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Taking Each Day As It Comes

December 23, 2011

Hey guys. I’m just popping in with a quick update on things.

But first, I just wanted to let all of you know how amazing you are, and how much you mean to me. Your support on my last post, and the few before it too, have been to heart-warming. I feel lucky every day to know that you’re all here and rooting for me!

So, here’s what’s been going on:

In a lot of ways, things have been amazing. Today was the last day of school (yeah, I had a full week of school this week. :-() and now I can officially relax for the break. I don’t have an insane amount of homework, which is lovely, and I have plans with friends almost each day of the break, which I’m really looking forward to. My best friend’s 18th birthday is this coming week, so we’re both super excited and looking forward to doing something fun and free on her special day. Im going ice skating with JV and some of our friends on Monday, and I might actually go out for the first time on New Year’s Eve.

Yesterday was my and JV’s two-month “anniversary.” We went to the movies and watched The Sitter (doesn’t that sound like the title to a horror movie? But it was a actually a comedy, and we both thought it was a really good, funny film.) Afterwards, we walked to the Starbucks right rext door and were there for another hour or so. Before the movie, we exchanged Christmas gifts, and opened them early, since neither of us wanted to wait ’till Sunday. I got him his two favorite candies, a teeshirt with something slightly perverted funny written on it, and some really pretty note cards. There were 4  types of cards in the box, each in a different color and with a slightly different shape. I wrote 44 things I love about him or our relationship on them, and made them into a booklet. I really think he liked it.

Among other things, he wrote me a really sweet card and got me a big teddy bear that he sprayed with his cologne to make it smell like him. Now each time I hug the bear, I smell the cologne and feel a little like I’m hugging him. (How dorky is that!) 

Anyway, to be perfectly honest, meeting him and having this relationship was the best thing that happened to me in a long time. I see him every single morning at 8:16, and then continually throughout the school day. Yet, each day, the thought of seeing him gives me butterflies. Knowing that I have him makes me so happy, and makes everything worthwhile. In fact, I get really sad if I think about not having him; I just know my life would be dreary, dull, and really damn lonely. I can’t imagine my life without him at this point.

And you know what else? He is truly the greatest when it comes to this fucking eating disorder. He is never harsh or rude, judgmental or uncaring. He always says the perfect things to cheer me up or take my mind off of it, and I am forever thankful that he does.

That brings me to the not-so-happy part of this post. The ED habits and tendencies have crept back in to my life. It’s horrible. The purging has continued. What’s more, for the past few days I’ve been binging and purging, which feels so much worse, emotionally, than just purging my normal meal. To make things even worse, I’ve lost a relatively large amount of weight. In the beginning of November, I fluctuated between 114-116 pounds. Now I’m between 109-112, which is a loss of about 5 pounds. It’s really bad, and though I don’t feel different yet physically, I know I will soon if I keep losing.

So right here, right now, I need this to stop. The b/p, the weight loss, everything. Aj has already asked me to try really hard to stop, and now I’d like to ask you all of a favor. Could you please hold me accountable to not purge anymore? I haven’t been caught by my parents, so I have no self-motivation to stop. It would really help if I knew all of you were sitting there, expecting me to keep my word on this. I’d be forever thankful!

I hope all who celebrate have a merry Christmas, and for everyone, a happy New Year!

Now tell me, what’s something fun you’re going to do this winter/Christmas break?

9 Comments leave one →
  1. December 23, 2011 5:15 pm

    congrats on the 2 months with JV :) you two are too cute! and i am so happy that you have found somebody to make you happy.

    and of course we will all help with your ED and b/p. i know how hard it is. plus, self-motivation to stop is SO hard. but we’re here for you :)

  2. December 23, 2011 6:43 pm

    aw bryana :) your relationship is the sweetest thing ever :) and im so happy that you have him, and his support, against ed and all that negativity. i am here for you, even though you don’t know me, but i do care! and i know you’ll be able to stop this. i hope you have amazing holidays, and just relax as you deserve it. xoxox love, jen

  3. December 23, 2011 7:02 pm

    Lovely, I’m glad that your relationship is going well! It’s wonderful to have that support near you all the time. Please take care of yourself. <3
    Prayers. xoxo

  4. December 23, 2011 7:59 pm

    You are so beautiful lady! :) I’m wishing you a wonderful holiday!

  5. December 23, 2011 11:00 pm

    Happy holidays! :) I’m glad things are going so well with him. :)

    I hope you can find the motivation/desire to not purge or use any eating disorder behaviors. Of course we will all support you but you have to want it! I was completely un-helpable until I decided I wanted to be strong, energetic, and healthy, not deprive myself and stress over food so much. I know it’s really hard though :( I will be thinking of you, sending positive thoughts your way! :) I know you can overcome this ED if you set your mind to it. That’s what I loved so much about your blog in the first place when I found it!

  6. December 24, 2011 1:41 pm

    Congratulations on the anniversary!!
    And the p/b thing… It’s the time of year for commitments and new resolutions. And as the wise Missy Miller once reminded me; Don’t just make this a fresh start, make this the LAST fresh start. Look at all the wonderfull things that are going on in your life right now. Let go of ED and grab a hold on all of the other lovely things and people. You’ve come so far, you’ve been doing so well, switch things back up and shine on :)
    Love,
    Sooz

  7. December 25, 2011 11:21 am

    Bryana I am so glad you are having such a great time with JV :)

    I am so sorry ED has been forcing his way back into your life again, but the more you fight the more free you will be :)

  8. December 26, 2011 12:51 am

    I am more than committed to holding you accountable, Bryana. Let me know if you want me to send you regular texts reminding you not to purge- it will probably get super annoying, but if it helps at all, I will do it! <3 You are far too special to let ED control your life any longer. You have come SO far in your recovery, so I KNOW you can pull yourself out of this rut and get back on track- but in order to do so, you have to find the motivation in any way that you can. If it helps you to do it for JV (you two are SO cute!) and the blog community, use that as motivation for now. Whatever you need to motivate you, channel it! I hope you eventually start doing it for you, though, because you deserve happiness- and ED will never bring you that. You have such a beautiful future ahead of you, and so much to live for- don't give up!!! *hugs* YOU CAN DO THIS <3<3<3

  9. December 26, 2011 12:52 am

    *and when I say “super annoying”, I mean for you, not for me! I always love texting you <3

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