And It All Comes Crashing Down
*Warning: could possibly be triggering*
I’ve gotten fat.
Really, truly huge.
I have fat folds when I sit, and my juniors size 1 jeans almost don’t fit me anymore. I’m 115-116 pounds, and goal weight was waaaay back at 111. I feel like a mother fucking cow. I literally have fat on my belly to grab and jiggle now, and every time I look at it, I feel a severe wave of disappointment in my self, tons of anger, and depression.
What’s more, I’ve gone back to purging. It’s the one thing I promised myself I’d never again do in my life, and since about a week ago, I’ve done it at least once a day, but most days, it’s gotten to 2-4 times.
But I have completely run out of ways to cope, and it’s the only thing left I feel I can do. Wanna know the most ridiculous part of it all (as is this weren’t ridiculous enough…)? I don’t binge and purge. I eat normal amounts of food and then throw it up. And the food I eat is insanely low-calorie too. It’s squash, lettuce, cabbage, beets, cauliflower, cottage cheese, tofu, and carrots that I purge. What are low-calorie fucking veggies and protein going to do to me? NOTHING. I won’t gain a damn pound from them, yet they give me huge food babies which I honestly just cannot handle at this point.
So up it all comes.
I don’t eat much these days. Breakfast is a handful of pretzels and 2 coffees. Lunch in school is an apple and some more pretzels. Lunch in the car on the way to ballet is an apple, a chobani, and some kashi go lean. Dinner is either a big bowl of whipped air (aka a huge protein smoothie with ice for volume) or some veggies and tofu/shrimp my mom makes. That’s it. Variety has gone down the drain, as have a healthy amount of daily calories. Oh, and the remains of my dinner go along with them.
I feel so alone in this, but I know I have all of you who have dealt/are dealing with this. I don’t want to go back down this road again, but being at this weight is making more upset than is imaginable.
This is not okay. I am so lost. Fat and lost.