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And It All Comes Crashing Down

November 20, 2011

*Warning: could possibly be triggering*

I’ve gotten fat.

Really, truly huge.

I have fat folds when I sit, and my juniors size 1 jeans almost don’t fit me anymore. I’m 115-116 pounds, and goal weight was waaaay back at 111. I feel like a mother fucking cow. I literally have fat on my belly to grab and jiggle now, and every time I look at it, I feel a severe wave of disappointment in my self, tons of anger, and depression.

What’s more, I’ve gone back to purging. It’s the one thing I promised myself I’d never again do in my life, and since about a week ago, I’ve done it at least once a day, but most days, it’s gotten to 2-4 times.

But I have completely run out of ways to cope, and it’s the only thing left I feel I can do. Wanna know the most ridiculous part of it all (as is this weren’t ridiculous enough…)? I don’t binge and purge. I eat normal amounts of food and then throw it up. And the food I eat is insanely low-calorie too. It’s squash, lettuce, cabbage, beets, cauliflower, cottage cheese, tofu, and carrots that I purge. What are low-calorie fucking veggies and protein going to do to me? NOTHING. I won’t gain a damn pound from them, yet they give me huge food babies which I honestly just cannot handle at this point.

So up it all comes.

I don’t eat much these days. Breakfast is a handful of pretzels and 2 coffees. Lunch in school is an apple and some more pretzels. Lunch in the car on the way to ballet is an apple, a chobani, and some kashi go lean. Dinner is either a big bowl of whipped air (aka a huge protein smoothie with ice for volume) or some veggies and tofu/shrimp my mom makes. That’s it. Variety has gone down the drain, as have a healthy amount of daily calories. Oh, and the remains of my dinner go along with them.

I feel so alone in this, but I know I have all of you who have dealt/are dealing with this. I don’t want to go back down this road again, but being at this weight is making more upset than is imaginable.

This is not okay. I am so lost. Fat and lost.

 

12 Comments leave one →
  1. November 20, 2011 10:36 pm

    i am so sorry to hear about the struggles you have been going through. it’s tough. really and truly tough. it’s so easy to fall back into old habits and that’s the worst of all. you have times where you are on top of the world and then it all crashes down and you are back to where you started from and you feel like a failure. but guess what? you aren’t a failure! shit happens. everyone has their horrible moments but that’s okay because i know you’re strong. you have already been through so much and i know you can do whatever you set your mind to. you just need to set your mind to what you want. and that’s happiness. it sucks, i know. setbacks make the world come crashing down. for me, i feel like a failure. but then i have to take a step back and realize that it’s okay. stay strong <3

  2. November 20, 2011 11:06 pm

    It brings tears to my eyes to see you hurting like this :( ED is such a liar and a killer and I can’t stand to see him doing this to you :’(

    I am here to do anything i can do for you okay? Skype (I am Scott.Gramke) text, or anything else okay?

    Stay strong <3 Sending my prayers your way

    Scott

  3. November 21, 2011 9:08 am

    Bryana,
    I am so sorry you are struggling right now. You have fought too hard to give up all your hard work in recovery, and the sooner that you can turn things around and fight this, the quicker you will be back on the path to happiness and health. Your eating disorder will never, ever bring you happiness. It might give you a sense of comfort, but it will never give you the things you want from life: happiness, energy, freedom, friendships. Those are things that can only come with recovery. I know you don’t really want to go back to your eating disorder.
    Your weight is not important to who you are to anyone but you. And goal weight way back at 111? SO, your body might have a higher set point than what you thought your goal weight “should” be. And 5 lbs is not a noticeable difference to anyone’s eyes but yours. (Also, size 1 jr jeans is teeny, just fyi).
    You’re channelling all of your anger, depression and issues of self-esteem into the external, manageable, controllable issue of weight. Instead of doing that, you need to actually face those feelings instead of shying away from them.
    Have you told anyone that you’re struggling? Parents, dietician, doctor, therapist? You need to. They can help you, and give you the support you need. This online community is wonderful, but it can’t replace actual, real-life help. You need to talk to people about this, get someone to help enforce your real meal plan, and face the feelings that are beneath your behaviors.
    You say you’ve run out of ways to cope, but I bet you know more coping skills than you give yourself credit for. How about next time you’re struggling with a meal, talk to someone about it, express your feelings, go for a walk, write, do something that you enjoy and find a way to release your feelings.
    I don’t know if you still remember me – we were emailing for a little while – but if you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me an email, okay?
    Be strong, you can get through this.

