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Well That’s Embarrassing

February 11, 2011

Yesterday afternoon, my mom and I were planning to go to Trader Joe’s when she got home from work. She got home and went to sit in the family room to open mail. My dad was in there too, on his laptop. As I came downstairs, he called me over, saying he wanted to show me something. I knelt down next to him to look, but he told me he couldn’t find it and he’d call me back later. I started to stand up, but then something on the screen caught my eye. At the bottom in the taskbar, I saw it: “One Fried Dough Stron…”

Oh. My. Gosh. I completely froze for a few seconds, and then tried to close it out. Before I could, he asked me what was wrong and snatched the laptop back from me. I almost had another panick attack. See, neither of my parents knew about this blog, and I was going to tell them very soon, as well as ask them to never look for it or read it should they stumble upon it. Well, so much for that, since my dad had read that entire post and all of your comments. That was embarrassing, but thankfully, he hadn’t read any more than that. Phew!

But still, I was mortified. This blog is for my own benefit, so that I can organize all the craziness going on in my head about recovery. I didn’t start it for them to creep on my thoughts or babysit my progress. I had the feeling that he was never planning to tell me he had found it. I also thought he had grabbed the laptop back from me just because he didn’t want me to know he knew. In fact, I asked him if that was true, and he said yes, that he didn’t want me to see it right then, because he was wasn’t sure how I would react. I told him to never read any of this again, and he said he wouldn’t. Needless to say, I was very angry as we left for Trader Joe’s.

My dad just left my room a few minutes ago; he had just finished talking to me about this. He said he was very sorry he’d upset me. He repeated that he swore he’d never read this blog again. I’ll admit, last night I didn’t believe him one bit, but after that talk, I do. My dad and I don’t get along well at all. Unfortunately I am a perfect replica of him; we are both equally stubborn and hot-headed, with loud voices and a short fuse. It’s like we are two north poles of magnets, exactly the same and always repelling each other. Because of all of that, our relationship is sort of rocky.

Anyway, that conversation was incredibly awkward. He started by saying, “Now really, there were just two things I wanted to tell you. First, I am so impressed by how well you write.” *Uncomfortable, blank stare from me* “Second, you cannot even imagine how pleased I am to see you doing this. It is wonderful that you are working towards getting better, aside from all the doctors you go to. It’s like you’re doing this for yourself, to help you.” 

As he was on his way out, I asked what exactly he had read. He told me it was just the one post and all the comments. “I’ll be honest Bryana,” he said, “I wanted to know what kind of support you were getting.”

“Incredible support, actually,” I thought to myself, but I just said, “K, bye daddy.”

I’m not angry about it anymore. That post wasn’t anything major, and as long as he doesn’t read anything else, it’s not a big deal. So now, how ’bout I show you my loot from Trader Joe’s?

It’s not a lot, but it’s all so good!

 

The breakdown:

That is my favorite salad dressing EVER! I haven’t worked up to oil in dressings yet. I wouldn’t guess it is fat-free though; it’s that good. As for the mac & cheese, it is reduced fat, but not really low-fat. It’s got 6g fat, along with 15g protein! My mom had one for dinner last night and said it was delicious, so I can’t wait to try it.

 

It really bothers me that they are called “reduced guilt” rather than “reduced calorie.” It is implying that we should feel guilty for eating certain foods, rather than treating it all as just food. I feel like it is exactly this kind of thing that plays into our general obsession with food and thinness. No food should make anyone ever feel guilty.

  

Stuff my mommy got for herself. 🙂 Spinach lasagna, fusilli with veggies and pesto, and Morning Star fakin’ bacon.

  

Yummy dried fruit bars. They’re like fruit leather, if you’ve ever had those. My sweet tooth was happy when I saw the mini chocolate bars. They are the perfect size to satisfy chocolate cravings.

 

Croissants!!!! I used to love them. We got goat cheese pinwheels (love goat cheese), plain, and of course, chocolate. I reeeeelly want a chocolate one today, but you have to let them rise for 9 hours, and time is running out to decide if I’ll have one. I know I should, but the ED objections are starting up.

 

The nutrition stats are definitely my reason for concern.

Sorry it’s a tad fuzzy. But check out those numbers. 18 grams of fat, 11 sat fat, and 320 calories!!! Though, to be fair, I am really impressed with the 2g of fiber and 5g of protein.

The ingredients list isn’t too shabby. It’s pretty simple, and all natural. But, the 2nd ingredient is butter. AAAAH!

 

So…I want one, and ED doesn’t. This situations feels really familiar for some reason. 🙂 I know it’s usually best to do whatever ED doesn’t want, and I try, but it is very hard.

Qs~

I think I know that answer, but what do I do about the croissant?

Do you like croissants?

 

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. February 11, 2011 1:00 pm

    Hey.

    My dad and I seem to have the same relationship that you have with your dad. We’re so alike in so many ways, yet because we’re such strong characters we clash constantly.

    Oooh your all your shopping “loot” looks so good. Too bad healthy living is not really a main focus in this part of the world. You can still eat healthy, but it has to be a much more of a “do it yourself” type thing.

    And about those croissants . I’d say definitely defy your ED and eat at least some. If it too intimidating to have it all in one sitting, have half at one time and leave the other half for later. That’s what I had to do when I first started eating avocados, because eating a whole one in one sitting was beyond terrifying. It’s how a conquered most of my fear foods for that matter (not to say that I don’t still have a list to work on :P) . But I know you’ll be able to do this.

    Hugs!

  2. February 11, 2011 1:48 pm

    croissants rock my friend!! I have to have them veganized para mi, but they are so delicious! you should enjoy it- you deserve it and like you said.. no guilt should be put on food! so enjoy that croissant!!!

  3. February 11, 2011 2:44 pm

    I’m glad the thing with your dad worked out okay. I’m actually really scared that my parents will find my blog too–but I am legally an adult and all the comments I get are so supportive that I feel like having a recovery blog is really helpful.
    I’ve heard so much good stuff about Trader Joes but sadly, we don’t have shy 😦 Whole Foods is really really good too! I could spend so much money there 😉
    I’ve never had a croissant actually! But I think you should definitely eat one because you totally kicked ED’s butt eating the donut–you can do it, Bryana!

  4. February 11, 2011 5:48 pm

    I’ve had those chocolate croissants! It WAS scary, but they are delicious and totally worth it! You can do it – enjoy them! 🙂

    I feel your pain about your dad. No one in “real life” knows about my blog and I don’t really want them to know yet. Mainly because I don’t think my family realizes that I STILL struggle with my ED from time to time even though I’m “recovered”.

    Anyway, I hope you have a good weekend!

  5. Sarah permalink
    February 11, 2011 9:46 pm

    Bryana,
    I can so relate to the rocky relationship with your Dad. I have a very rocky one with my Dad too, I’m not even exactly sure of the reason for it. Just a lot of bad history I suppose. Anyways, I think it’s great you were honest and told him how much it bothered you that he read your blog. I hope he does respect your privacy because I think having this free space for self expression without having to worry about being judged in our “real lives” is soooo important.
    I understand how difficult the croussant is…but I think you know what to do! Show ed who’s boss girl, you CAN do it! : )
    xxx
    Sarah

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