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Why Hello There!

July 28, 2012

Well damn. I have not posted on this blog in almost half a year. I guess I’ve been dealing with lot and because of that, blogging has been neither a priority nor a desire. I don’t know if anyone is really out there reading any more, but if you are, I hope you’re doing well and having a wonderful July! :) So, what’s been going on with me? Well, how about a few short monthly recaps?

February: casting went up for Don Quixote, our spring performance, and I learned that I was cast as the principle (lead), Kitri. I said hello to the start of 3 months of immense pressure because of it. I also turned 17 at the end of the month and got my license 2 days later!!!

March: I continued to rehearse for Don Q. I also hosted an exchange student from Barcelona for 11 days. He’s name was Ruben and he was very lovely.

April: I had spring break from ballet the first week of the month, and break from school the following week. Rehearsals continued. Oh, Jovon and I had now been together for half a year!

May: We had our performance of Don Quixote on the 5th. It was the best day and and proudest moment of my life. The following week I took my AP biology test.

June: I took the SATs for the first (and so far, only) time. It was 5 of the most boring hours of my life, but I got a 1990, so I’m pretty satisfied . I also took all my finals in school and am now officially a senior. How scary is that? Oh, and it turns out that I passed my math class (a semester of trigonometry and a semester of analytic geometry) by a single point. I was so bad at it and my average for the whole year was so low that had I been one point lower, I’d have received zero credits! Phew, at least I passed. Also, at the end of the month, my ballet summer intensive started.

July: I went to a couple bbq’s and had one of my ballet teachers over for dinner, which was pretty awesome. I had no idea she danced in as many places as she had, from the Rockettes to American Ballet Theater. I also had ballet class every morning, and yesterday was the final day of the 5-week program. I got the results of my AP Bio test as well, and I got a 5. For those of you who don’t know, AP scoring is 1-5, with 3 and up being passing. I was not expecting that great a score at all because I had not studied for it one bit. But hey, I’m not complaining!!!

As of last week, Jovon and I have now been together for 9 months. I know I can go to him for everything, and I’m certain he feels the same way about me. He’s admitted that’s he’s expressed more emotion around me than around anyone else outside his family, and I absolutely love that he feels comfortable enough to do that. I love him so very much, and he really is my best friend.

So yeah, that’s mostly what’s been going on with me. On the eating disorder front, I’m not doing all that well. I still purge a lot, every day or twice a day, and I weigh more now than I’ve ever weighed in my entire life. Most of the time, I hate my body. But I’m taking it day by day and have been doing a lot of thinking, trying to get back into the recovery mentality. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, I suppose.

Anyway, I hope you guys have an awesome Saturday. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!!! <3

Something to Think About

February 2, 2012

Hello everyone. Long time, no blog, huh?

I’m sorry. I just haven’t had the time or energy to post anything these days. Hopefully I will blog more frequently this month though, since I have a lot going on that I’d like to share.

To sum everything up, I’m not doing well. I stopped purging, but my weight is at 109 now, down from 116 in October/November. I’m hungry all the time; no shit, since I restrict really badly. I’m literally always exhausted. The school day is becoming really difficult to get through, and ballet is even worse. I keep cancelling plans with my friends because I’m too tired. I have dark circles under both eyes like someone’s punched me, and I’m constantly nauseous and light-headed. And I know it’s all because of my diet and low weight, but I can’t seem to inspire myself to eat more and to gain. Most of my motivation is gone.

But I’ll go into more detail on this another time. On the bright side, I get my license this month (if I pass), for which I’m insanely excited!!!!! 26 days until my road test.

Also, I was on tumblr earlier. (By the way, does anybody have one? Mine is http://ifitsnotokay.tumblr.com/ if you’re interested in checking it out and following. If you have one too, link to it in the comments and I’ll gladly take a look! :-)) Anyway, I saw this picture and really loved the statement in it:

Food is fuel. Yes, it’s also a form of pleasure, but in the end, it’s simply a source of energy for your body to function the way it needs to. It’s not the enemy, nor is it the therapist with which you comfort-eat yourself into oblivion.  It is just fuel.

This picture seriously gave me something to think about: how I view food, and why my relationship with it is what it is. Maybe it can give you guys something to ponder as well? :-)

Goodnight, my loves!

Done With Purging…

January 2, 2012

…because I am better than bulimia.

