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Oh No! Not Her Too?

February 4, 2011

Warning! I use numbers of body weights (both past and current). I do not think it should be very triggering, but if you are sensitive to numbers, please don’t read ahead.

I met with a friend today at Dunkin Donuts. I was not too excited to go, but I did anyway. 2 years ago, she was my best friend, but as my anorexia began and I started isolating from everyone, I think she took it personally that I no longer talked to her. This friend, let’s call her D, has done things in the past that really upset me. She has blatantly lied to her parents about who she’s dating. She’s gone as far as to sneak out of her basement window in the middle of the night to meet with him. Her boyfriend is a really good friend of mine, and I love him dearly, so I am not worried about him. I just hate that she continuously lies to her parents, disregards their rules, and would be reckless enough to wander our town (though it’s not a very dangerous one) at night. Maybe the worst of it all is that she doesn’t see it as a big deal; I have the feeling she thinks it’s alright to sneak around and lie like that. I know I wouldn’t make those choices for myself, but I don’t have to accept that she does for us to be friends. It is just really difficult to look into this otherwise innocent face and remember how deceitful she can be.

We sat in the DD for 1 1/2 hours and just talked. Toward the end, D said she really wanted a donut but didn’t want to get one because she thought she would feel guilty. She went on to say that she was starting track again, and was hungry when she got home from today’s practice. She had wanted to eat some corn but didn’t because she had eaten just before track. I was shocked, because in the 4 years I’ve known her, D has always eaten whatever she wanted, and has a very small, yet curvy frame. Her BMI is naturally “underweight”

Dinner was Asian style savory oatmeal. I added broccoli and purple onion, garlic, cayenne pepper, and ponzu sauce. I topped it off with a fried egg white cut in strips. Still not a fan of the yolk.

 

I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. SERIOUSLY? Why can’t teens just enjoy life without the pressure to diet and lose weight? Hearing her tell me this made my heart break. She knows about my ED, but I don’t get the feeling she actually comprehends what anorexia is, or how dangerous it can be. I told her to eat the donut. I proceeded to tell her that I have not menstruated in 2 years, have had a little bone loss, lost 24% of my body weight, almost passed out just walking up the stairs in school last year, and live in hell each day. I think it shook her up, but not quite enough.

I remember in 8th grade (at 117 pounds) when ED started, I was always curious as to why she weighed 100 pounds but was an inch taller than me. I don’t think it was very triggering, but I was confused as to why I didn’t look bigger when I weighed so much more. I now know that her frame is smaller than mine, and my genetics determined that I need to weigh more than her. I was also far more active, which meant that I had so many more pounds of dense, heavy muscle than she did.  Right now, at 5’4, she is 105 pounds, yet she is so healthy. She menstruates, has breasts and a butt, and seems to radiate wellness. I am 1 inch shorter and 5 pounds lighter with no period, no breasts, and a butt that is just starting to come back. Even at 105 pounds I looked so ill, while she looks perfect.

Second course of dinner. I topped my chobani off with 1/2 a pear and raisins.

 

It just goes to show that you should never EVER compare yourself to others. The 100 pounds that worked for her in 8th grade were almost killing me. And, to tell you the truth, I think she would look too big if she weighed 117 pounds. Her body was not born to be that heavy, and mine is not functioning being this light. We are all different. She is 15 pounds lighter than me naturally. At our healthy weights, I am not fat and she is not skinny. We are both beautiful.

Changing the subject, in my little “no measuring” experiment, I succeeded and cheated at the same time. Is that even possible? My goal was to not measure just one ingredient of one meal today. I succeeded: the purple onion in my savory Asian oatmeal went unweighed. I also cheated because, come on, it’s onion, for goodness sake! Even if I wanted, I probably could have only made it 5 or 6 more calories than usual.  It was harder to actually stir it to my oats than it was to eat it once it was mixed in.  Oh well. I did it. I’m a tad disappointed, but I’m not discouraged. I’ll just try again tomorrow with something that has more calories. 🙂

 

If you have a minute, the wonderful Dana is hosting a giveaway for some yummy Valentines Day cookies. Go check it out!

Qs-

If anyone has ever told you they would like to lose weight when they obviously don’t need to, how have you handled it?

What’s your favorite way to eat greek yogurt?

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. February 4, 2011 11:47 pm

    I know exactly where you’re coming from with the weight comparison thing. I know that I have a naturally small frame too so my healthy weight is definitely lower than someone who has a more muscular build. And muscle is nothing to be ashamed of! I wish I were more muscular 😉 but I actually have more muscle than people might think. Anyways, I love Greek yogurt a lot too and I usually have mine with berries or Bear Naked Fit granola…so good!

    • February 5, 2011 12:15 am

      Oooh, I love bear naked! My favorite is the protein one. At first, it had a gross aftertaste to me, but by about the 3rd time I ate some, it didn’t taste bad anymore. 🙂

  2. February 5, 2011 4:56 am

    Your savory oats look yummy!

    It can be so upsetting when a friend, no matter how carefree they are, tries to lose weight because they can’t see how beautiful they are. I have a friend like this. Although she is categorically overweight, she is beating herself up to lose it fast. I’ve talked to her about what happened to me and everything my body has gone through and I’m keeping my eye on her to make sure that she doesn’t take it too far.

    Well done for making the first step towards your goal of not measuring your food. I don’t think it’s pitiful what you did. You started off with something that you found safe not to way which is something that I would have done too. You start with “safe” things and work your way up. It’s a work in progress but it is definitely a start!!

    xxx

  3. February 5, 2011 1:32 pm

    Don’t minimize your progress. Sure, it may have been a small steps, but small steps are the beginning of big ones, right?

    Ugh, for some reason when I was at my sickest and I was almost emaciated people would ask me for diet tips and advice. It bugged me because pretty much all these people didn’t need to lose weight. I wanted to shake them and ask them “do you want to look like me?”, because I looked seriously sick at the time. It’s hard to not let comments like that affect you, but at least you know better.

  4. Sarah permalink
    February 5, 2011 9:44 pm

    It’s so triggering for me when I have a friend who is dieting. Especially if my brain has decided that they are one of the people who I want to look like! It’s sad really, just goes to show how many people who truly are beautiful are unhappy with their appearances. : /

    xxx
    Sarah

    P.S. Check your e-mail, lovely! : )

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