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The Gory Details!

February 20, 2011

I want to send a gigantic “Thank You” to everybody who took the time to comment on yesterday’s post. Every single comment I get means so much to me, and you have no idea how much I enjoy reading all of your unique stories. It’s great to hear your opinions, thoughts, encouragement, and questions. To those of you who may read my blog but don’t comment, I thank you too! I so appreciate all your support as well.  I wanted to add that if any of you would like me to post about something specific, or have any suggestions for what you’d like to read, do not hesitate to let me know! I’d love you hear it!

Yesterday, several of you left me comments telling me about your binging history. It’s a relief to know that I wasn’t the only one on the planet doing it, like some freak of nature. I also want to applaud your honesty. I think it is one thing for me to write personal information on my own blog, but for you guys to share your history on another’s blog takes a lot of courage.

Also, I didn’t take any pictures today, so I’m posting pictures of me two years ago, eating normally. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, didn’t think twice about it, and wasn’t fat. My goal is to get back to that.

***The rest of this post could possibly be triggering – I do describe what my binges were like***

I am not big on writing in diaries, but when something major or important happens, I do write it down, just so I can remember it. Among those “important” events were my first time shaving my legs, getting my first period, my first “boyfriend,” and one of my first times purging. I suppose I technically did binge before it, but I don’t really consider it a binge. I was just so starved that my basic instinct took over, and I ate a lot. When I started binging for real, they consisted of me shoveling down whatever food I could grab, as fast I could, usually while standing.

This was in the Paris-Charles de Gaulles airport: a chocolate croissant and a cafe au lait.

 

However, during this “binge” I was eating at a normal speed, and I was sitting down, but once my plate was empty, I kept refilling it. I had barely eaten all day; I was at the point where my physiological force to eat conquered my will power, thoughts, and ability to reason.

That week before I wrote about the purge, I was going to go bathing suit shopping with a friend. I had lost 15 pounds by then, and I had written down a list of food that I could eat, the times I was to eat them, and the total calories it would be for that week in preparation. The food I allowed myself totalled 1,175 calories – not for one day, but for 7. I obviously failed to eat so little, but even so, I don’t think I ate more than 3,300 that whole week. I then wrote this entry 4 days after that shopping trip:

May 26, 2009

Well…I failed at that miserably (starving myself for that week), but now I’m back on track. I barely ate oatmeal. Lunch – nada. Came home, ate 2 sticks celery. Came home from Sonal (math tutor at the time), ate a few walnuts and peanuts, the oatmeal (rest of oatmeal, I should say – from breakfast and lunch) zucchini (5 pieces), eggplant (1 piece), and about 150 cals worth of peanut butter. Then I drank a DD coffee. Later, I ate a small handful of walnuts, 2 handfuls of honey-nut cheerios, and some plantains. Feeling sickly full, I purged it back up. I mean all, including the zucchini, which I ate at about 5. I did this (by “this” I mean purged) at about 8:30. So all, like, really all came up, except for the coffee, which I peed out long ago. So today was an ok day. Tomorrow will be easier.

Reading this again makes me feel gross and angry. I can’t believe how I treated myself back then. I also can’t believe how ill in the head I was already. This was May, and I had only started the “cutting out desserts” thing in March. In 3 months, I got that sick and twisted.

Budapest, Hungary, 2008. I was in the zoo, and was eating palacsinta and drinking apple juice.

 

On my itouch, I have a note saved at 10:44 pm on October 21, 2010. I knew I’d be home alone the next day and hadn’t been able to binge in over a week. I was so excited (Isn’t it awful I was excited to b/p? Gross!), and I couldn’t sleep. I had so many thoughts about all the yummy food I wanted to eat, so I wrote them down. This is exactly what I had written that night about the food I planned to eat for the next day’s binge:

  • cereal/choc syrup/nut butter/jam/raisin/honey (to mix all into cottage cheese)
  • clif bar
  • jif and smuckers pb (both brands of pb, straight out of the jar with a spoon)
  • peanut butter and soynut butter & jelly on waffle (a Van’s frozen waffle)
  • banana pb tortilla (to make a wrap sandwich type thing)
  • donut
  • ice cream

Those were all my favorite binge foods. I almost always stuck with them. If my dad had leftover take-out or something, I’d take bites of it, but he doesn’t order out that often. 

In  Croatia during the summer of 2008. My uncle made a baked spaghetti dish that I topped with a ton of paremsan cheese.

 

I remember two binges where I couldn’t stand afterwards. One was during this past summer. I had danced from 9:30-5 and only eaten a granola bar and 1/2 cup cereal with 6 oz of yogurt. I got home and ate 1 cup cottage cheese, a huge banana, and a slice of bread. Obviously I was still famished, so I ate more bread and cottage cheese, along with some  scallops and a bowl of this Hungarian potato dish my mom made. I then took 3 bites of my dad’s burger (proof I was so starving: I hate beef), and some cherries. I had a few more scallops, then I ate two protein bars and more potatoes. Lastly, I had some candy and more cherries. That may or may not seem like a lot, but my stomach had constricted, since my meals were never more than 1-2 cups in volume. So at the time, I could barely handle it physically.

I don’t know if you are even interested in the other binge, but it involved specifically baking cupcakes, making home-made choco-pb cups, candy, lots of cereal, and a ton of nut butter. When I was done, I could hardly crawl upstairs to puke, my stomach hurt so badly.

Again, Croatia. That’s a plate of wiener schnitzel and fries, along with cucumber salad and a lemonade. I ate it all!

 

Even though it makes me sad to think I did this to myself, it does feel good to reflect on it all. It makes it easier to forgive and forget.

Qs~

Were there specific foods you usually binged on?

