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A Punch in the Gut

November 7, 2011

Hey guys. I want to send a huge THANK YOU to each and every one of you for your happy, encouraging comments here. You all are amazing. I know I haven’t been blogging regularly, but your support on each (sporadic) post makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.

Alright. On Saturday, I received some really upsetting news. Actually, it’s quite horrifying. He made me promise not to tell anyone, but one, it’s eating me up, and two, technically, I’m not telling, I’m typing. Well that’s how I justify talking about this, anyway.

Confused? Sorry, let me clarify what the hell I’m even talking about. AJ is bulimic. My first reaction to that was “I thought so.” I saw it in his teeth months ago. My second reaction was JDFNSJK MWS  OD ASDF  KSEKOS  MVKLSKLD HOLY SHIT, NO NO NO NO NO THIS ISNT HAPPENING!!!!!!

Guys, I don’t know what to do. He said it started in freshman year, so over 2 years ago. That was the time I was purging too, and he knew it. He said he wanted to tell me to be strong, and to encourage me to stop, but he felt like he couldn’t say that to me when he was doing it too. I wish he’d told me though. That was what I needed most then, someone who knew what I was going through. I’m sure that’s what he needed too.

This is my best friend. My best friend. I know what he’s feeling. I know every torture of bulimia. I know the pain, the suffering, the hell that it is. And I cannot do a single fucking thing to help him. I feel so lost and hopeless. All I want is for him to be happy and healthy. Unless people have been through it, they simply cannot understand how much bulimia hurts, and it sickens me to know that he’s hurting the way I was. That pain of bulimia is unbearable; it just kills me to know that someone I love so much is feeling it.

I would not wish this eating disorder on people I loathe, let alone on someone so special in my life. He says he’s trying to stop, and I told him to text me if he feels the urge. But other than that, he doesn’t like talking about it, and I cannot do jack shit to make this better for him. Knowing what he’s going through is a slap in the face, a punch in the gut, a dagger in my heart. His ED is murdering  him, I’m sure, and that is murdering me.    

I’m sorry - this post is quite the train-wreck of incohesive, random statements.  I just cannot get my thoughts together to make this post flow right now, but I really needed to get it out somewhere, since I cant “tell” anyone. Thanks for putting up with me; hopefully my next post will be more positive.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. November 7, 2011 12:02 pm

    i am so sorry bryana. and i am totally with you on how nobody can know much bulimia hurts unless they have dealt with it. i see a lot of people sort of make fun of it and i just want to punch them. it’s a horrible horrible disease that so many people struggle with. i’ll keep you and aj in my thoughts <3

  2. November 7, 2011 12:08 pm

    I’m so sorry, Bryana! I can identify with what you’re going through- I have seen friends battle eating disorders and it really does feel like a punch in a gut- it hurts to see someone you love in so much pain- a pain you know too well- and feel powerless to stop it. AJ must have told you for a reason, though- I feel like he wouldn’t have brought it up if it wouldn’t serve a purpose for him. It may help him feel less alone to know that you now are aware of what he is going through, so at the very least he doesn’t have to feel like he is suffering in silence. I know that personally, even if I didn’t talk to my closest friends in detail about my eating disorder it helped to know that they knew I was experiencing it and would be open to listening if i ever needed to talk. Just knowing that I was in their thoughts helped. I bet you help him just by modeling healthy eating behaviors, too. There is something so powerful in knowing that it is possible to recover from an ED and that someone you love was able to overcome it, even if one feels powerless to change at a certain point in time. I hope AJ talks more about it with you when he feels ready. He is lucky to have you as a best friend! Keep blogging about this if it helps you get it off your chest- we are always hear to listen! Thinking of you and AJ. <3

  3. November 7, 2011 12:13 pm

    SAME exact thing happend to me over the weekend.. im in the same place as you right now.. we have to stay strong, but ima read these comments to see what others have to say!

  4. November 7, 2011 12:36 pm

    Oh my gosh! That’s HORRIBLE! :( I’m so sorry for him and for you. I wish I had advice for you but I don’t even know what to say. :(

    This happened to me a few months ago. One of my teammates and I got to talking and I found out she had an ED the entire time I did! But luckily, we’re both better now. It was just SUCH a slap in the face because I NEVER would have EVER thought it. And she didn’t know that about me.

  5. Camilla permalink
    November 8, 2011 9:16 pm

    Prayers! <3

  6. November 10, 2011 9:51 am

    Bryana I am so sorry :( These things can be so hard, and not being able to do anything makes it all the worse :( I guess the only thing you can do is what you have been doing, which is support him, and let him know you’re there. Encourage him to get the treatment he needs,

    Stay strong, and it will wear off on those around you. Prayers

    Scott

  7. November 12, 2011 6:12 pm

    I’m really sorry about this, Bryana. It is so hard to see someone we love struggle with these things to. The good news is that he shared it with you, he was able to tell someone. Doing that is the first step to getting rid of the shame and guilt surrounding it and freeing yourself.

    Remember that it is not your job to take care of him. You can be there for him as much as YOU can but at the end of the day you are responsible for no one’s recovery but your own. Don’t take on too much responsibility, my dear. You have a very giving heart and so much compassion but that doesn’t mean that you can give endlessly. Keep yourself at the top of your priority list.

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