  4. November 21, 2011 12:29 pm

    bryana :( i know i dont know you, and just a month ago i read and found your blog + fell in love, your story shows such strength and you seem like such a sweet, gorgeous + talented person. and you are. i feel like i got to know you from reading your story and it inspired me so much. so reading this post literally breaks my heart, im so sorry youre having so much trouble love, honestly i am. you deserve to be happy and free of awful ed + everything that comes along with it ;( but i know you can push forward through this and get better, because ive read your story and you have come out of lapses like this. i believe in you so much and so does everyone else, and i know you’ll be okay. keep being strong and everything will work out. do you have anyone to talk to, for support? just reach out to anyone, and i know we dont know each other but you can message me any time. xoxoxoxoxox

  5. November 21, 2011 1:37 pm

    Bry,
    I am past my ‘goal weight’ too, but that does not mean that we are fat..
    it just means that our expectations are not exactly what God has in store for us.. I know you are not Christian, but either way.. you do know that setting your mind on one particular weight is unrealistic.
    Remember how hard you have worked to kick ED’s ass.
    I miss talking to you. I am so sad to read this.
    Please do not believe the lies that you are too big or unworthy. You are beautiful, intelligent, and amazing and I love you.
    You helped me so much in my recovery, and I hate to see you like this.
    Keep your chin up, and know that I am always here for you. <3 Haley

  6. Camilla permalink
    November 21, 2011 8:57 pm

    Prayers, as always <3 you're beautiful!

  7. Hannah permalink
    November 23, 2011 10:34 pm

    Oh girl I’m so sorry you’ve encountered a bump in the road, just remember that is all this is! It obviously has nothing to do with the fact that you are “fat” b/c we all know it is something much deeper down inside that is making you feel out of control and anxious. You know what recovery feels like! Grab hold of that feeling&don’t let go! Fight hard&don’t give up, you deserve to be happy and healthy. Eating disorder behaviors are never the answer. The first step is getting help! Sure you have admitted it to us on the internet, but who have you reached out to in your real life? Help is there you just have to ask! Please keep us updated, we all want the best for you!

  8. November 24, 2011 3:21 am

    this makes me sad….

    here’s the thing though, a goal weight is just an arbitrary number… your body finds where it needs to be after a LONG period of regulated, normalized eating… eating without engaging in behaviors. The purging is probably making it worse (besides the obvious health effects)

    be gentle with yourself… easier said than done I know…

    have you talked to anyone about what you’re doing right now? been honest about the what and the why (aka the feelings behind it)?

  9. November 25, 2011 11:48 am

    Why does it matter that you’re now a few pounds heavier than you were? Remember you are a teenager and you’re still developing. You will get belly pudge. You will grow thighs and possibly some love handles, if you’re lucky. It’s a part of our ever changing body system. Let me ask you this: if you get back down to 111lbs, would that make you happy? Would it make you happy to eat pretzels and bloaty vegetables for the rest of your life just to stay at 111lbs or lower? Or will you be happier eating foods you enjoy, learning to trust and respect your body and not worry about things like belly pudge? In the end, what is it that really matters here? Your body fat (which is needed to insulate your organs and although it will fluctuate from time to time, you NEED it there) or your happiness?

    Love you, sweetie. If you need to talk just message me on Facebook <3

  10. November 25, 2011 10:19 pm

    I struggled with an eating disorder when I was 16… It took me years, but I fully recovered. Now, if I ever look at myself critically in the mirror and think that I’m fat, I ask myself, “Compared to what?” What is the cookie cutter image that is supposedly perfection? Because in reality, there is no such thing. We’ve been trained to think that a bit of extra fat on someone else is okay… but just not on us. The thing is that we all have different body types and shapes. We’re all beautiful. And some of us have love handles or a bit more padding, but why is that not okay? Who says that’s not okay? My heart goes out to you, because I know that this is such a difficult, lonely struggle. Hugs!!

  11. December 8, 2011 7:12 pm

    Beautiful,
    It is ED that is tricking you. Telling you that you are fat and that you need to lose weight, when in fact you don’t. You are so beautiful and have come so far in recovery. Think back to when you were happy without ed! You deserve that happiness and THAT life. The girl and life that does cartwheels and has fun with her friends.
    Please hang onto recovery. You deserve the best <3
    all my thoughts and prayers to you
    xoxo

  12. December 16, 2011 7:10 pm

    Thinking of you Bryana…been checking your blog for updates daily. I hope things are going better <3

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