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The One Reason I Don’t Regret This ED

March 11, 2011

Is you all.

Having this blog, writing these posts, receiving questions, comments, and incredible support is the one reason I wouldn’t go back in time and change things if I could.

Sure, in many ways, I would probably be much better off in my life. I’d go to an actual school, go to parties, hang out with friends, get leading roles at dance, or have a boyfriend. Because of what has happened, it’s like I’ve been set back 2 whole years. My physical body had regressed back to how I looked at 12 (finally now the teenage curves are reappearing), I lost many friends, I couldn’t handle social interaction and started homeschooling, and I became so weak that I missed out on a ton of great ballet opportunities. It sucks, and all of those reasons and some would make me want to hop right right into a time machine and go back to fix everything. But I can’t.

That being said, I wouldn’t go back to re-do everything, because if I didn’t have my ED, I wouldn’t have met all of you wonderful, remarkable people. I wouldn’t have had such anger, sadness, and frustration, so I wouldn’t have had the desire or drive to create this blog. Heck, up until July 2010, I didn’t even really know what a blog was. I accidentally stumbled across one when I was looking for a product review, and the rest is history.

So for that one simple reason, I wouldn’t wish I could reverse this anorexia. It has shaped exactly who I am today. I have discovered new things I like and LOVE, new talents I have (especially in writing), and new things I’d like to try. It has made me realize that I am much stronger than I could have ever believed. Without my anorexia, I wouldn’t know about any of you; I wouldn’t have made a bunch of amazing, caring, and helpful friends. This will sound corny, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I love you all more than I can describe. Your constant support keeps pushing me to strive for my ED-free life, and your continued encouragement makes me smile when I most feel like I’m going to break down and cry.  Without you, I don’t know what I would do. I know I just wrote this, but I can’t say it enough:

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!

I know for sure that without you guys, I wouldn’t be as far recovered as I am now, and I owe so much of my current health and happiness to you. I don’t know any of you in person, but I feel like we’ve been friends my whole like. I know some of your gorgeous faces from your own blogs, and for those of you who don’t blog, I can only imagine how beautiful you are!

In Hungarian! 🙂

 

I have to include those of you who may read but don’t comment. That on it’s own means the world to me as well. I am so honored that you take precious time out of your day to read my journey. I am truly touched by it.

And I can only say it again,

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

This is going to seem out of place with the rest of this post, but I want to quickly squeeze it in: I have 2 fun things going on tomorrow. First, I am going into the city for a pointe shoe fitting by a professional fitter. The ones I have now are…problematic. My posterior tibial tendons (in both feet but mostly in the left) have been quite painful recently, causing sore arches, and I’m worried about developing tendonitis. I’m hoping that a well-fitting pair of pointe shoes will solve the problem. So I’ll see how that goes tomorrow.

The other is the gala my ballet hosts as a fundraiser each spring, which is tomorrow. It’s a performance followed by 2 reception party thingies. One is for the grown-ups, (parents, teachers, faculty) and one is for us kids. I’ve gone every year for the past 4 years, and this’ll be my 5th (wow, Bryana can do math. *barely*) There is a DJ and a dance floor – ballerina’s club dancing is quite the sight – as well as food and many gift baskets given away in a raffle. In the past 4 years, I’ve only ever won one basket, last year. That’s so depressing, but I just hope tomorrow is my lucky night! I will be out late partaaaaying with my ballerina buddies and won’t get home ’till late. Sunday I will have pictures of my pointe shoe fitting, dress, and reception. I can’t wait to show you!  

No questions tonight. Just leaving it with one last huge “Thank you!”

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. March 11, 2011 10:37 pm

    You’re very welcome! I love reading your posts and the support you have given me is so so amazing. I can’t begin to tell you how greatful I am for finding your blog.
    Have fun at the gala and shoe-fitting! I can’t wait to hear how it goes.

  2. March 11, 2011 11:06 pm

    You are so very welcome. This is exactly what I want to say to all of my readers and blog friends, too. You’re so right – that out of a terrible thing (ED), we get so many wonderful gifts.

    Have fun this weekend – can’t wait to see pictures! 🙂

  3. March 11, 2011 11:08 pm

    That sounds so fun! I hope you enjoy yourself and good luck with the pointe shoe fitting. I know how painful foot pain can be so I hope the new shoes help!

    And really, thank you! You always have the most insightful posts and I really appreciate the comments you leave on my blog, they mean so much to me 😀

  4. March 12, 2011 3:59 am

    of course!!!!!!!! i love reading your blog and supporting you Bryana!! and that is awesome!!!! i wish i were a really good dancer like yourself- have fun at the pointe shoe fitting!! 😀

  5. March 12, 2011 6:00 am

    When I first started reading your blog, I thought you were much, much older than you are because you write so beautifully. You are an inspiration to so many people out there (including me!) and I just want to say THANK YOU for sharing your words with us. I am so glad I found your blog 🙂

    I hope you don’t have tendonitis! Have fun tomorrow!!!

    xxx

    • March 14, 2011 12:10 pm

      Wow, what a compliment! Thank you so much Katy! I never really liked writing (in school at least) but was always pretty good at it. Now that I started blogging, I discovered I love writing. Thank you so much for that. It means a lot.

  6. dmcgirl37 permalink
    March 12, 2011 10:51 am

    Awe you are the sweetest 🙂 Isnt blogging wonderful?! Love it!!!

    Dana xox
    http://www.happinessiswithinblog.com

  7. March 12, 2011 2:30 pm

    Looking forward to hearing about all the fun things going on. And I’m happy I was able to “meet” you through the blog world as well.

  8. March 13, 2011 2:53 pm

    Thank YOU for being so awesome and amazing in every way 🙂 I feel the exact same way about my ED. Yeah, it is hell, but without having gone through it, I wouldn’t appreciate the things I have today the way I can now. I love this quote about that:

    I am STRONG because I know my Weakness. I am BEAUTIFUL because I see my flaws. I am a LOVER because I have felt hate. I am FEARLESS because I have been afraid. I am WISE because I have been foolish. And I can LAUGH because I have known sadness

    Isn’t that great!?!?! I so agree 🙂

    And thank you SO SO much for all that you do, writing this amazing blog, and just being you 🙂

    Scott

    • March 14, 2011 12:11 pm

      Yes Scott, I’ve never heard that quote, but it is AMAZING! Thank you so much for sharing!

  9. March 14, 2011 3:39 pm

    I love reading your blog. Your recovery is inspiring!
    And I appreciate all of your support and encouragement, as well.
    We’re gonna beat this! 🙂
    You’re wonderful Bry
    ❤ Haley

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