A Punch in the Gut
Hey guys. I want to send a huge THANK YOU to each and every one of you for your happy, encouraging comments here. You all are amazing. I know I haven’t been blogging regularly, but your support on each (sporadic) post makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.
Alright. On Saturday, I received some really upsetting news. Actually, it’s quite horrifying. He made me promise not to tell anyone, but one, it’s eating me up, and two, technically, I’m not telling, I’m typing. Well that’s how I justify talking about this, anyway.
Confused? Sorry, let me clarify what the hell I’m even talking about. AJ is bulimic. My first reaction to that was “I thought so.” I saw it in his teeth months ago. My second reaction was JDFNSJK MWS OD ASDF KSEKOS MVKLSKLD HOLY SHIT, NO NO NO NO NO THIS ISNT HAPPENING!!!!!!
Guys, I don’t know what to do. He said it started in freshman year, so over 2 years ago. That was the time I was purging too, and he knew it. He said he wanted to tell me to be strong, and to encourage me to stop, but he felt like he couldn’t say that to me when he was doing it too. I wish he’d told me though. That was what I needed most then, someone who knew what I was going through. I’m sure that’s what he needed too.
This is my best friend. My best friend. I know what he’s feeling. I know every torture of bulimia. I know the pain, the suffering, the hell that it is. And I cannot do a single fucking thing to help him. I feel so lost and hopeless. All I want is for him to be happy and healthy. Unless people have been through it, they simply cannot understand how much bulimia hurts, and it sickens me to know that he’s hurting the way I was. That pain of bulimia is unbearable; it just kills me to know that someone I love so much is feeling it.
I would not wish this eating disorder on people I loathe, let alone on someone so special in my life. He says he’s trying to stop, and I told him to text me if he feels the urge. But other than that, he doesn’t like talking about it, and I cannot do jack shit to make this better for him. Knowing what he’s going through is a slap in the face, a punch in the gut, a dagger in my heart. His ED is murdering him, I’m sure, and that is murdering me.
I’m sorry – this post is quite the train-wreck of incohesive, random statements. I just cannot get my thoughts together to make this post flow right now, but I really needed to get it out somewhere, since I cant “tell” anyone. Thanks for putting up with me; hopefully my next post will be more positive.