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Welcome Back Hungry, I Missed You!!!

January 31, 2011

What the f**k is going on here? Yesterday, I had zero appetite throughout the day. I woke up feeling huge, and every meal from breakfast on was a struggle to swallow. I didn’t feel a single hunger cue until about 10 at night. After talking a bit with this beautiful lady, her support and candid reminder of why I need to eat really encouraged me to do so.

But this morning, none of that was necessary as I woke up with a loudly growling tummy. I couldn’t cook my oatmeal fast enough. And a mere 3 hours later, I was starving again. Lunch was not less than usual, but about another 3 hours later I was hungry. This is complete insanity. Yesterday, I was on the brink of an emotional breakdown, fed up with food, my body, and gaining. Today, I felt great. I was hungry and ate properly. All of the anxiety and hesitancy to eat is gone again. What. The. F**ck.

Throughout my entire ED, eating when I wasn’t hungry was practically like breaking a law to me. I stood firmly by the idea that I was only allowed to eat when I was hungry. Scratch that. Not hungry. Ravenous. If I ate when I was just starting to get hungry, I would feel guilty. On the rare occasions where I ate when I wasn’t hungry at all, I would be so angry at myself and ashamed beyond belief. I know that sort of thinking came a lot into play yesterday. I still have much of that mentality: when I eat, I need to be hungry for it. Otherwise, I am doing something wrong, shameful, or just plain bad. Now, eating without hunger is harder because I know eating is not optional.

At the start of my ED, every day I had the choice: eat this, or don’t eat it. When I was at my lowest weight, it was still a choice. When I relapsed, I again allowed it to become an option. No one was going to stuff food down my throat if I decided not to eat. So I could freely not eat as much as I wanted. Up until recently, I have permitted myself to make not eating an option, but not anymore. I have come to realize that eating or not eating are no longer my two choices. I can choose to have peanut butter or almond butter. I can choose to eat an apple or a pear. I can choose to have yogurt or cottage cheese, and choose to mix in cheerios or kashi go lean cereal. But I cannot choose to not eat. Simply because I have made not eating not an option. That way, I can’t pick it.

I had a talk with my mom about the feelings I’ve been having these past two days. I explained that I was feeling overwhelmed at how much food I needed to be eating, especially with dance. I told her that I thought it was unfair to expect 2 lbs of weight gain a week, and that one pound a week would only take about 1 month longer. She seemed to think it was reasonable to gain at 1 lb per week, as long as it’s not less. Hearing that from her came as a surprise, but also a relief, like the pressure to recover overnight was lifted off of me. I know I don’t plan to restrict, so being told it can be one pound instead of two makes recovery feel a little easier.

And let me say, I have been eating today, willingly and happily. Breakfast was the usual oatmeal. I broke out of the Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal rut but fell right into another oatmeal one. For now I don’t mind; it’s something I enjoy and look forward to eating. Lunch was a yogurt mess and some additional fruit. The star of that meal was without a doubt the honeydew. We got it on Thursday (I think) and I finished the last of it today. Looking at it and smelling it, you would never guess how sweet, ripe, and downright flavorful it was. It was absolutely delicious!

Yesterday, I could have used a good laugh. I think this would have done it. This is a classic prank by Ellen DeGeneres. Now she is a woman bursting at the seams with self-confidence. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman more comfortable in her body than she is. We should all take a page chapter from her book. And she’s hilarious too. I don’t love it, but my honey do. Just watch. You’ll laugh. I promise.

I have so much love and respect for that woman. And she never fails to make me crack up hysterically. To laugh some more at the funny Starbucks pranks, just type in ” Ellen Degeneres Starbucks Pranks” on youtube. There are several videos. It’s true what they say: laughter is the best medicine.

Q’s

~Do you like Ellen?

~And do you like honeydew melon?

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 31, 2011 11:20 pm

    AHAHA that video is hilarious! I love Ellen , too. I don’t think I’ve ever had honeydew before 😛

    I’m so glad you are feeling much better today. It’s crazy how one day you can be feeling so incredibly big and uncomfortable in your skin with absolutely no appetite and then the next day you feel relatively alright and there is not enough food to fill your stomach! It’s awesome when you start to notice hunger like that because you realise that it all balances out in the end. Some days you are more hungry than others so some days you may eat more than on others but that’s ok because it all evens out. However, you can’t really start listening to your hunger until you are weight restored which is something to look forward to 🙂

    I WANT A MONKEY!! (haha thank you for posting that vid!)

    xxx

  2. February 1, 2011 4:48 am

    I’m so happy that your hunger cues came back. It’s really had (for me at least) to eat when I don’t have an appetite. Then eating becomes a real chore, something I have to force myself to do. It happens from time to time (yesterday for instance), and I really didn’t enjoy the experience. Today things are back to normal with my appetite as well, and I’m relived.

    I’m also glad you were able to have that conversation with your mom, and she seemed to understand you and where you’re coming from. Slow progress is fine, as long as it’s steady (that’s the way I see my recovery anyways). Sometimes if you try to do everything at once you end up slipping back because it’s too much for you.

    PS: I love honeydew melon 😛

  3. February 2, 2011 11:56 am

    That video was so funny, I love ellen!(: My mom watches her show every morning.

    I felt the same way about hunger a while ago, but its just another stupid Ed rule that you have to break. He soo does not know best at all! At first eating when you’re not hungry feels sooo wrong (like weight gain) but then it starts to feel a little better. Whenever I’m stressed out about weight gain or eating, I try to distract myself or do something fun. Like playing with my dog or doing pilates(: Then I usually forget all about it and feel so much better.

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