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Today Was Shit

January 30, 2011

Yup, simple as that. I felt fat all day, ate more than I ED wanted, and was stuck in a skin-tight leotard for hours. The leotard is bad, because seeing my body in one is as close and accurate as seeing it naked. So I got to stare at it all day, but what is worse is the tights. The elastic at the waist cuts right into my belly. It digs into my stomach like a constant reminder of how I’m getting bigger, and it makes me painfully aware of it.

I love this, and I wish I could truly accept it right now.

 

I sort of restricted “dinner”, making it more of a snack than anything, and I’m not sure what motivation I have to make up for it with my next snack/dinner tonight. We shall see I guess. With all this ED crap going on, I really don’t feel much like blogging, as I’m sure you understand. Well, the 3 of you anyway, ’cause I know I barely have readers. Which makes it even more ok not to do a proper post tonight, since no one would really miss it.

I hope more than anything that tomorrow ED will shut the fuck up already and leave me alone.  I know I need to eat, but ED doesn’t, and that is the problem. Hopefully I will have a huge appetite tomorrow. I would want to eat a bunch of food then, instead of making myself eat like I did at times today. I don’t want to lose any more weight, but I don’t want to keep eating like I am now, where it feels like it’s all I ever do. I want to be recovered as in the adjective, but I do not want to have to recover, as in the verb. I’m really not sure what is going on or what the hell to do.

I just keep telling myself, “Tomorrow is a new day…”

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 30, 2011 8:30 pm

    Bryana, I can completely understand how you are feeling right now. In fact, I am kind of feeling the same right now but I have learnt from previous experiences that restricting doesn’t fix anything – it just makes me feel worse because I feel like I’ve given in to the disorder.

    Have you thought about writing a list of goals that you want to achieve without your eating disorder (or things that you cannot accomplish with an eating disorder.) Sort of like a little list of inspiration. Some of mine are:
    -I want to have kids
    -I want to go to Antarctica
    -I don’t want osteoporosis
    -I want be able to be free of disordered thoughts etc

    It works for me sometimes. Weight restoration sucks but it does get better, I promise. Feel better soon, dearie 🙂

    xxx

  2. January 31, 2011 11:21 am

    Sorry you had a rough day. I hope tomorrow will be better.
    I’ve also had my fair share of mental struggles today, so I understand how you’re feeling. But you can and will get through this. Hang in there!

    Thinking about you!

    (hugs)

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