ED, so my body thought it was okay to get it again.
    I know this is frustrating but you are doing all the right things! Your body will thank you for it, just give it time
    Emma(:

  6. Victoria permalink
    April 6, 2011 7:37 pm

    Hi Bryana, I have never commented before but thought I would now as I have some info to add on the subject. I have actually studied this at University as part of a Dietetic degree. The short explanation is that a woman’s body fat stores and regulates certain hormones within the body. The fat cells communicate with the body and release oestrogen (and other hormones) to regulate not only your period, but general functioning within the body as hormones are utilised by all body systems. The best explanation would be that you may have gained back to an original weight that your body was getting its period at before your Ed, but after the body has gone through severe stress (such as starvation etc.) the body fat takes time to re-regulate and begin to gain the ability to self-regulate its hormone system again. Its basically a wait and watch game unfortunately, but you should definitely chat to your Dr about it since your concerned. If you have any questions, i am more than happy to answer them.
    Otherwise, I would like to say that you are such an inspirational blogger. You can tell through your writing that you are true to yourself and display such courage and bravery in fighting this horrid disease. Take care.
    Victoria

    • April 10, 2011 9:19 pm

      Thank you so much Victoria. Getting this response was incredible. I cannot express how much this means to me!!!

  7. April 6, 2011 8:37 pm

    Deep Breath. Just WAIT.- actually that’s all you can do along with making sure you are taking steps to stay/ get healthy.. Think about it this way- you’re going to have to wait until your body is ready anyways, so why make it worse by obsessing over it? Plus, if one menstural cycle is on average 28 days, then it wouldn’t show until day 14. If your cycle is longer it could be on day 18, 19, 20,22…you get it. So, once your body gets to the point of being able to have a period you still have to wait until mid-cycle.

  8. time for happiness permalink
    April 6, 2011 9:04 pm

    Girl, I AM IN THE SAME BOAT! I can really relate! I got mine on my 16th birthday and lost it just after my 18th, got it again for about a month over the course of being 18, and then now its been gone ever since….and I will be 21 in October. Now I am weight restored and I just want it back already!!!!! But our bodies are smart and they dont want to take a chance at us starving again, so thaaaats why its being extra careful! It will commeee my dear! I’ll be waiting with you hehe

  9. Lucy permalink
    April 6, 2011 9:28 pm

    Keep eating you will get there! SO inspired by you:)
    Here are some questions for you:

    1. What is your faith/spirituality like?
    2. Do you want to dance professionally or in college?
    3. What college do you want to go to?
    4. Is it hard to watch other girls around you with eating disorders?

  10. squigglefloey permalink
    April 6, 2011 9:48 pm

    Hi dear, just found your blog and am SO impressed with your recovery! You are doing so wonderfully! Anywho, just keep doing what you’re doing and it. will. come. Your body just needs time to make sure that you won’t let it down 🙂

  11. April 7, 2011 12:16 am

    Oh Bryana! I wish I had the answer for you, but all I can say is that I agree with everyone above, just give it time! I am unusual in that I never had my period before anorexia, and only started having mine a year ago because of birth control. Maybe you could ask your doctor to get a prescription for a low dose BC to help “jumpstart” your period; I’ve heard that this can help. Then in a few months, you could test your body to see if it can have it naturally by skipping the pills. But only if you’re comfortable taking them, I know a lot of people don’t want to and that’s totally fine! Just hang in there, girl 😀

  12. April 8, 2011 4:19 am

    It often takes a while for your body to settle before you get your period back. Well the last time I lost it and it came back, it took about 6 months of normal eating. It’ll come back, I promise. I’m still waiting on mine…

    xxx

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