 

Just So Blahhhh

December 27, 2011

Hey guys. Thanks, as always, for your support on my last post.  I really appreciate it, and I’m working hard at keeping my promise to both you all and myself. I don’t really have a point to this post, other than to sort of mention that I think I’m a little depressed again. I’m on winter break now, and save for yesterday (a day spent with JV), I just sit around the house doing nothing. I wake up at 8, eat breakfast, and then seemingly do nothing, and before I know it, it’s 3pm. Then it’s 7pm. Then it’s midnight, and I go to bed, only to do it all over again the next day. I spent a few hours at my friend’s house for her birthday, but I zoned out for practically the whole time, and when I got home, I was exhausted and so blahhh.

Like I mentioned in the last post, I’ve lost about 5 pounds. I don’t know, but I suppose the weight loss could have something to do with this. I feel either emotionless or sad all the time, I seem to just exist through my days, rather than live through them. It’s a bad situation, and I really don’t want it to turn into a full-blown relapse, but I’m unsure of what to do.

Sorry that this was so short and such a downer. I just wanted to get it all out. Thanks for listening reading. I love you guys!!!

Taking Each Day As It Comes

December 23, 2011

Hey guys. I’m just popping in with a quick update on things.

But first, I just wanted to let all of you know how amazing you are, and how much you mean to me. Your support on my last post, and the few before it too, have been to heart-warming. I feel lucky every day to know that you’re all here and rooting for me!

So, here’s what’s been going on:

In a lot of ways, things have been amazing. Today was the last day of school (yeah, I had a full week of school this week. :-() and now I can officially relax for the break. I don’t have an insane amount of homework, which is lovely, and I have plans with friends almost each day of the break, which I’m really looking forward to. My best friend’s 18th birthday is this coming week, so we’re both super excited and looking forward to doing something fun and free on her special day. Im going ice skating with JV and some of our friends on Monday, and I might actually go out for the first time on New Year’s Eve.

Yesterday was my and JV’s two-month “anniversary.” We went to the movies and watched The Sitter (doesn’t that sound like the title to a horror movie? But it was a actually a comedy, and we both thought it was a really good, funny film.) Afterwards, we walked to the Starbucks right rext door and were there for another hour or so. Before the movie, we exchanged Christmas gifts, and opened them early, since neither of us wanted to wait ’till Sunday. I got him his two favorite candies, a teeshirt with something slightly perverted funny written on it, and some really pretty note cards. There were 4  types of cards in the box, each in a different color and with a slightly different shape. I wrote 44 things I love about him or our relationship on them, and made them into a booklet. I really think he liked it.

Among other things, he wrote me a really sweet card and got me a big teddy bear that he sprayed with his cologne to make it smell like him. Now each time I hug the bear, I smell the cologne and feel a little like I’m hugging him. (How dorky is that!) 

Anyway, to be perfectly honest, meeting him and having this relationship was the best thing that happened to me in a long time. I see him every single morning at 8:16, and then continually throughout the school day. Yet, each day, the thought of seeing him gives me butterflies. Knowing that I have him makes me so happy, and makes everything worthwhile. In fact, I get really sad if I think about not having him; I just know my life would be dreary, dull, and really damn lonely. I can’t imagine my life without him at this point.

And you know what else? He is truly the greatest when it comes to this fucking eating disorder. He is never harsh or rude, judgmental or uncaring. He always says the perfect things to cheer me up or take my mind off of it, and I am forever thankful that he does.

That brings me to the not-so-happy part of this post. The ED habits and tendencies have crept back in to my life. It’s horrible. The purging has continued. What’s more, for the past few days I’ve been binging and purging, which feels so much worse, emotionally, than just purging my normal meal. To make things even worse, I’ve lost a relatively large amount of weight. In the beginning of November, I fluctuated between 114-116 pounds. Now I’m between 109-112, which is a loss of about 5 pounds. It’s really bad, and though I don’t feel different yet physically, I know I will soon if I keep losing.

So right here, right now, I need this to stop. The b/p, the weight loss, everything. Aj has already asked me to try really hard to stop, and now I’d like to ask you all of a favor. Could you please hold me accountable to not purge anymore? I haven’t been caught by my parents, so I have no self-motivation to stop. It would really help if I knew all of you were sitting there, expecting me to keep my word on this. I’d be forever thankful!

