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Just So Blahhhh

December 27, 2011

Hey guys. Thanks, as always, for your support on my last post.  I really appreciate it, and I’m working hard at keeping my promise to both you all and myself. I don’t really have a point to this post, other than to sort of mention that I think I’m a little depressed again. I’m on winter break now, and save for yesterday (a day spent with JV), I just sit around the house doing nothing. I wake up at 8, eat breakfast, and then seemingly do nothing, and before I know it, it’s 3pm. Then it’s 7pm. Then it’s midnight, and I go to bed, only to do it all over again the next day. I spent a few hours at my friend’s house for her birthday, but I zoned out for practically the whole time, and when I got home, I was exhausted and so blahhh.

Like I mentioned in the last post, I’ve lost about 5 pounds. I don’t know, but I suppose the weight loss could have something to do with this. I feel either emotionless or sad all the time, I seem to just exist through my days, rather than live through them. It’s a bad situation, and I really don’t want it to turn into a full-blown relapse, but I’m unsure of what to do.

Sorry that this was so short and such a downer. I just wanted to get it all out. Thanks for listening reading. I love you guys!!!

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. December 27, 2011 5:37 pm

    we’re here for you :)

  2. December 27, 2011 8:25 pm

    o god bryana…please im literally on my knees begging and pleading with you not to give up. do NOT give in to these ed voices because it will only lead you down a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry slippery downward spiral. it is TERRIFYING how quickly 5 lbs can become 10 ca become a stone and before you know it your right back wer u started….and all ur AMAZING, INCREDIBLE and ADMIRABLE hard work at beating this bitch of a illness is undone. you DONT want that to happen bcuz anorexia gives you absolutely NOTHING. ZILZH. NADA!!! you can not let it take hold of you again. think of how much time it has already stolen from you. think of everything you have lost due to it. unfortunately you cant fix that horrific damage but you CAN make bloody sure it NEVER EVER!!! happens again. bryana u are such a BEAUTIFUL person- inside and out and when you are sick ed doesnt let yu show ur true beauty- it imprisons u in a whirlwind of selfish self-hatred and bitterness and depression- you deserve SO much more than that. this recent sadness definitely has absolutely EVERYTHING to do with the weightloss-5 lbs is a HUGE deal, but dont worry cuz its christmas!!! and ur surrounded by your friends family and all those that love and care for you most. they will help and support you-just reach out and ask for their help to get back on track. dont suffer in silence- that only makes ed stronger and lets it get a tighter grip on you. let others know that it is hurting you and get them to help you fight it. anorexia is nothing more than a sick, twisted, malicious bully. if you were being bullied in school or at work wud you not speak out, tell someone and get help and support??/- well this is no different- anorexia is trying to bully you- dont let it. FIGHT BRYANA FIGHT! you CAN do this!! I believe 100% in you. you are my inspiration and the inspiration of many others. show ed who is boss- dont waste your BEAUTIFUL life- life is a gift- treasure every second of it. luv and hugs, sarah (from ireland!!!!!) ps I read every single post and check everyday- luv your blog, ur my hero : )

    • December 27, 2011 11:05 pm

      Wow. Sarah, thank you so much for that. Honestly…..I’m utterly speechless right now. For you (someone who’s never met me) to tell me I’m an inspiration is so heartwarming and inspirational for me to not give up. Seriously girl, I cannot thank you enough for this comment. I had a really shitty day today, and I just read this right as I was about to go to bed. It was just what I needed at the end of such a depressing day.
      Wow. Again Sarah, thank you so much. You’re a real superstar!

  3. December 28, 2011 12:44 am

    Bryana, I really hope you don’t relapse! Even a little slip can be super hard to reverse, but I know you can do it! Just know that we’re all here for you and we want you to be happy again!
    <3

  4. December 29, 2011 5:28 pm

    Thinking of you, Bryana. <3 You can fight this!!! I agree with Sarah- 5 pounds is a significant loss in general but especially in such a short period of time- it is most likely taking a huge toll on your mood b/c your brain doesn't have the resources to focus on emotion regulation and it wants you to eat more, so it's just forcing you to think about food and not really feel anything (or something like that- there is a biological explanation that my doctor told me along those lines!) Although we've never met, I truly consider you an inspiration, recovery warrior/hero that kicks serious ED butt, friend (you are such an AMAZING person! Just all in all, you have the best sense of humor and are so strong and insightful and kind and smart… When ED isn't taking over, your personality is absolutely beautiful) and kind of a younger sister b/c I feel protective of you and am always here if you need any advice on the "high school experience"- except I totally don't mean younger sister in a condescending way, because you are of course wise beyond your years and are much more mature than some of my friends in their 20s! Anyway, point is that I care about you A LOT- we all do, so much- and want to see you beat this- it's going to be an uphill battle, but you've done it before and you CAN- and WILL- do it again! Are you still seeing a dietitian, therapist, and doctor? I think that could be very helpful, especially consider your body's biological state with the rapid weight loss.

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