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Body Lovin’ Time

February 5, 2011

Dear Body,

I know you are enjoying all this nourishment I’ve been feeding you, and I understand that your metabolism has drastically sped up. But please, don’t give me zero hunger cues on days when I dance for 4 hours. Those are the days I burn the most calories and need the most food. Those also happen to be the days when eating is the hardest. So just do me a favor and don’t shut down when I’m counting on you the most. Thanks.


Yesterday I was a bottomless pit. Today I had zero appetite. Bizarre, huh? I’m sure you can imagine how annoying it is. When I dance, I burn more calories, so I need to eat to replace them. Yet it is super difficult for me to eat when I’m not hungry.  But if I don’t eat after dancing, I’ll probably lose weight, and that would not be good.

I think it has to do with me always being mentally full at dance, even if my body is physically hungry. If I am stressed out about anything, I generally lose my appetite. If I am angry or sad, I don’t get hungry. Eating when I’m anxious? Forget about it! I’m still not used to looking at my new body in the mirror, and the waist elastic on my tights constantly brings my thoughts to my stomach. That, combined with being surrounded by other people wearing leotards and tights (which I’m sad to say makes me compare myself a little), causes me to be mentally stuffed with really strong negative feelings.

That mental fullness then translates to physical fullness. My mind is telling me that dealing with that crap is the priority; food can come when I’m more relaxed. From now on, I am going to make a huge effort to do just that. I need to allow myself to relax at ballet and not focus on my body, or anyone elses for that matter. When I dance, food is the priority, not the bloat of my stomach.

I am trying very hard to come to terms with my what body is meant to be, and that I can never change it – I’ve been trying for too long, so I’m pretty sure it just ain’t gonna happen. 😛 I hope that the more I say I love my body, the more I will start believing it. I adore my legs. They are my favorite body part, and even in the deepest of my ED and self-hatred, I wouldn’t have changed them in for the world. Unfortunately, my hatred of my stomach is what I currently choose to focus on. I know one day I will wake up and truly see that not just my legs, but all of me is beautiful.

So now I think it is time for a little body lovin’. In all of these pictures, I love the way I look (Except for the lighting. I look yellow. :-(), and I love my body.

I love my new skirt from Marshalls. That store has the best deals.


Ruffles on the front…


…Ruffles on the back!


I look so yellow in this lighting. It makes me cringe.





Lovin’ my legs!



What body part do you absolutely LOVE?

Obviously mine are my legs, my calves in particular. I wouldn’t trade ’em in for anything!

Edited to add: The amazing Katy wrote a great post about the transformation of her teeth. It reminded me how much I love my teeth as well, and am extremely lucky that they are naturally this straight.  

6 Comments leave one →
  1. February 6, 2011 3:15 am

    You are so beautiful, Bryana! You definitely have dancers legs! You look so strong 🙂

    I’m like you. I’m not one to eat when I’m stressed out or feeling emotional. It’s like my throat closes up so if I wanted to eat, I physically wouldn’t be able to. It’s weird. I’m not a fan of my stomach either but I’ve accepted it. It’s not like I have to show it to anyone 😉

    My favorite body part is either my booty, my arms or eyes. I guess it’s good that I have more than one part of my body that I love, eh?

    I can never decide whether I prefer days when I’m a bottomless pit or days when I’m not hungry. I love food but eating more than I’m used to makes me anxious and not feeling hungry enough to eat as much as I’m used to makes me sad. I guess it’s something we have to get used to – listening to our bodies and such 😛


    • February 6, 2011 8:06 am

      Yup Katy, it is great that you couldn’t pick just one. I think the more of your physical self you love, the better.
      Thank you so much for the compliment. Your comments are always so sweet and always make me smile! 🙂

  2. February 6, 2011 3:56 pm

    You do have really nice legs … (envy, envy).

    I love my eyes. They’re the one physical thing most people comment on and I think they are a cool color 😛

    I can totally relate to both of you on the “bottomless pit vs not having an appetite at all” issue. Eating when you’re not hungry is no fun, and not being able to get full is no fun either. I guess after a while you find a balance in both of those things and then it’s not so complicated.

    And Bryana you are beautiful. Don’t ever let you ED tell you otherwise, ok?

  3. February 6, 2011 7:32 pm

    Bryana, thank you so much for being the first person to comment on by blog! I did such a ridiculous happy dance and I still have a smile on my face.
    I can relate with feeling so hungry one day, and then having zero appetite the next, it is so annoying. And makes eating harder then it already is.
    Also, you are so gorgeous(: I admire your braveness in admitting that you love your legs, as you should! I still have trouble admitting the features I like about my body, but I think I’ll ge there soon.
    Stay strong and beautiful(:

    • February 6, 2011 7:42 pm

      Hey Emma, you’re welcome. I know your my age, and I admit that encouraged me. I also know that when I started my blog (yeah, a whole 23 days ago… :-)) all I wanted was for someone to leave me a comment so that I knew they knew about me. I know how important it is, and how good it makes you feel. My first comment was from Katy (Hi Katy, you’re amazing!!!!!), and when I got it, I did a little happy dance of my own. But, aside from that, I really do like your bloggie!

  4. April 17, 2011 11:27 pm

    I always loved this post 🙂

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