I hope all who celebrate have a merry Christmas, and for everyone, a happy New Year!

Now tell me, what’s something fun you’re going to do this winter/Christmas break?

And It All Comes Crashing Down

November 20, 2011

*Warning: could possibly be triggering*

I’ve gotten fat.

Really, truly huge.

I have fat folds when I sit, and my juniors size 1 jeans almost don’t fit me anymore. I’m 115-116 pounds, and goal weight was waaaay back at 111. I feel like a mother fucking cow. I literally have fat on my belly to grab and jiggle now, and every time I look at it, I feel a severe wave of disappointment in my self, tons of anger, and depression.

What’s more, I’ve gone back to purging. It’s the one thing I promised myself I’d never again do in my life, and since about a week ago, I’ve done it at least once a day, but most days, it’s gotten to 2-4 times.

But I have completely run out of ways to cope, and it’s the only thing left I feel I can do. Wanna know the most ridiculous part of it all (as is this weren’t ridiculous enough…)? I don’t binge and purge. I eat normal amounts of food and then throw it up. And the food I eat is insanely low-calorie too. It’s squash, lettuce, cabbage, beets, cauliflower, cottage cheese, tofu, and carrots that I purge. What are low-calorie fucking veggies and protein going to do to me? NOTHING. I won’t gain a damn pound from them, yet they give me huge food babies which I honestly just cannot handle at this point.

So up it all comes.

I don’t eat much these days. Breakfast is a handful of pretzels and 2 coffees. Lunch in school is an apple and some more pretzels. Lunch in the car on the way to ballet is an apple, a chobani, and some kashi go lean. Dinner is either a big bowl of whipped air (aka a huge protein smoothie with ice for volume) or some veggies and tofu/shrimp my mom makes. That’s it. Variety has gone down the drain, as have a healthy amount of daily calories. Oh, and the remains of my dinner go along with them.

I feel so alone in this, but I know I have all of you who have dealt/are dealing with this. I don’t want to go back down this road again, but being at this weight is making more upset than is imaginable.

This is not okay. I am so lost. Fat and lost.

 

A Punch in the Gut

November 7, 2011

Hey guys. I want to send a huge THANK YOU to each and every one of you for your happy, encouraging comments here. You all are amazing. I know I haven’t been blogging regularly, but your support on each (sporadic) post makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.

Alright. On Saturday, I received some really upsetting news. Actually, it’s quite horrifying. He made me promise not to tell anyone, but one, it’s eating me up, and two, technically, I’m not telling, I’m typing. Well that’s how I justify talking about this, anyway.

Confused? Sorry, let me clarify what the hell I’m even talking about. AJ is bulimic. My first reaction to that was “I thought so.” I saw it in his teeth months ago. My second reaction was JDFNSJK MWS  OD ASDF  KSEKOS  MVKLSKLD HOLY SHIT, NO NO NO NO NO THIS ISNT HAPPENING!!!!!!

Guys, I don’t know what to do. He said it started in freshman year, so over 2 years ago. That was the time I was purging too, and he knew it. He said he wanted to tell me to be strong, and to encourage me to stop, but he felt like he couldn’t say that to me when he was doing it too. I wish he’d told me though. That was what I needed most then, someone who knew what I was going through. I’m sure that’s what he needed too.

This is my best friend. My best friend. I know what he’s feeling. I know every torture of bulimia. I know the pain, the suffering, the hell that it is. And I cannot do a single fucking thing to help him. I feel so lost and hopeless. All I want is for him to be happy and healthy. Unless people have been through it, they simply cannot understand how much bulimia hurts, and it sickens me to know that he’s hurting the way I was. That pain of bulimia is unbearable; it just kills me to know that someone I love so much is feeling it.

I would not wish this eating disorder on people I loathe, let alone on someone so special in my life. He says he’s trying to stop, and I told him to text me if he feels the urge. But other than that, he doesn’t like talking about it, and I cannot do jack shit to make this better for him. Knowing what he’s going through is a slap in the face, a punch in the gut, a dagger in my heart. His ED is murdering  him, I’m sure, and that is murdering me.    

I’m sorry – this post is quite the train-wreck of incohesive, random statements.  I just cannot get my thoughts together to make this post flow right now, but I really needed to get it out somewhere, since I cant “tell” anyone. Thanks for putting up with me; hopefully my next post will be more positive.

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