Taking Each Day As It Comes
Hey guys. I’m just popping in with a quick update on things.
But first, I just wanted to let all of you know how amazing you are, and how much you mean to me. Your support on my last post, and the few before it too, have been to heart-warming. I feel lucky every day to know that you’re all here and rooting for me!
So, here’s what’s been going on:
In a lot of ways, things have been amazing. Today was the last day of school (yeah, I had a full week of school this week. ) and now I can officially relax for the break. I don’t have an insane amount of homework, which is lovely, and I have plans with friends almost each day of the break, which I’m really looking forward to. My best friend’s 18th birthday is this coming week, so we’re both super excited and looking forward to doing something fun and free on her special day. Im going ice skating with JV and some of our friends on Monday, and I might actually go out for the first time on New Year’s Eve.
Yesterday was my and JV’s two-month “anniversary.” We went to the movies and watched The Sitter (doesn’t that sound like the title to a horror movie? But it was a actually a comedy, and we both thought it was a really good, funny film.) Afterwards, we walked to the Starbucks right rext door and were there for another hour or so. Before the movie, we exchanged Christmas gifts, and opened them early, since neither of us wanted to wait ’till Sunday. I got him his two favorite candies, a teeshirt with something
slightly perverted funny written on it, and some really pretty note cards. There were 4 types of cards in the box, each in a different color and with a slightly different shape. I wrote 44 things I love about him or our relationship on them, and made them into a booklet. I really think he liked it.
Among other things, he wrote me a really sweet card and got me a big teddy bear that he sprayed with his cologne to make it smell like him. Now each time I hug the bear, I smell the cologne and feel a little like I’m hugging him. (How dorky is that!)
Anyway, to be perfectly honest, meeting him and having this relationship was the best thing that happened to me in a long time. I see him every single morning at 8:16, and then continually throughout the school day. Yet, each day, the thought of seeing him gives me butterflies. Knowing that I have him makes me so happy, and makes everything worthwhile. In fact, I get really sad if I think about not having him; I just know my life would be dreary, dull, and really damn lonely. I can’t imagine my life without him at this point.
And you know what else? He is truly the greatest when it comes to this fucking eating disorder. He is never harsh or rude, judgmental or uncaring. He always says the perfect things to cheer me up or take my mind off of it, and I am forever thankful that he does.
That brings me to the not-so-happy part of this post. The ED habits and tendencies have crept back in to my life. It’s horrible. The purging has continued. What’s more, for the past few days I’ve been binging and purging, which feels so much worse, emotionally, than just purging my normal meal. To make things even worse, I’ve lost a relatively large amount of weight. In the beginning of November, I fluctuated between 114-116 pounds. Now I’m between 109-112, which is a loss of about 5 pounds. It’s really bad, and though I don’t feel different yet physically, I know I will soon if I keep losing.
So right here, right now, I need this to stop. The b/p, the weight loss, everything. Aj has already asked me to try really hard to stop, and now I’d like to ask you all of a favor. Could you please hold me accountable to not purge anymore? I haven’t been caught by my parents, so I have no self-motivation to stop. It would really help if I knew all of you were sitting there, expecting me to keep my word on this. I’d be forever thankful!
I hope all who celebrate have a merry Christmas, and for everyone, a happy New Year!
Now tell me, what’s something fun you’re going to do this winter/Christmas break?