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Meh…

February 18, 2011

Sorry guys, my brain just didn’t want to come up with a cheesy title tonight.

Yesterday at my check-up/weigh-in, my weight was up. I gained just over 5 pounds in 3 weeks. This is good. One month ago today I started getting serious about weight gain. Last visit (3 weeks ago) I’d gained 4.6 lbs. So in exactly one month, I have gained 10.2 of the 15 pounds I needed. Sorry to be gross, but I’m hoping to see some blood on my underwear in about 3 weeks.

This is the kind of scale I want! 🙂

So the rest of this post is going to be me whining about life. Seeing as it is my blog, I’ll complain here if I want to, but I just want to give you a heads-up. I totally understand if you want to skip reading the rest.

I was supposed to go out to eat with my parents tonight. The University where my dad works does these dinners for the students every other Friday called Gourmet Night. So it’s not the standard buffet-style dining hall food; there are waiters and the meals are so fancy. There are only 3 entrée options, which means there might not be something I’d like, but seriously, I can’t complain because the whole dinner is beautiful. Anyway, two days ago my dad asked if I wanted to go, and yesterday morning I said yes. That made him so happy, because for ED reasons I haven’t gone in 2 years. In fact, he even told the psychiatrist yesterday that he was so proud of me for finally being able to go.

But later that evening, I took another look at the menu and realized there would be nothing I would eat. There is always a meat, fish, and vegetarian entrée choice. I don’t really like meat, and today’s fish was salmon. I don’t feel ok to eat oily fish yet, so I knew I wouldn’t order that. The vegetarian option was some veggie enchilada with manchego cheese. ED hates cheese, and when I first told my dad I’d go, it was because when I scanned the menu, I hadn’t noticed the word “cheese”. When I took a second look last night and saw it, I got a little scared.  Saying I’d go made my dad so happy, and I really didn’t want to disappoint him by changing my mind. I feel like all I ever do is disappoint my parents, because they had such high hopes for me, and I am ruining my life.

I mean, I really am one of the luckiest people I know. I was born so healthy – and with a full head of thick, brown hair to boot. I have never broken or sprained anything. I’ve never been in an accident or been injured in any other way. I was never abused, either physically, sexually, or emotionally. My parents had money to buy me the nicest clothes and the funnest toys. We could always afford to travel and see the world. I have such straight teeth that I never needed braces, and they were always brilliantly white. I have the kind of hair that gets people’s attention. I had an amazing body with a gorgeous shape and curves. I had a beautiful spirit full of curiosity, wonder, and joy.  

Now, my teeth are still straight, but they are glassy and stained from the acid wash I used to drench them in (more on purging later). We don’t travel because I can’t handle food away from home. My hair is thinner…limper. Bones replaced curves, and now I’m neither very boney nor very curvy. At the worst of my ED, if I wasn’t sad, I was neutral, but never happy. Nothing made me curious or joyous. All my thoughts were unhappy…or I’d drift through my day not thinking at all. I had everything going for me in life: looks, intelligence, money, personality, talent. And now, 2 years have gone by, and I did nothing but suffer through it all. And for what? That’s just it. For abso – fuckin’ – lutely NOTHING!

Right at this minute, I’m sitting at my computer bitching about my life, while my parents are out eating really delicious food and (hopefully) enjoying themselves. I feel so angry and lonely and lost right now. It is like I fail at every single thing life has to offer. This is crap! People are supposed to live like they’ll die tomorrow, yet I live like I’m already dead. And that’s not right. That needs to change, but I’m not sure how to…or if I even can.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. Lucy permalink
    February 18, 2011 6:31 pm

    You are strong and working toward recovery and that DOES matter. Don’t let one little mix-up tear you down. I think you are amazing.

  2. February 18, 2011 9:49 pm

    I love that scale 🙂 It would definitely make weighing in more fun!

    That’s great that you’re so close to your goal weight and you’re happy about it. It’s so inspiring to me and hopefully I can accept any weight gain as gladly as you do!

    I feel the same about being lucky and then screwing it all up. I have such a great family, and I had an already very-petite body to begin with, all these opportunities and then I totally effed it up. I wonder what my life would be life if ED was never part of it, but then I realize that while my life now is probably different, I’m thankful that I got a second chance at life.

    Don’t let this destroy the spirit I know you still have inside you. Let tomorrow be a brand new day when you can reinvent yourself and kick ED’s ass!

    • February 18, 2011 11:16 pm

      Thanks Ash!
      Wouldn’t it be great if scales only showed compliments, rather than a silly number? That way, people could only define themselves by those nice words, rather than a worthless number. Anyway, thank you so much for your comments. You are always so sweet and supportive!!!

  3. February 18, 2011 9:59 pm

    I totally understand how frustrated you must feel. I look back and realize how blessed I was and still am. But because of my eating disorder I nearly squandered it away, all in the pursuit of a lower number on a fucking scale.
    But you have been working so hard. The fact that you are nearing your goal weight and have been challenging your eating disorder shows such strength. Don’t let one setback get you down!
    You are still a beautiful, vibrant person. Don’t tell yourself otherwise.
    The road to recovery is not a linear process, there will be set backs.
    But keeping fighting, and things will get better, you’re amazing girl(:

  4. February 19, 2011 3:40 am

    dont get down on your self Bryana… trust me there is such a wonderful, bright and happy side to life.. i cant wait till you experience it because you WILL.. and you will LOVE it! so hang in there girlie!

  5. February 19, 2011 11:36 am

    Bryana,

    I have just read through your last three posts. I know you’re feeling down right now, but maybe it would help to read through your last couple of posts again and see your amazing accomplishments. You ate those strawberries, you cooked a new oat recipe, you gained more towards your goal maintenance weight, you complimented yourself (and yes, your hair is gorgeous!), you’re in touch with your dream to dance again…you have come SO far.

    Eating out is hard and expecting that you won’t feel any anxiety towards it at all might be a bit too high of an expectation. That’s not to say you’re not capable of it, because you ARE. But it might be wise to just give yourself time. You’ve done some scary things this week, some AMAZING things this week. Don’t beat yourself up over struggling a little bit…congratulate yourself for how far you’ve come.

    I am SO proud of you, girl. You’re a fighter and you can do this. You’re doing it every single day : )

    xxx
    Sarah

  6. February 19, 2011 2:50 pm

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. you had the best of intentions in attempting to go, and yeah it would have been great, but recovery isn’t simple, and it isn’t perfect. There are going to be some slips and disappointments like this. But the important thing is this: You KNOW ED took this away from you and you are pissed. YOU have the power to change that, you can win this battle. And you are on your way there right now 🙂

    Stay strong and have a great weekend!

    Scott

  7. February 19, 2011 3:36 pm

    Umm I would definitely LOVE to see what the scale reads when I step on that one! 🙂

    I think that you’re doing awesome. I know that sometimes we have our slips. Like yea, maybe you should have gone with your parents to this event. Sometimes we have to put ourselves in these ‘uncomfortable’ situations. But at the same time, you’re making progress and you cannot deny how far you’ve come! Be proud of yourself 🙂
    You ARE defeating ED. And you’re going to look back on this a year from NOW, and be amazed at your increasing health and happiness 🙂
    ❤ Haley

  8. February 19, 2011 3:38 pm

    Just wanted to let you know that your determination to recover and your attitude toward weight gain are really amazing. You may not feel positive 100% of the time, but don’t be too hard on yourself either. You are on the right path and you will reach your goals and aspirations if you don’t give up.

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