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Perserverance and Why I Love Costco

January 29, 2011

Today was a struggle for me. I woke up feeling fat. I ate my usual breakfast, fighting like hell through the urge to restrict. I’m surprised that this is the first time during this entire process of me trying to gain weight (yeah, the whole three weeks :-)) that I have felt this urge. It was a freaking hard mental battle while cooking breakfast, but I won. I did not restrict at all.

While eating my meal I’m usually fine, like I have gotten through the hard part of actually measuring and preparing, and now I can just enjoy. Eating it was easy. But it didn’t last for long, for as soon as I finished, I had to jump right into preparing more food. I was going to be at dance until the afternoon, and since the studio is about 50 minutes from my house, I had to pack a lunch. The deal with my parents still is that I have to eat more to make up for calories burned while dancing, so I had to pack extra. It was really difficult to feel fat and have to pack lunch, especially a lunch that had more calories than usual. Thankfully that was where medjool dates came to the rescue. Small in volume + high in calories = the perfect choice.

Dinner was no easier. I was so physically beat when I got home, but ED had some ideas for another mental war. After another struggle, I beat him again and ate my proper dinner without restricting anything. My after-dinner snack was the hardest and I felt the fattest. But I tried not to think about it as I plowed through my ensure, more dates, and a pb&j. I don’t actually feel uncomfortably stuffed as I write this, but I feel emotionally drained. Hopefully tomorrow ED will be less talkative. I just keep reminding myself that when recovery becomes harder, it means I’m actually succeeding at beating ED.  

After dance my parents and I went to Costo. I adore that place. Everything comes in jumbo sizes for half the price of the regular size. We got the dates, walnuts, and almonds. But the the real gold was the Maranatha almond butter, which is delicious! I got some a couple of weeks ago and was getting rather close to finishing it off. It was definitely time to restock! The 16 oz jar in the supermarket is $7.79. This jar is 26 oz, and it only costs $5.69. 10 oz more for $2 less!

That is a standard size pb jar next to the ab for size comparison. And again, sorry about the vertical streak on the jars. Photographing at night is not a good idea.


I have eaten my weigh way through most of the almond butter in just 2 weeks, while simultaneously polishing off 1 1/2 jars of peanut butter, and 1/2 a jar of soynut butter. I wonder what could be causing my weight gain? 🙂

3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 30, 2011 2:49 am

    I can definitely relate to the “fat” feeling. At the beginning of my weight gain period, I would feel huge and yet when I looked in the mirror, I say a really skinny girl – it didn’t make sense! Have you tried this?

    The hardest part is going against what the “voice” is staying at the beginning but the more and more you do that, the stronger you become and the easier it gets. I promise. I’m so proud of you for plowing on through even though the chatterbox was exhausting you mentally. 🙂

    I am so jealous of you and that jar of almond butter!!!!! (I didn’t even notice the streaks until you mentioned it :P)


  2. January 30, 2011 7:28 am

    Oh, how I long for almond butter. You just can’t find that stuff here (sigh).

    I’ve had “fat days” as well and I know it’s a real fight not to give into the urge to restrict. But you did great and should feel really good about yourself.

    Actually I’m having one of those days today, but I am NOT going to let that drag me down. I have a yummy pizza dinner to look forward to, and I am so not letting ED spoil that for me.

  3. dmcgirl37 permalink
    January 30, 2011 10:03 am

    Hey girl =) Good for you for keeping with your Meal Plan!!! In my opinion you’ve been frickin crazy lucky that this is the FIRST time you’ve had trouble with ‘fat’ feelings and sticking to you MP. Day one, I was in tears and panicking 24 hours a day. I’m pretty sure I managed to panic in my sleep as well lol Your beautiful and you just need to fight thought feelings to restrict! Dancing=more calories burned so we DO have to eat more calories….I know, what a concept! 😉 haha You’ll get through this though, I promise.

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