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Passion

February 7, 2011

Before my eating disorder, I had such a drive for life. Everything excited me, and I was always one to feel those happy emotions very strongly. If I was anticipating something, it would be all I thought about, talked about, and dreamt about. When ED came along, he stole my passion for life right from me. If something thrilling  happened, I’d be happy, but the true excitement and  joy were gone. It was like the fire in me had gone out.

I really think that ED is shriveling into nothing and losing his power over me. I feel stronger as each day passes, and for the first time in one year, I feel passionate about my life. I used to spend my days downing in ED. Most of my time was spent either thinking about food, measuring food, buying food, cooking food, or eating it. During the other 1% of my life, I did school work, danced, and slept. No time for friends, boys, parents, or even myself. I only had time for ED.

This brekkie was berry good: rolled oats, banana, peanut butter, cherries, and strawberries. I know, I’m corny. 

 

That has now changed. A couple of days ago, I was trying to balance watching Family Guy,  finishing my post, and reading all of your beautiful bloggies. I was getting really involved, and completely forgot about the time. Before I knew it, it was past the time for my snack, which I usually prepare much earlier in the evening.

I actually forgot about eating. For way too long, food has been the major focus of my day. But that night, I actually forgot about ED. I guess it’s ironic that at the same time I was writing an ED recovery blog, I was also forgetting about my ED. I did enjoy my snack, but the whole time I was eating I wished I could eat faster just so I could get on with my life.

Oatmeal with her two best friends Leche and Joe! 🙂

This is huge. For 23 months, ED was my only obsession; ED was my life. And now? Now I have a life, and unfortunately ED just happens to be in it. I finally have a passion to do other things, things that are not food, body, or ED related.

There was a time when I couldn’t go over to a friend’s house, to the movies, shopping, to see a play, or anything else that was fun, simply because it didn’t fit into my eating schedule. My meal times ruled my life. Anything else I did during the day had to fit around my food. Yesterday’s threading appointment was right about the time I usually eat dinner. A month ago, I would have thrown a tantrum or had a panick attack. Yesterday, I just split my dinner in two. I ate before and after, and it wasn’t a big deal.

This was my first pasty (love the heart!!!) in London during August 2009. It was at the very beginning of my eating disorder, but even here I could eat food prepared by others. I want to get back to that, to traveling the world and tasting everything!

 

I feel amazing now that I’ve come to this realization: my life does not revolve around ED. If life conflicts with mealtimes, that’s ok. Eating earlier or later than usual, or on a whim is allowed. Life will no longer have to fit into my meal plan. My meal plan will have to fit into life!

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. February 8, 2011 3:03 am

    OMG is that a cornish pasty!? I love those 😀

    You are so right, though. When I think back to my life before ED I actually can’t even remember whether I ate breakfast or not because food simply wasn’t the centre of my life. It wasn’t until I got sick that food became my focus in life. Sometimes I wish that I could go for a whole hour without thinking about food but I know that time will come eventually for me and for you. We just have to push through. I know it happens because it happened to me when I tried to recover on my own a couple of years ago. But because I hadn’t attacked the main issues that led me to the disorder, I relapsed when life got too hard.

    It’s funny how in the past, we used to live life and food would fit into it. Now, we live for food and life has to fit around that. It’s not the best way to live but it’s so much better than not living life at all!

    Your oatmeal looks absolutely delicious!!!!

    xxx

  2. February 8, 2011 11:12 am

    This is awesome….ED numbs us out…I always have compared recopvery to thawing….thing is now that we are “melting” in a way a lot of stuff will come up like *gasp* feelings! I start feeling sad or mad and I’m like “wow” haven’t felt that in a while!

  3. February 8, 2011 1:45 pm

    ” If life conflicts with mealtimes, that’s ok. Eating earlier or later than usual, or on a whim is allowed. Life will no longer have to fit into my meal plan. My meal plan will have to fit into life!”

    I can totally relate to this. I used to FREAK out if my meal times were so much as 10 minutes earlier or later. I would plan my day around where and what I would eat. All I can say it – I’m so happy to be free of that preassure.

    Sometimes it’s still a struggle though, fitting in meals and snacks when I’m running around and busy, but that’s what normal people do to, right. And I need to fuel in order to keep running around and doing all these things. So it’s worth it in the end.

    I want cherries and strawberries :P!!!!

  4. February 8, 2011 2:36 pm

    Yum, I love berries!
    I totally understand where you’re coming from with the meal time planning. I’ve also realized that I can’t always choose when I’ll eat and I have to make my food schedule work around my life schedule. It’s hard to get used to but I’m sure it’ll feel normal soon.

  5. February 8, 2011 6:13 pm

    My life has revolved around meal times for the last 5 years. This rigidity is such a waste but also very difficult to break free from. My nutritionist has told me a couple times that we need to make sure my meal plan doesn’t become a part of my eating disorder. Just because we’re following the plan and eating correct amounts doesn’t mean that we’re flexible with food, you know?? I love how you are noticing and wanting to change this! You can do iiiit!
    You’re amazing, Bryana!
    xxx

  6. February 8, 2011 8:32 pm

    It’s great that your life no longer revolves around your eating disorder. It is ironic that a disease that insists on starvation “consumes” your whole life. Recovery is about taking it back, one bite at a time.
    Yes, I love conry play-on-words too.
    Keep going with the positive attitude girl(:

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