What were your favorite foods pre-ED? Do you eat them again now?

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. Lucy permalink
    February 20, 2011 10:07 pm

    I am in the middle of a binge right now and reading this makes me want to stop.

    ( I just ate a bowl of cereal, PB on Ezekiel tortilla, leftover tofu/veggies and pretzels)

    THANK YOU FOR STOPPING ME FROM GOING ANY FURTHER!

    • February 20, 2011 10:17 pm

      Oh Lucy, I’m so sorry you are stuggling with that right now. I am so happy that you found the strength in yourself to stop, and I’m glad I could help. Let me know if you ever want to talk more; I’ll email you.

  2. February 20, 2011 10:50 pm

    Love hearing about the bingeing!
    Cuz I’m just like you and enjoy knowing that I’m not alone in this psycho behavior.
    I do the same thing with the restriction and then the extreme overeating. It makes no sense..
    Anyway, though.. never purged! I always just overexercise, I think..

    Also it’s great that you can see how twisted your thinking was when you were in the height of your ED. It gives us even more motivation to stay away from ED behaviors and triggers!

    From reading my blog I’m sure you can see that I binge on peanut butter.. nut butters or spreads in general.. I usually mix it with yogurt and then dip pretzels in it.
    The other night I had a skinny cow pb&chocolate ice cream cookie sandwich, two cookies (storebought) with icing, a huge Macadamia nut cookie from a restaurant, TONS of peanut butters and then hazelnut butter, with pretzels & caramel rice cakes..
    And when I say TONS, I mean TONS. Like I ate it out of the jar, by the spoonful. I had at LEAST 5-7 servings. 1000-1400 calories of peanut butter.
    It makes me wanna cry.. especially considering how hard I had been working to restrict earlier.. makes it all pointless, huh? I am apparently never in control 😛

    Your post gives me hope that I can recover. Completely recover. I’m looking forward to that day 🙂
    ❤ Haley

  3. February 21, 2011 5:40 am

    I’ve never been a purger (I have a phobia of vomit and the act of vomiting), but I can relate to the binging. I have only ever binged twice in my life and they were horrific events. Once after starving myself for days, there was one day where I just ate and ate and ate. It started because I baked cookies and I pretty much ate all of them. Then I ate a sandwich, then some cheese, then some oatmeal, then some chocolate and it just kept going on and on and on. It’s like I couldn’t stop! It was awful.

    My favorite foods pre-ED were chocolate, fries, pizza, cookies…I’m sure there is more 😛 I do eat all my pre-ED foods now except pizza. But only because I haven’t had the chance to try it again 😛

    Thank you for sharing your story, Bryana! 🙂

    xxx

  4. February 21, 2011 12:23 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this Bryanna.
    I have been caught in the habit of binging before the worst of my eating disorder and during recovery the urge has started again. I never have been able to purge, physically I’m unable to, which is a good thing because I’ve wanted to many times.
    The strange this is, when I was restricting the most I didn’t binge at all, and I ate whatever, as long as it was in miniscule amounts.
    I couldn’t identify fear foods or urges to binge until I began recovery.
    I usually binge on nut butters or chocolate. And any baked goods or dough can send me into an eating frenzy. It’s very frustrating because usually a binge is preceded or followed a period of restriction.
    Its really good that you’ve been able to identify your distorted ED thinking and that you are able to forgive yourself for it.
    Keep going with your postive mindset and hard work. It is so inspiring and I so appreciate you sharing your story.
    ❤ Emma

  5. February 21, 2011 1:37 pm

    Hey.

    I want to echo everyone else that says it takes a lot of courage to write about your binge/purge episodes. I used to binge occasionally as well, but it was hardly ever a real “binge” just enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I would eat 2 cups of fruit salad and call that a binge – crazy huh?

    But the foods i would most commonly binge on were nuts, dried fruit, banana chips and oatmeal cookies. I guess my body just needed the fat so badly I would end up eating these types of foods automatically.

    I guess that’s why introducing these foods back into my diet was so hard, I was afraid of history repeating itself. But after cautiously taking it very slow and incorporating these foods back into my diet, I am now able to eat them without fear that I’ll binge. I still feel uneasy when I get TOO hungry, and I have overeaten on a few occasions when my calorie intake was too low during that day. But this hasn’t happen in a while, so it’s proof that my body is slowly getting back to normal.

  6. Inês permalink
    February 21, 2011 2:34 pm

    You have brains in your head.
    You have feet in your shoes.
    You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
    You’re on your own.
    And you know what you know.
    You are the one who’ll decide where to go!!

    Love your blog!!

    • February 21, 2011 3:10 pm

      Inês, I LOVE that! It’s so great, and completely true. Let me know if you ever want to talk more and I’ll email you! 🙂

  7. Inês permalink
    February 21, 2011 3:38 pm

    YEEYYY! I would love to 🙂

  8. February 21, 2011 4:33 pm

    you are so strong ❤

  9. February 21, 2011 6:20 pm

    You inspire me so MUCH, Bryana, I just want you to know that. I really appreciate your honesty as well as your comments on my blog!

    I’ve been a picky eater my whole life, but when I was younger, I loved candy! Basically any kind, chocolate, gummy worms, jelly beans, etc. I didn’t know or care at all about the calories or sugar. I don’t think I’ve had a piece of candy in at least a year, besides some Jelly Bellies around Christmas, cause it’s a tradition 😉

    Now I still have so many fear foods that I will never touch, and it’s sad because a lot of them really aren’t unhealthy or anything but I just can’t eat them. Just once, I’d like to say I had a frappuccino from Starbucks that actually had whipped cream, or French fries that werent oven-baked.

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