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Something to Think About

February 2, 2012

Hello everyone. Long time, no blog, huh?

I’m sorry. I just haven’t had the time or energy to post anything these days. Hopefully I will blog more frequently this month though, since I have a lot going on that I’d like to share.

To sum everything up, I’m not doing well. I stopped purging, but my weight is at 109 now, down from 116 in October/November. I’m hungry all the time; no shit, since I restrict really badly. I’m literally always exhausted. The school day is becoming really difficult to get through, and ballet is even worse. I keep cancelling plans with my friends because I’m too tired. I have dark circles under both eyes like someone’s punched me, and I’m constantly nauseous and light-headed. And I know it’s all because of my diet and low weight, but I can’t seem to inspire myself to eat more and to gain. Most of my motivation is gone.

But I’ll go into more detail on this another time. On the bright side, I get my license this month (if I pass), for which I’m insanely excited!!!!! 26 days until my road test.

Also, I was on tumblr earlier. (By the way, does anybody have one? Mine is http://ifitsnotokay.tumblr.com/ if you’re interested in checking it out and following. If you have one too, link to it in the comments and I’ll gladly take a look! :-)) Anyway, I saw this picture and really loved the statement in it:

Food is fuel. Yes, it’s also a form of pleasure, but in the end, it’s simply a source of energy for your body to function the way it needs to. It’s not the enemy, nor is it the therapist with which you comfort-eat yourself into oblivion.  It is just fuel.

This picture seriously gave me something to think about: how I view food, and why my relationship with it is what it is. Maybe it can give you guys something to ponder as well? :-)

Goodnight, my loves!

17 Comments leave one →
  1. February 2, 2012 10:04 pm

    Lovely, I am so sorry to hear that you are relapsing. I know how you feel, though, as I am going through the exact same emotions and feelings and weight loss. We have to pull through. That’s a beautiful quotation that we must listen to. Our bodies need fuel to live. We want to live. We need the fuel. And fuel only comes from food so we must eat. Even if we are not hungry. Even if we are not “ready”. We must do it.
    Thinking of you. Stay strong precious one.
    xoxo

  2. February 2, 2012 10:07 pm

    P.S. Followed you on tumblr <3

  3. February 2, 2012 10:10 pm

    P.P.S. Remember the strength you found back when you recovered last time. The enthusiasm, the spirit, the beautiful light in your eyes and ability to dance and hang out with friends and smile and laugh! Anorexia will not take that away from you. We won’t let it.

    • February 2, 2012 10:35 pm

      Thank you so much for the reminder. My disordered thoughts make me “forget” how great life was. I really, honestly appreciate your kind words and support. <3

  4. February 3, 2012 11:16 pm

    Bryana,

    I want to echo what Andrea said so eloquently- you were *so* happy when you got to the place you called 90% recovered. I remembering reading about how you loved spending time with your friends and having joy back in your life. You got there once, so I KNOW you can get to that place again. The more weight we lose, the more we restrict, the worse we feel… Your thoughts may be telling you right now that the only way to feel better is to lose more weight, but that is a lie. You are such a beautiful person- I mean that in every sense of the word- and you are that much more beautiful when you are living- truly LIVING- not just barely surviving and getting through the day. I hope you’ll think about taking some steps to get back on the recovery track- do you still see a dietitian and therapist? It’s ok if you’re not motivated right now- you may have to fake it ’til you make it- start taking baby steps in the right direction and as your body and brain gets healthier most likely that motivation will come back and recovery won’t be so tiresome. You can do this, girl- but you have to fight. Nothing great was ever accomplished without a struggle. If you want to talk, you have my number. :) I care about you a lot and we all just want to see you happy and healthy.
    <3
    Jess

  5. February 3, 2012 11:22 pm

    p.s. Appearance is obviously not important compared to your health, but I’m going to say this anyway in case it is helpful: I know you “felt fat” at 116 pounds, but from what I saw through facebook pictures you looked GORGEOUS. You’re a beautiful girl at any weight, but at a slightly higher weight you looked absolutely incredible in my opinion- you glowed and you were not even close to being “fat”. So Bryana’s ED: don’t tell her she looked “fat”, because I think she looked beautiful- healthy, happy, and beautiful.

  6. February 4, 2012 6:43 pm

    hi bryana :) i fully followed you (im thelittleactress) and i love tumblr as well, i love putting down things without having to explain them…and finding images that explain things better than words. or at least mine :/ i suck at explaining thing coherently, especially problems and what not. im sorry you’re having a shit time. but i really know you’ll be fine, just keep being strong.

    • February 4, 2012 6:44 pm

      ugh sorry i wasn’t finished and it sort of sent :p anyway, im feeling sort of not great as well, and nausea, ugh ive been feeling so ill lately especially and its sort of debilitating, yet im not totally sure what is up. anyway, i have loved reading your blog and im excited to hear more about what’s going on :) xoxox lots of love

  7. February 5, 2012 7:42 pm

    Bryana, I really loved reading your posts when you were so close to full recovery–they really inspired me to work on my own recovery so I could get to the same happy place you were at! I know that it can be so hard to break out of the weight loss/ED thoughts cycle because I am struggling right now with that too but remember that weight loss and giving in to the thoughts will only make you happy temporarily…if at all.

    You are a gorgeous girl, inside and out, and I KNOW you have what it takes to fight this once and for all. It won’t be easy, but know that it will be worth it to have your happiness back!
    <3
    Ash

  8. moomoo190 permalink
    February 13, 2012 12:25 pm

    I followed your tumblr! :) Check out mine please? taste0f-imperfection.tumblr.com

  9. March 21, 2012 1:54 pm

    I’m sorry to hear this. I had a re lapse of my eating patterns and over exercising from november til febuary and lost just under a stone from 8.7 stone to 7.7 stone, I’m not sure of my weight at the moment but I know its healthy and just want to maintain it! Today I felt terrible as i had cheesecake for breakfast but then I had porridge for lunch! I have been eating well it has helped to think about how it will helo me in gaining my period back. I really hope you can see the light; your right your body need energy, energy to just stay alive leaving aside all that amazing dancing you wanna do so go girl and say no to the evil thoughts you can do it try and think of how much better you will feel :) anyway feel free to ask me anything and I also have a blog. I find it helps reading blogs as it takes the focus of myself. Debz

  10. May 22, 2012 2:10 pm

    Bryana,
    I think of you often. I hope you’re doing well and have found the peace that wasn’t present when you wrote this post. YOU DESERVE IT. I believe in you and am always here for support. I just wanted to drop by today and remind you that you can do this.

  11. July 26, 2012 11:08 pm

    I’m thinking of you, Bryana. <3

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